Increasing contact + complexity

[mustard_seed]

Hi I've been active on the IL's boards in the past, though I've been away from the forum for a bit. But I'm finding I need to re-engage here and stay focused on healing, which for me is proving to be a cyclical, non-linear process, in which life can trigger old wounds, and before I know it I'm stuck again in really unhealthy thinking... realizing that has happened a bit over the holidays w/ increased family contact and I'm only now coming out of another foggy weather system. In particular...

I've gone from VLC to LC with FOO (upd-mom and non-sister) over the past two years, after a long estrangement. Actually, with my sister, it's more like ~regular contact~ these days.

With my sister, I have concrete reasons to hope for a continued healthy relationship, which I want to pursue. A lot of our relational problems in the past centered on family problems + shared family property, etc. And many of those issues are resolved now. We no longer co-own any property, and I've detached from my role as peacemaker/scapegoat in the family system. 

Though sister never apologized when we resumed full contact (I did apologize for what I felt was toxic behavior on my part in the past), she's consistently shown empathy, respect, and decent boundaries. It's not perfect -- there have been a few 'yellow flags' in her behavior, for sure. But I have empathy for some of this (like excessive talking about family dynamics, bordering on gossip) because she seems to have taken over my role as peacemaker/mediator with upd-mom and problematic-brother. And that can be a lot to carry alone.

BUT our mother has attempted triangulation, and I'm scared to hope for continued closeness w/ my sister, for fear it will fall apart again. E.g.: "Oh guess what [hurtful thing] your sister said about you after your last visit..." -- and if Mom is doing it to me, I bet she is doing it to my sister as well. Sister and I have talked about this -- I brought it up, pointing out what Mom was up to and asking for clarification on whether my sister had, in fact, said the hurtful/derogatory thing. She seemed genuinely shocked, and said Mom was taking extreme creative license w/ an actual comment she had made, that was neutral and harmless.

So I guess this is the issue-- how to develop a genuine, healthy relationship with my sister in this context? I'd like to say we could avoid talking about family altogether, but it seems to be important to her, to have someone to process these things with, and I do have a level of insight that others in her life don't.

Do I just ignore my mother's attempts at triangulation and smearing, trusting that my true character will show through in time, with consistent behavior? Or do I continue to be proactive in addressing these things with my sister as they come up?

Being active on the IL's boards helped me so much in extracting myself from so much toxicity and having a healthier marriage. I'm still NC with IL's, and am mostly a kind observer for my husband's continued dealings with pd-mil and en-fil. But that's a much clearer case than my own FOO in terms of their ability and/or desire to change, improve, grow.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's all really interesting, and I'm glad for you you have reason to hope for at least relationship in your FOO. It seems like you have a lot of awareness and insight into how things are with your sister. It's really fascinating to me when people are able to salvage select relationships and how they navigate these waters. In my situation, it just wasn't possible and there is simply nobody left from my parents and in-laws' scorched earth tactics.

So I'm curious about several things. How is the "kind observer" role working for you with your husband? Is this the sort of role you imagine filling for your sister? And do you think that would work just as well for you? How much of the relationship are you willing to be based on your shared relationships with other family members?

It seems to me that if you do allow for this processing of family stuff with you, you will necessarily keep your guard up and know your tolerance level. How does discussing these matters with her affect you? Would your sister take it well if you said you'd had enough of it for now?

My instinct is that if you are going to talk about family dynamic stuff, it would do no good to make triangulation attempts taboo. Now it could be there's simply nothing to say about it, as it's just the same old story. But I see no reason you should be afraid to address it, if that makes sense.

My other thought is that the scapegoat/peacemaker role is indeed very hard to carry. That's exactly why you put it down in the first place. Your sister is not obligated to carry it any more than you are.

[mustard_seed]

One thing that's really coming up in reflecting on your thoughtful questions, Cordelia, is that I'm not thinking about my own needs much at all.

I'm focused on how heavy a burden my sister is carrying, and yes, losing sight of the reality that she is under no obligation to do that – as you pointed out. I think it's putting me in danger of getting pulled right back into the drama, to be honest.

You asked how it affects me to talk about these family dynamics with my sister and I have to say it's a strange mix. There's some vindication (sister sees the dysfunction). And I guess a closeness and warmth with her – she seems grateful to be able to talk it through. But it's also bringing up guilt and worry (mom's drinking, health, finances). And I am having intrusive thoughts – a (false) story about how my mom's problems are at least partly my fault and responsibility to fix.

I think I'm getting clarity that I need to cut way down on the amount of time we spend talking about this stuff. I can at least have a goal of not initiating any of these topics.

Your question about the kind observer thing is also so thoughtful and constructive. My approach w/ my husband and the ILs for the past 6 mos (when there have been multiple medical hoover attempts that have had serious impacts on my husband's mental health) is to be neutral. I listen, I ask good open-ended questions, but I don't share my opinions or thoughts, even if he asks for them. I just re-direct, like I would to, honestly, a child that was learning self-trust.

I'm not sure how I want to handle things w/ my sister going forward, but you've definitely helped me orient my thoughts in a healthier direction. Thank you

[bloomie]

Hi, mustard_seed. Increased contact and reestablishing sibling relationships that have been shattered and uncertain is very complex, from my own experience. It came to mind, when reading through your update that my hope for you, above everything, is that you are able to hold steady in the midst of it. Reaching out to the community here was such a wise step. I'm so glad you did!

I just re-direct, like I would to, honestly, a child that was learning self-trust.

I'm not sure how I want to handle things w/ my sister going forward, but you've definitely helped me orient my thoughts in a healthier

I'm wondering... would your measured and reassuring method with your DH work with your sister?

[mustard_seed]

Hi bloomie, so good to see you again and thank you for always being so welcoming and kind 
I will be holding your hope for steadiness in mind as I work through this, I like the feeling that brings up to think about.

I'm wondering... would your measured and reassuring method with your DH work with your sister?

I've been thinking about this ^ and I am hopeful that it might work. I wonder if it will be harder for me to do because, unlike with my in-laws, I'm in contact with my mom. So I'm just a bit more ~involved~ if that makes sense. But I think it's worth a try.

I think some of the gossiping is just old habits. My sister and I used to be allies in our dysfunctional family and we always talked about this stuff. That changed as I began to set boundaries... and she and my mom got closer during that time.

A therapist who helped me through a lot of the initial family stuff told me that in family systems, when one person changes, everyone changes. I just didn't anticipate it would be like this! I was always the dutiful daughter and my sister was, frankly, a little selfish (although possibly that was more adaptive than I realized at the time!)

Anyway, I'm remembering from some of the advice to my first posts here that the best thing I can do for my sister is to provide role modeling for sane, healthy boundaries with all of this stuff. 

[bloomie]

Anyway, I'm remembering from some of the advice to my first posts here that the best thing I can do for my sister is to provide role modeling for sane, healthy boundaries with all of this stuff. 

What a gift this is to your sister and others, mustard_seed!