SIL makes me so uncomfortable

[worriedSIL]

We both have young children and live near each other. It sounds good on paper, but her BPD/narcissistic tendencies keep us from having the relationship we should have. My son is the same age as her daughter and he is so attached to me and also my husband. My niece is only really attached to my brother though. I know that she's an awful mom. I know that she regularly has ignored my niece and left her to cry or just entertain herself for hours at a time since infancy. I know that my niece cries and fights when my brother leaves the room and she is left with just SIL. Yet the other day when we met up for a toddler playdate, I felt like the "bad" mom. She put on the superstar mom show for me. Showed off all my niece's toys. Nonstop talked to her and interacted with her. I thought we were going to just hang out, let the kids play, and maybe talk as adults for a bit. But no. It was a performance for me to watch all the tricks she has taught my niece and how many fancy expensive toys she owns. I felt like I was the bad mom because I wasn't constantly interacting with my son every second of the playdate. It took me like a whole day to realize that spectacle was for me. The moment I left, niece and we probably locked back in the playroom to entertain herself and be watched on the monitor for basic safety. It was not a snapshot of their daily life. It was meant to make me feel inferior. And for almost 24 hours it did. I wish I could just cut them out of my life, but I don't want to abandon my niece. And I want to be there for my brother if he ever escapes. But that's a whole other complicated beast.

[bloomie]

worriedSIL - two things stood out to me in your post... your eventual realization that your sil was most likely putting on a show    and the other is your love and concern for your niece and willingness to continue to be there for her.

I can say from first hand experience it is a complicated challenge to have such a sil. 

[Poison Ivy]

I live a few blocks from my brother and his wife. They bought their house after my then husband and I bought ours. Our children are close in age (my younger child and their older child were born in the same month and were in the same grade in school). The children are adults now, and they all live in the same city, 1,000 miles from us. My brother's wife was never lovey-dovey with me or my sister or our parents, and that's fine. But she has become increasingly unfriendly over the years, especially in the last few years. If our children weren't friends, I'd cut ties with my brother and his wife. But our children are friends, I like my nieces, and I know that at least one niece is not close with her mom and thinks her mom doesn't like her, so I don't want to add more bad juju to the mix. My nieces get enough of that from their mom. I don't initiate communications with my brother or his wife, but I can be polite when they communicate with me. At this point, I'd be happy if they moved out of state.

[gargoylemoss]

My mother was also a show off mom. Behind closed doors, I was never allowed to approach her, always labeled as an inconvenience. But when my birthday came along, she would host these grand parties for my whole class, with a different theme each year, and an elaborate activity plan for the whole day. She was laughing, had endless patience with all the other children, and whenever I needed something, she framed it as: "Gargoylemoss, you have me every day. Today there are also other children, please step back a little." Through gritted teeth.

She never made any lasting friendships with other parents on days like this. It was basically a PR event for her image as a mother. It was about her ego, a hierarchy in her head she had to be on top of, and others at the bottom.

As soon as those children left, she was back on the couch, drunk. But oh what fun we had,  Gargoyle, you are soooo lucky with a mom like that!