Living with a partner with borderline

[currentlyinthefog]

Hello everyone. I am very new to this site, I stumbled upon it in hopes to find some help from people on the other side.
My partner has borderline, we have been together for a little while now and we are pregnant with a baby girl. Things were rocky in the beginning, but I was patient and understanding with him. Over time, it seems his paranoia and anxiety are amping up, and for no real reason at all. He has a very intense fear of infidelity, deceit and me up and leaving him for my ex boyfriend. I have given him no reason to think or feel this way, and like I said, over time it's amping up. I am starting to struggling having patience with him because to me, the longer we are together, the more secure he should feel. I understand borderline, and what is going on in his mind. I understand his splits and feelings, but I am becoming increasingly upset at the relentless accusations from him. I need help... do they get better? I do everything I can to reassure him that I am not going anywhere, that I am loyal and love him so much. I need help.

For more context:
 I set clear boundaries for myself. When the accusations start to get relentless, I will distance myself from him to give him some time to calm down but that seems to make him more angry and suspicious of me.

I understand and validate his feelings without enabling him, but I am starting to become unclear of what is enabling and what is being helpful and reassuring

[bloomie]

currentlyinthefog - my most sincere apologies that your first post sat without acknowledgment. I hope you will give us another chance to support you.

Welcome!!!

You describe a very tricky path to reassure and address what sounds like unreasonable and ungrounded fear and accusations. How wise to set boundaries and to realize that it is very difficult when we have a destabilized partner to know what is enabling and what is reasonable support of them and ourselves in that situation.

I wonder if things have amped up with this pregnancy? I know that can sometimes be a trigger.

We have a great toolbox at the dropdown menus above that can give some practical kinds of do/don't responses to specific behaviors and traits.

A book you might find helpful, if you don't have it already, is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad.

You are reaching out and beginning to build a support system and tool set for yourself and that is going to go a long way to helping you discern what/how/when to avoid caretaking and stick with partnering and parenting with your partner.

Thank you for sharing with us! I hope to see you around the forum boards and to have the opportunity to support you!

[1footouttadefog]

How sad that what should be a happier time for you is one of worry and being accused. 

Be mindful of the concept of projection.  It's also common for PDs to project onto others what they are doing or thinking of doing themselves.

It's quite common for such to coincide with pregnancy.  Alot of attention is being paid to mother, motherhood and the idea of a baby coming.  It's typical for PDs to feel like they are being left out, and then feel entitled to seek attention elsewhere, or to make their partners and family sort of pay it back with negative attention by acting out to cause you to redirect your thoughts to them.

Be careful.  Try to keep your peace and practice self care so you and that baby are healthy.   

[MaxedOut]

Some great insight from Bloomie and 1Foot. "Validating" the feelings of someone with PD can be tricky. It does not mean absorbing, enabling accusations - those aren't emotions. Nor does that mean being an emotional dumping ground for cyclical rants, frustrations.

The toolbox and Stop Caretaking are good resources mentioned above. I think "When Hope is not Enough" also has some good methods. If you are absorbing mean words or JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining) with someone who has a PD, it's typically not going to go well and sort of feeds the paranoia/negative characterizations.

There are a number of approaches for stuff like this and the most effective often depend on your partner and you and the established dynamic. I'd say commonalities are a tighter boundary around accusations, verbal/emotional abuse; being clear about ok/not ok communication; and attempts to get them to regulate and/or stick with content about their emotions and feelings.

But a fair amount of difference in what works: "I'd like to stay in this conversation and talk about what you are feeling, but I am not willing to listen to accusations or what you think I am doing, thinking, feeling." "I can see you are upset. Are you maybe feeling fear about something?" "What you feel is important to me but we both seem to be too emotionally activated to talk respectfully and to connect right now. I'm going to take a walk. If we are both feeling more grounded this evening, let's pick the conversation back up." "We have already discussed this before and you know where I stand. I am not willing to go around in circles again." "You know I've never done anything like that, and I wouldn't... when you have worried about this before you later shared that you were feeling ——— and ———. Do you think that stuff is coming up again?" "I'm starting to feel really anxious and defensive, can we press pause on the topic for a minute and do some calming breathing?"

If it is something disrespectful, abusive, wearing on you it's not working. If it escalates their emotions, it's not a good solution (exception for enforcing boundaries as that almost always is upsetting and often causes an "extinction burst" of behavior to get the boundary setter to cave). Often the in the moment different strategies don't quite do it and it really is just that they need time for their nervous system to regulate. Toolbox strategies like grey rock and medium chill can help in not giving the conversation more footing.

If you can shift a chunk of your awareness to observation/curiosity during the interaction, you can often get insight on patterns, beliefs and emotion underlying whatever the conversation is about on the surface. And focusing on us, our communication, our boundaries is more effective than thinking of this as some mission to change them. It takes practice doing that. Two steps to get there: (1) after one of these interactions "review the game tape" as member SonOfThunder suggests-where/why did you slip into JADE, were there parts where your partner was trying to hook you with some bait that usually elicits a strong reaction, etc. and (2) Start with some mindfulness about your own body-what happens to your heart rate and breathing, do you feel tightness or tension, are you losing the ability to think or speak clearly.

It's tough and a process and I am sorry you are facing these things while pregnant and preparing for a baby. Negative and abusive behaviors with my ex definitely leveled up with milemarkers, like 1Foot mentions, moving in together, getting married, temporary or long-term changes in her health that increased dependency. BPD fear areas —> shame —> intolerable discomfort —> converting emotions to external sources —> lashing out.

[currentlyinthefog]

How sad that what should be a happier time for you is one of worry and being accused. 

Be mindful of the concept of projection.  It's also common for PDs to project onto others what they are doing or thinking of doing themselves.

It's quite common for such to coincide with pregnancy.  Alot of attention is being paid to mother, motherhood and the idea of a baby coming.  It's typical for PDs to feel like they are being left out, and then feel entitled to seek attention elsewhere, or to make their partners and family sort of pay it back with negative attention by acting out to cause you to redirect your thoughts to them.

Be careful.  Try to keep your peace and practice self care so you and that baby are healthy.   

Is there anyway to tell what is projection and what is not? Or is that just kind of an "up in the air" type of thing? I am so scared of being completely fooled by this person. They are clingy and lovey and swear up and down that they are fiercely loyal and want nothing but a family life (we have 4 kids total, 2 of my own and 2 of his own and 1 of our own on the way) I had just semi recently left a different abusive relationship and I just don't want to fall back into a different type of abuse, while trying to be supportive and understanding.

[MaxedOut]

The one time my ex did... some extracurricular stuff (as far as I know)... was actually not one of the many times she suspected me of cheating and such (which I never did or anything)b approximating).

I think cheating projection may be more a deal with narcissism, but either way, there may be signs they are getting supply from someone else (talking about that person, contacting, looking less to SO for attention, going MIA). And the usual non-PD things (more care in appearance, history of cheating, etc.).

Insecurity, shame, and fear of abandonment (I think) would trigger the cheating accusations with my ex (often in tandem with her mood disorder venturing towards psychosis). Which is sort of like projection - projection into what they think their SO sees (their worst sense of self) and concluding/projecting a reasonable response to having a partner like themselves would be to cheat or leave.

In both non PD abuse and PD, major life changes can trigger ratcheting up of negative behaviors. And when abusive, it is often a one-way ratchet. The books The Vernally Abusive Relationship and Emotional Blackmail may help sot your thoughts out while learning and practicing the tools from FOG.

If I had things to do over (and chose to stay)... I would have really set better boundaries and be clear on behaviors specifically during those milestone events (reconciling after a breakup, buying house and moving in, getting married). I was instead too concerned about my exes state/worries/etc. so the ratchet, so to speak, had an easy time clicking to a new baseline. And once that happens it is a lot harder to address/undo.

[Rudedog]

Currently, I knew projection was happening when my partner accused me of something that just a few days before, I disconfirmed with my own therapist. If you think about all the evidence you get from friends and family about who you are as a person, and the PD person contradicts this, that's a sign it's a projection. 

[1footouttadefog]

It's hard to know at times what is projection, paranoia , or gaslighting.

What we know for sure about all the cluster B folks, and this includes Borderlines and Narcs, is that they need attention.  They tend to be jealous of others getting it. 

I learned to toss some attention towards my H when I got it from others regarding the kids.  I only did this when I could honestly do it.

Example, getting complements on the kids progress homeschooling.  I would say thanks, then mention the kids work very hard and they get there great work ethic from their father, and he does some house chores to help make it all possible, it's a group project.

Giving a PD a complement in front of other people is worth a lot of points and on the flop side avoiding negativity in front of others helps.

We can never know their thoughts, but we can understand their motivations and generally how they think.

One idea that has helped me is the concept of "feelings as facts". We all do this some but the cluster Bs are experts. If they feel lonely they might create facts that go along with the feeling. 

Emotionally mature people can separate feelings from facts.  They can recognize that their own emotions can exist along side a stream in data and not always be entirely relevant to each other. 

The PD will often adjust what they believe around how they feel.  This is obvious when they quit feeling bad, angry, etc and expect us to shift gears instantly along with them. 

Has he always been clingy?  Had something changed to kick it off.   If so this might be a clue.

The accusations especially if they go on and on are not healthy for either of you.  I am sorry you are dealing with this.  Does he use any substances that might be influencing this?  Is it possible that he could talk with his physician about medications that might help.