Subtle Behaviours and breaking the cycle

[Freedom]

Hi can anyone relate to the issue I have with my PD parent?  Some of my dad's behaviours are so subtle that is screws my mind up - its almost as if he is challenging me to call them out.  For example, if I have something good happen to me, he might come up with a silly word to describe the thing that I have achieved - a passive-aggressive put down. He will say derogatory or unkind things about others  - like he is testing my response. He has taken photos of me and my children without asking permission.  One of the things I hate is that he will walk behind me if we are out for a walk and take photos of me from behind - rarely my face, and a lot of the photos catch me at moments when I have an odd expression or are unflattering  - then he wil show them to me as if to get a response - which I don't tend to show - but I think he knows it upsets me.  He showed me a set of photos he took of two of his female friends recently - all taken from behind when they were walking in front of him - as if to gauge my reaction.  I have recently found a new home  - my dad has been very unexcited for me - very mon-syblic responses.  The day after I told him about my new home, he bought a landrover with his savings - after years of me telling him that I am struggling financially - he has given me a couple hundred quid and bought me coffee or lunch on occasion  - but he lent my younger brother £5K so that he oculd go abroad and have a tummy tuck!  My brother is from his 3rd wife.  When he is in a relationship or new friendship - I am dumped - I don't hear from him, then as soon as he is single / lonely / bored - he phones me.  I am the oldest of his 4 children.  I am done with this dynamic and want to move on now.  I get drawn back in by feelings of guilt.  But since he bought the landrover I am truly done and now want to have minimal contact.

[Liketheducks]

Ah yes....my mum's behavior is very subtle.   So much so that it often takes me a couple of days of processing for me to realize what she was actually doing wasn't necessarily all loving.   To make matters worse she is a MASTER at showing up in a crowd as the loving mother only to zing me with comments in the five minutes at a gathering where we might be in the room along together.   It is maddening.   

The thing is, it really doesn't matter if he knows whether or not he's upset you.    You're upset, full stop.   I've found that telling my mom doesn't really do anything.   She just doesn't have the capacity to see it OR make any effective changes in behavior.   She'll tell me that she's sorry that I'm upset (a non apology) but not sorry enough to make a change.   But, I CAN change how I can react to her behavior...in the form of boundaries, not sharing my inner world with her, and VLC.   

Hang in there.

[Freedom]

Thank you, I can relate to the couple of days to process, and it only happens when you're alone with them, with no witness to call it out or back me up. It's so weird and stomach-churning emotional abuse. There is a huge list of behaviours my dad has exhibited since my childhood, such as broken promises and carrot-dangling. I dodge any offers of help and refute them, but he tries to claim them back! I will say "No, don't worry dad, I will find another way" and then now and again he will - as if to taunt me say "I will get that thing done for you" - when I am trying to move on. There are things I would like to address with him before he dies, and to get an apology; however, there are some things that he is not self-aware enough / or doesn't want to address / or becomes angry and cuts me off if I raise them. I have always longed for a closer father-daughter relationship with my dad, but he doesn't know how to do that, and I end up getting hurt/treated like a doormat. Thanks for your helpful supportive words.