It Feels Different This Time...

[GraceUnderPressure]

I'm reaching out for support and advice - it's just so tough...

I introduced myself and situation earlier this year in this thread https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=96605.0

For a while, things improved a lot with menopause hormone treatments, and my wife was saying and doing a lot of the right things most of the time. I was enjoying life more, on the whole.

But over the past couple months, some incidents and realizations just hit so hard, and I don't have hope that I'll ever REALLY want to stay in the marriage. If any of you have a way of turning around those feelings, where you go from daydreaming about living alone to being excited about staying married (in your gut and nervous system), that's what I could use right now. All of a sudden it seems exponentially harder to enjoy things that kept me going for years.

1. Two weeks ago, I appeared bored at a wedding reception, and she had me leave the reception. All she really wanted was more small-talk for an awkward conversation, but instead she kicked me out of the room. Even when confronted a few hours later, her first reaction was that I deserved it.

2. My son (14) has big religious questions, and I wrote out a two-page response over the problem of evil. It revealed doubts about Christianity and the Bible, and there were immediate tears, and worries that I'm leading my son to hell and messing up his faith. And worries about my "eternal security" too.

3. My two kids refer to her as "queen," or going into "queen mode". They say I'm a yes-man because I have to do what she wants all the time. They expect her to rage-clean and get stressed over small stuff.

4. I realized just about EVERY difficult discussion where I open up about feelings, I get dismissed in some way, she cries, and I end up consoling her. Then I often hear "woe is me" gripes about it being a "really hard day", "Mom's having a real hard time lately..." stuff like that. I realize there really isn't emotional availability when I open up.

5. With Thanksgiving, we all told her we were nervous about preparation, and how irritable and mean she can get. I specifically said that's what I was tense about - not the sheer amount of work (which wasn't much - others did the cooking). She deliberately flipped that, told me that I didn't need to help all that much to get ready, and then held it over my head in a passive-aggressive way, suggesting that I couldn't handle the stress and so-forth.

6. We talked again Saturday, I told her of my nervous system being shot and I actually don't expect empathy when I open up. Again there were tears, and she wanted reassurances that I'd never leave her. Her love language is words of affirmation, but it's impossible for me to give them when I can't escape all this negative behavior. My body just doesn't feel safe and relaxed around her, period, even though many days are just fine. I just said I'm committed to working on the relationship. But I'm just tired of everything. I'm not interested in spending this amount of energy anymore. It doesn't seem like it will ever improve to something I WANT to be in. I admit I'm also struggling under the weight of everything I've absorbed for 18 years, too. Just hard to shake free from it.

I know I ruminate too much, but right now it feels like a hemmorhage that I HAVE TO deal with. All the normal self-care stuff isn't enough to ignore the grey clouds...

She also feels incredibly lonely, as she does things that are hurtful, then I withdraw a little. What I want to say is, "Marriage is a dance, and if you kick me in the shins, I'm going to sit out for a couple songs..."

[toe2toe]

Grace under pressure (G.U.P.),

I know the feelings you are going through. The realizations do hit hard at times. There are times you feel that things are manageable and you can make it through whatever comes next. Then the reality of it all sinks in. You know what I am speaking of. "If I could just get out of this relationship and experience a healthy and normal life"... Those feeling are hard to suppress.

When I came Out of the FOG, just over a year ago, things have never been the same. I see behaviors and label them in my mind. I never really understood what it meant to 'come Out of the FOG' but then I realized most of my uNPDw tactics are fear, obligation, & guilt. When you know that you know that you know, there is a severely disordered person inside her along with someone who focuses so much on impression management, the lines are blurred into a gray mess. You really wonder if good in these types of people actually exist.

I think what you are experiencing is normal, if such a thing could be labeled as normal. All I can say is find a positive outlet: exercising, lifting, chopping wood, something. Your body will greatly benefit from some kind of physical exercise.

I know what you are going through and i'm sorry. It sucks.

[zad7242]

G.U.P.

I appreciate your honest thoughts and feelings. I think normalizing many feelings we feel guilt for is a key component of exiting the fog. I'm not sure I really want things to get better, lette alone stay want to stay married. That's because I've lost hope things can get better enough for us to have a healthy relationship, and I fear things will only get better enough for me to not feel like I can leave. I've never even told my therapist I feel this way.

[1footouttadefog]

I went back and forth on the feelings of whether or not the relationship could once again work for me. 

At some point I accepted it is what it is.  I intended to get the kids up and out and my PD started into dementia during that time.  I decided I would not divorce because he could not live on his own and is not competent of his own affairs.  I took guardianship and am now his legal caretaker. 

At some point you realize the trust is broken and that you will never be loved they way you need to be and that things might never be more than roommate livable at best.  At least that is what many here have been through.

I totally get the "treat me like a co-worker" sentiments.  If only they treated us as they would an almost stranger.  Fact is they value the attention and narc supply potential from the other parties more than from us. 

The good news is that you don't have to rush to sort this all out.  You can prepare your moves, practice holistic self care and spend time healing and gaining strength and tools that will help the transition to the next phase. 

[toe2toe]

GUP,

Delete your inbox

[GraceUnderPressure]

GUP,

Delete your inbox

Done!