Puzzled about friend’s decision regarding her NPD mum

[walking on broken glass]

One of my best friends has an NPD mum. It took her a long time and lots of therapy to realize this and to recognize the abuse she has suffered since she was a child. We often talk about our family situations and she's been supportive with mine. She has taken a different approach from mine, as she hasn't diluted contact with her mum or cut her off - she calls her every day. I find hard to understand how she manages to sustain such regular contact with her mum, after she has come to the realisation about how abusive she is, but she says she feels less guilty if she calls every day and that she has managed to compartmentalize. Her mum still says things to get under her skin but my friend has never breached contact with her. She tries to ignore but also sometimes argues, defends and justifies, which I guess is inevitable given the amount of contact they have. But she tells me she keeps the conversation on a very superficial level.

I was surprised the other day to find out that she shared with her mum something really personal, which only very few of her friends know. She's pregnant, in the very early stages of pregnancy, and she announced it to her mum in a 'cute' way, using her toddler nephew to give her a note saying he was about to get a cousin. All this happened in a video call where she got to see her mum's reaction etc. I just don't get it. She was supposed to fly to her mum's and cancelled the flight when she found out about the pregnancy, because she had had complications before and she preferred to be home if anything happened, without her mum hovering over her head. Earlier in the year she'd had a miscarriage which she didn't share with her mum because she was sure she would not be supportive but would twist the knife. Her mum has made several hurtful comments in the past about how she is not pregnant yet. Why choose to share something so personal with the person who weaponises this against you? And why do it in a playful way, as if they share some kind of familial secret? Is this an attempt to create a semblance of a normal family atmosphere? Or is she seeking her mum's validation through her pregnancy? It just struck me as really odd. When I asked her how come she decided to share this with her mum given their relationship and whether she was sure her mum would react well and not misbehave throughout this, she brushed it off and said her mum was very happy. She also asked her mum to keep this a secret from other family members which puts her in an elevated position (and I am not sure she would honour my friend's request).

This is not meant as a criticism against my friend. I realize there are complexities in such relationships and things are not always straightforward. It just genuinely puzzled me and wanted to share.

[NarcKiddo]

It's interesting how differently people approach these things. I remain in contact with my uNPD mother. I don't want to have to deal with the wider ramifications of NC if I can avoid it. Plus I have been conditioned to "do my duty". Little and often is far easier for me than infrequent, longer interactions. I could not possibly cope with daily calls. Calls are about once a week for 15 minutes and visits once every 3-4 weeks, generally for about 3 hours. I can grey rock successfully for those periods. The occasional longer visits are way, way harder.

I'm assuming this is your friend's first pregnancy? Maybe she is hoping this might somehow breach a gap between her and her mother. I fear she will be sadly disappointed, but you never know, I guess. Perhaps she hopes that her mother will at least have a decent relationship with a grandchild. That is not an unreasonable hope, and it could happen. Perhaps there is still a part of your friend that yearns for a good mother. Such a yearning is very hard to overcome even when all logic dictates otherwise.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you for sharing your perspective, Narckiddo. I can see how short weekly calls serve you better instead of longer more infrequent ones. It does make sense.

Yes, it's her first pregnancy. Her sister had her first child a couple of years ago and my friend told me that her mum is very good with the grandchild, even though there have been a few incidents where she used it for competition with her daughter. Perhaps she is hoping, as you said, for a better relationship. Her husband is on very good terms with his own family, and his mum talks to her mum, so there might also be slight pressure because of that.

[Rebel13]

Hi WOBG, I've mentioned elsewhere about my difficult friend, and the longer we are back in touch, the more I am realizing just how different people are, and how strongly I see things through my own lenses. I don't know how typical or atypical I may be in that, but I keep on being really surprised when I acknowledge, wow, my friend (as an object lesson and stand-in for everyone else in the world, I guess) really doesn't look at or manage life the way I do!

It sounds to me like your friend sees her situation as an opportunity to connect with her mom, and possibly get validation and approval. I say that with kindness, because I know how hard it is to give up on getting those things from one's NPD mom. Some people keep trying forever, and it's worth it to them. I kept on for a long time, even after I knew intellectually that I was taking my bucket to that empty well. I feel better having given it up, but with my sharper awareness of the differences between people, I can see that it might not feel that way to someone else.

It's lovely that you're such a good and supportive friend despite your differences and puzzlement.

[walking on broken glass]

I've mentioned elsewhere about my difficult friend, and the longer we are back in touch, the more I am realizing just how different people are, and how strongly I see things through my own lenses.

I think we are all guilty of that! It is natural to approach other people with our own mindset and perspective. But it's good to be reminded that people are different. For me, understanding others' motives and ways of thinking helps me deconstruct their behaviour and approach them from a place of curiosity rather than judgement. Since both my parents were very rigid and judgemental, I very consciously want to avoid replicating their behaviour!

[TimetoHeal]

It is very interesting how people choose to deal with things differently with their PD parents and other family members .

I have 3 good friends with PD parents.  They all deal with them a little differently.  The one that baffles me the most is a friend who has 5 siblings, and they all seem to be a little PD to differing degrees.  She has one brother who lives overseas, who, when he has come to stay with her, has gone so far as to redecorate her house, change her TV from cable to streaming, rearrange her furniture because it suited him, and expect her to stay up all hours entertaining him and his wife, even though my friend was not off of work and works as a nurse in a very stressful job. She nearly had a nervous breakdown, but did not feel like she could say anything to him.  When I asked her why, she replied vaguely with "He's the boss", and "It's just easier to let him do what he wants than argue".  I just can't imagine!  I was fairly outraged for my friend, but realized she was making the choice and she was not open to discussing it further with me.  I've also notice with this friend, when I talk about MY boundaries with my family, she becomes really uncomfortable. 

Is your friend on the younger side? (I'm wondering, since she's pregnant).  I know my boundaries were weak to nonexistent with my family at that point in my life.  Also, when I was having children, I very much craved and felt I needed my family's support at that time.  Anyway, I know you already know this, but you have to let your friend make her own choices, even if you strongly disagree with them.  It's great that she has you as a friend for support. 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi time to heal,
My friend is the same age as me (40). I just found out yesterday that she had a scan and they found no heartbeat for the baby. She is inconsolable and my heart breaks for her. She wanted this baby so much and was so excited. It's so awful. I hope her mum won't be horrible to her.

[NarcKiddo]

I am so very sorry to hear the news about your friend's baby. Wishing her well.