Hello, from adult daughter of potentially PD mother

[iwcttag]

Hello,

I've known about this site for years now, maybe about 6 or 7 years. A friend's mum from school signposted me to it as she knew some things were going on at home with my mother. But even now I'm still finding myself in the same situation despite however many attempts at escape I have made, removing myself from the house, I seem to always be pulled back, and now I am unemployed and stuck, I am 24. I feel totally hopeless. She blames me for little things, it has been like this for all my life, I am just exhausted. I am thinking about moving out to London to a communal living situation, which would be in my budget. Am just completely at a loss, and feel like I have no energy left in my body. She has always had an anxiety disorder, projects her insecurities onto me, acts out of jealously and scapegoats me in every family situation, which has been the way all my life. I feel like I am finally after having been here with her for a couple of months, feeling increasingly isolated and alone, that I cannot cope with being here with her anymore, despite her being 64 and her saying she needs me and can't believe I abandon her whenever I go anywhere.

There is so, so much, it feels like I have years of stuff just backed up in my head, and all I do every day is just seem to waste the days away, exhausted with just living in the same house as her.

I have had therapy in the past, and stopped, as it got to a point where I couldn't afford it and we got to some points where I found it difficult to continue, I found I couldn't leave my mother as my therapist was advising me to.

I have been to university, worked as a bartender for years, worked so many odd jobs, earnt money and went travelling in January, have a creative outlet making jewellery and art, but despite this feel that I am wasting my life and have no future if I stay as I am in this environment. I feel like something is wrong with me, like I am being the selfish one. I had a psychotic breakdown 7 years ago, all around my family situation and feeling trapped.

I guess I just want to come here and say hi, be around people who understand, learn from other people but mainly just to feel less alone in all of this right now. My mother can be really cruel and at the same time very kind. It is very confusing, and I often feel as though I am the one causing all of this to myself. 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place.

As a start I suggest you check out the Toolbox and begin to implement the strategies described there when interacting with your mother.

With time you will find that you learn to protect yourself better. Come back here and let us know of the progress you are making.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @iwcttag

I cam empathize with your situation completely bc a long long time ago I was also a young adult in a similar position with my biological mother. in my situation my biological mother had lost custody of me several times, the last time resulting in me spending about half my teen years as a ward of the state.  when I was in my first last year of HS she got custody of me back and I ended up running away right after I turned 18.....was gone 3 years and came back and tried HARD to be the daughter she had planned me to be which lasted about 18 months when I woke up from my brief rest (working 3 jobs and going to classes) and found her stealing from me.....  at that point I felt like if I didn't leave I would never be able to BE anything other than an extension of her so my life plan became an exit plan to get out of her parents's house and to limit/end all contact....

it has never been easy but the 30+ years of PEACE and feeling like I can actually accomplish things and be a successful functional adult is the reward I have daily.  I did falter on the way, got into some bad relationships with friends and partners- but also got help and support from both IRL and here in the group (who helped me rebuild myself after leaving me ex in 2007) and it's been life changing.

I;m not gonna lie.  when i planed and made my exit I compartmentalized my feelings for my biological mother- and I am still working through sorting them out and not reliving resolving them through other relationships- as hard as it has been my worst day without out her was still better than the best day when she was actively being my parent....

whatever you decide we will support your next steps- but getting some boundaries may be the first key to your freedom- and boundaries can help you have a more productive relationship with your mother- it doesn't mean you have to cut her off completely to heal-

we have a supportive group of adult children sharing their own experiences here-

Dealing with PD Parents

here is an article from the toolbox regarding setting healthy boundaries
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

it's a long road but you are taking baby steps towards being able to be your own person and have a life outside of being someone's child.  you've got this.  when you are ready to share more- we're here for you.

[iwcttag]

Oh, thank you very much for both of your responses, @notrightinthehead @xredshoesx
Yes, I used to look at the toolbox a lot when I was going through a really difficult time a few years back and it helped me so much, will have another read up of that.

Honestly it does feel like an impossible thing to get out of but I know it is possible because of how many other people in this group share their experiences and how much I can relate to it. Right now I have managed to get out of the house and housesitting for some old friends, so have some physical space, which actually has also helped a bit but I do just find myself totally exhausted and numbed out every day.
Am on a waiting list for therapy of about 5 months, my friend has kindly given me some leads for jobs, so I am trying to get myself to write my CV better to send it over and just start earning some money for myself - but for some reason I just am faced with this total blankness, like a lack of vitality for anything. So I might just try to do it anyway. Because I know that doing it tired is better than not doing it at all and it is baby steps that will get me out of this situation, and I can't stay like this forever.

Some days I really don't know if I can keep coping or if I will make it as anything more than just what my mother sees me as. She always sees me as an extension of herself, always has done and it has caused so many issues, I started having panic attacks regularly from the age of 10, eating disorder in my teenage years, major depression and anxiety in my late teenage years with manic episodes, and then a psychosis blip when I was 17 and in hospital overnight - only thing that stopped me being sectioned was that my parents refused to accept that I needed help and wanted me to stay at home and get better, which involved going straight back to work a month later and getting fired only a week in due to the panic attacks starting again.

I think I have so much confusion about my family, how it makes me feel. And wanting to not be angry about it and feel the unfairness of it and actually just accepting how it is, not waiting for it to someday or somehow change. I think growing up it was my role to be a mediator, or that was the role I found myself in often between my mum and dad, my dad being the one at the receiving end of a lot until he let me just have the most of it from mum.

I want to be more involved in my life than I am in theirs. More interested in what I want and keeping myself safe and well and just actually looking after myself rather than being dependent and feeling powerless and hopeless being under my mother's wing. I just always feel this tie to her, that I am meant to the looking after her and can't leave her, but I have to. I know it is the healthiest thing to do now, to be away from her and dad, and I just feel like such a terrible person for even voicing any of this. The critical voice in my head gets very loud when I even think about any of this.

[Rebel13]

Hi iwcttag,

Just saying hi and welcome! I'm very sorry you are struggling with your parents, family dynamic, and living situation. You have been through a lot. All of that is very hard and I hope you can remind yourself of that, kindly, when you are having trouble doing things for yourself.

It is definitely possible to get free and to build your own life, so I want to encourage you in that if you would like it.

What you wrote about feeling tied to your mom made me think about trauma bonding. Have you read anything about that? You could look into it and see if you relate to the topic at all.

Your last sentence about the "critical voice" in your head -- oh, I am so familiar with that! Pete Walker has a really good article about dealing with the inner critic. His work overall helped me a lot before I even really understood fully my family's dynamics. It was the first thing that I felt described my experience accurately. You can find a lot of his articles on his website. Here is the one on shrinking the inner critic.

I'm wishing you the best and hoping you keep coming around and sharing about your journey. I learn so much from hearing other people's stories and watching them make progress toward the life they want. Everyone is rooting for you here and will give you support and suggestions when you want them.

Take care of you.

[iwcttag]

Hi again, just wanted to add an update here.

I left my parents house about a month ago now, and am living at my friend's house for the time being, she is very much understanding of the situation as she has been though it herself with her family.

I spoke to my mother in a text and said about the constant contact, as when I left she bombarded me with messages, but I can't help but be anxious about what I'm meant to do in the situation. Whether I need to explain everything to her and say why I've left, I have told her that I will be staying here for some time, that I'm safe and well, and not to message asking if I'm ok all the time, that I would contact her if there was anything wrong. My dad I am still in contact with a bit more but we don't ever speak about emotional things or he doesn't ask - it is all very light and I don't know how to bring it up to him. My brother and I haven't spoken in a few months either, we don't have the closest relationship and I do feel like I'd want to talk to him about stuff but he is quite close with mum, and I think he would tell her everything I said straight away - it has happened before that things I have tried to tell him in confidence have made their way to mum, with difficult consequences afterwards.

I think I just need some guidance about going no contact, as our relationship is naturally going that way anyway, but I'm not sure what the best way to navigate it is, what boundaries I need to say, I will have a read through some more articles on here about it as I know there are a few!

Thanks, all my best to everyone here.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done on getting out from under your parents' roof. It certainly sounds like you desperately need the space away from them to work out what is best for you.

I can't advise you on full NC because I have not chosen to do that myself. I stopped living with my parents the minute I was able to in my late teens but I continued giving them prime real estate in my head until my mid 40s! It sounds like anything you say to your dad or your brother may well end up going back to your mother so you are probably wise not to confide in them too much. My policy now is to grey rock as much as possible. Contact-wise I find the need to keep interactions short and so I keep calls and visits fairly regular but short and bland.

You don't need to explain in detail why you have left. How much you choose to disclose is entirely up to you. I would suggest you keep away from telling her what she has done wrong to make you leave because that will likely encourage her to defend herself, deny, blame you, demand chances to prove herself better etc. Something bland about needing to be an independent adult might work. Keeping the focus on you and giving a reason she can't logically object to much is probably sensible. As for boundaries, they are for you and they don't all have to spoken. You certainly don't want to keep repeating them. You have made it clear you are safe and well and said you will contact her if  she needs to know anything. You have asked her to stop messaging you. Now you need to think about the consequences to her if she ignores your request. I'd suggest ignoring any such messages. Block her number if you can't ignore the messages. Up to you whether you tell her you are blocking her for a while or just go ahead and do so. Be prepared for her to get your dad or your brother to start hassling you on her behalf.

Some people find it helpful to announce a formal no contact decision when they reach that point, while others just quietly become more and more distant until it happens naturally.

Good luck.

[iwcttag]

Hey everyone, I'm going to try to write another post maybe on the other areas of the forum because everything that is going on seems to somehow be related back to past relationships with a PD parent and family, and it just seems to be trickling into every aspect of my relationships, life, work, self esteem and etc etc. Which I know is very normal, but it also is just making life really really difficult to live through. Everything feels so incredibly heavy. I'm trying to find some therapy options and my friend said they will sit with me to help me not feel overwhelmed by it all. The friend I am living with, it is becoming increasingly hard, as it seems like we are a bit enmeshed, and also she relies on me heavily for emotional support and company as she is a single mum to a kid with learning disabilities. It has been really difficult to cope here, and I am looking at moving out, but need to sort out my financial situation too. My dad has been in contact, quite often, and my mum I spoke to briefly before it became obvious that it would just become an argument so I ended the conversation.
Aaaahhh!
Lots of stress going on, I had a big cry and chat with a friend last night, but it has got to the point (once again....) where I don't feel like I have my own private space and am able to have confidential phone calls with people, so I left the house at about half 9 last night to go for a cycle into the high street (not the best area to be at night, but I just sat at a bench by the station and chatted with my friend for an hour) - I really feel that I seem to be getting into situations with people with very unstable emotions (the friend I moved in with, we hadn't known each other very long and I am fairly sure she has BPD.)
Just trying to cope every day, still taking anxiety meds, but just getting the flight feeling all of the time, that wanting to run away. I might try to go to the library today as I just cannot get any headspace in this house (there being constant stimulus and distractions) - but I can't help feel bad as she is doing me a favour by letting me stay here, so I feel like I can't be too ungrateful, at the same time it does feel quite unbalanced increasingly.

[Rebel13]

Wishing you the best iwcttag! It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and I will say, from my experience, it does take a while to get everything sorted out and get stability for yourself. That was my experience as a young person leaving home, and although I have a stable partnership and living situation for many years now, I still struggle with other relationships sometimes, as well as with my relationship to myself. I guess that's just part of having grown up without good help and support from stable, mature parents.

Keep on taking the best care of yourself that you can, and I can definitely say, from my experience, if you keep working at it, it does get better. Let us know how you are doing when you can.