Can Someone Help me Understand Better

[SisterBlue]

I know it's a better question for a doctor or therapist from my sibling herself, but I doubt that's ever going to happen.

My sister has BPD, but I'm kind of mystified by the behaviors. We're currently No Contact because it's gotten so bad, but before, when things were somewhat stable, they only stayed stable if I adhered to quite a few unspoken rules and standards. Some of them were:

Never acknowledge how many animals they acquired and how little she cared how well they were cared for. Never try to make that animal's life better in front of her.

She got to choose exactly how and when we interacted. Even if I had an idea she liked for a minute, it would be quickly discarded.

Gifts to our parents often had to be a joint effort between the two of us, and they were something she decided. She also decided the amount of money, and if she just said, "Give what you can," and it wasn't enough in her mind, she'd cancel the whole thing & send it back. One time $150 wasn't enough.

She will say something mind meltingly awful and then 5 minutes later text that same person something inane and chipper.

Any gifts we gave her went unused (including gift cards), regifted or shoved in a closet somewhere unless it was the EXACT thing she had asked for in just the right amount of time she wanted it. Even then, it wasn't always a given that she would like it. She could just as easily complain to someone else that she didn't want it or it was stupid.

She was ok to my kid as long as he was a kid, but the older he got, the more he was susceptible to her jealousy and judgement.

All the other things I understand as part of the disorder... her jealousy of me, her isolating of herself and her kids, her flat out refusal to think I ever had any problems and her inability to be soothing at all.... but those things just bewilder me. Thoughts?
Thank you.

[square]

Hi there! Just speaking in general about BPD behaviors as I understand them:

Animals - She is likely seeking a feeling of being needed and valued by the animals, and may have distorted thoughts such as thinking she is saving them from misery and homelessness and death. Your efforts to care for them come across as a criticism to her, and that will trigger her PD emotional survival mechanisms. Unfortunately, you can't make a PD care more about someone else (animal or otherwise) than about their own emotional survival.

Weird swings from awful to chipper - BPDs are entirely in their feelings and do not comprehend that when they feel better, the other person may not be feeling better. But more than that, it's rug sweeping. "I feel better now so I expect you to go along with it without expecting me to apologize or acknowledge my behavior, and you probably will because you know I will MAKE YOU PAY if you don't. Yes, you will pretend everything is peachy keen now because you do not want to deal with another meltdown."

Kids developing autonomy and individuation - BPDs might enjoy small children and see them as dolls or pets who will love and obey them. But when children get older and develop their own interests, preferences, etc., this can be taken by the BPD as a rejection. BPDs expect people to feel the same as them and experience individuation as a profound betrayal.

You - she appears to be in some form of competition with you. She may feel that certain resources (your parents' love and approval) are finite and a zero sum game. She must control gifts to them to avoid them potentially liking yours more, and she must keep you always uncertain and guessing so you continue to look to her for direction and approval so she maintains control. If you have difficulties or hardships, that takes away from the finite pool of her victimhood - if you are a victim of anything that denies her being the only and ultimate victim of the world.

She may have BPD but she may have some NPD traits as well (maybe covert). Certainly, control seems to be a strong characteristic.

Devaluing you and your gifts os a way of keeping her own value up in a zero sum game.

[walking on broken glass]

 

All of that 100%!

My sister is exactly the same. Except that she hates animals and would never get a pet.

[SisterBlue]

Oh my gosh, I can't believe I didn't connect all this. Thank you so so so much. Understanding the world the best I can is one of my coping mechanisms so these last bits were really bugging me. Understanding helps me detach more from it being persobal and feel less pain. So thank you, thank you!!!!

[LikeTheSea]

My brother is the gc and uNPD/BPD.

He's the same with put downs and smirks at me like I'm a fool. A few minutes later the sky is blue and the birds are singing. I understand these are impulsive outbursts which due to shame they have amnesia about.

I'm here with him much of the week. These put downs were daily and not decreasing. I decided on gray rocking and putting him on a strict information diet. He can't put down what he doesn't know about.

[countrygirl]

In reading Like The Sea's post and everyone's responses, I am struck yet again by how often someone with BPD cases those around them to have to conform to their behavior in some way.  It is unfair and exhausting.

[countrygirl]

My apologies!   Like The Sea's response was the last post I read, and I mistakenly referred to Like The Sea as being the OP.  I meant to say Sister Blue!   

[SisterBlue]

No problem! Sorry for my late reply. Yes it is unfair and exhausting. I didn't quite realize just how exhausting and stressful it was until her more extreme behavior made me go NC. I am so much less tense and have such a better situation even in my own home now. She messaged me quite frequently requesting advice or logistical help or whatever need it was, and if I didn't respond within a reasonable amount of time and in the right way, I knew I would pay for it.