'This the Season to Feel Humiliated?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It taps into the old shame, the old feelings of humiliation of being ostracized, scapegoated, treated as something unwanted and unlovable,  that I had as a young child from PD FOO.  I had understood from my close family member that the few of us uNPD has been targeting in recent years would be included in Christmas plans.  Not so.  The PD will get their way and I am left out.

Maybe it's good in some painful way.  Maybe it's time for it to be really clear to me that I cannot do an end run around the discard and continue a close relationship with someone the PD has turned into a FM.  That I have no real family anymore, just something distant.  That it's time to let go of any idea that that will change.

I'm a senior, living alone.  These family members have asked for and gotten a boatload of help from me over the years including the PD, which I wanted to give and do not regret or feel makes them beholden.  They still are gladly taking from me (not money, but time and effort) for something which will end in 5 months.  I have done it not for them, but for one who is young and benefited greatly.

The gall of treating me, anyone, like they owe you the world and are also just a resource to be used and then thrown away like trash because you have devalued them, their feelings never to be considered ... it's the hallmark of a pwPD.  Still, after years of it, it continues to shock me.  I guess I wanted to believe I could navigate it.  But I really feel now like I need to grieve and let go.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, Lookin 2 B Free.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, PI.  I hope others of you who celebrate this holiday will feel included and loved.  I'm sure there will be some horror stories on here after it's over.  Maybe some inspirational ones, too.  I am loved by other people, friends.  They will be with their families at this time.  I just talked with a friend who didn't know what was going on with me who said how vitally important it is to be with family, the bonding that happens with that year after year.  I thought but didn't say it .... not for everyone. 

I'm not sure I'm going to make the effort to bring them gifts.  I was going to do it for the youngest ones.  But I don't really want to right now.  We'll see . . .

[GoodPesto]

Hi looking2bfree,

you are not alone being alone. I applaud you for finding the courage and creating a thread about it. Last year and this year also I did not find it for several reasons, one being the feeling of shame you mentioned. Although I know this is a valuable forum with lots of good-natured people, I couldn't bring myself to write about what you are writing about. So thank you for stepping up. To me it seemed so far as if I am the only one not only being estranged from the FOO and thus not being part of the family traditions like so many are and some are not, but also not having a FOC that so many talk about, that might never be a substitute for a FOO but that so many wouldn't know what to do without especially around the hellidays.
I hope you will find a way to be good company for yourself, to treat yourself like a gem and to feel loved and warmed nevertheless.
You are not alone being alone and an inspiration for speaking about it.
Thank you and best wishes

[Rebel13]

Hi, me too! I actually don't mind not going to big events at the holidays, but for some reason this year I am feeling a little bit lost about it, more than in the past. I think it's the attitude from others GoodPesto mentions -- feeling like I'm the only one who isn't loving the whole holiday "thing" and looking forward to events with lots of family and friends.

Lookin 2 B Free, I hope you are feeling good about yourself for the generosity you've shown for the benefit of a young person. The older I get the more I realize that I might never know what impact my attention, concern, or kindness towards someone younger might have. I think about the few older people who were kind or helpful to me when I was young, and I know I really appreciated it and still remember it. I hope I'm giving that back a little bit.

I also feel grateful for all that I have in these times that are so hard for so many. Sending out good vibes and good wishes for everyone. Take the very best care of yourself that you can.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Well, I did end up deciding to go. It's not a large group of people and I believe uNPD was the only one who had an actively unwelcoming attitude.  But that's enough to generate a big black cloud over the whole thing, especially when others are enablers.  Maybe I'll leave town for future holiday times.  We'll see.

Thanks for your reply Good Pesto.  If my posts are ever helpful to anyone, I'm  glad.

And thanks to you, Rebel.  I, too, believe it is worth putting myself out a bit if it can help a youth. If I can give them an advantage, some safety and unconditional acceptance and love that I didn't have, it will make the world a better place.

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate.  I spent many holidays on less than ideal gatherings.

I remember how it felt to be there and then even worse how I felt when it was all over each year, before coming Out of the FOG. 

After that it was easier.  And after even more years it was possible to decide I would take some control over my holidays.

It became okay to say we are planning to x this year and won't be there for x day.  Perhaps we can get together before or after.

One issue that bothered me for years was that my sister and her husband would want to meet late because the wanted more time to buy gifts.  Then it would get stretched out longer and longer.  I hated that my weekends were all on hold waiting for them.  They make large salaries it was a matter of time not prioritizing.  We went down to name drawing to minimize things and it still happened.  We put very modest caps and it still happened.  We eventually made the call to not exchange at all.  Works for me.