Emotional abuse in marriage

[MindfulLife]

Gi everyoine,  I'm a man in my early 50s who has been married for 15 years to a woman I originalkly met years ago in hgigh school.  We reconnected online and were married 2 years later.  This would be my 3rd marriage, and I entered it with high hopes and little insight.  My first wife had BPD and was physically and emotionally abusive and controlling.  My 2nd marriage was marked by my attempts to heal after my 1st marriage, and I wasn't as emotionally supportive as I might have been.   My current wife comes from a family with intergenerational trauma and addiction.  She is the highest functioning member of her family with a master's degree and a life-long career.  Her father had an addiction to pill opiates, her brother has PTSD and multiple addictions (and is non-functioning, living in our basement for the past 2 years), and her sister is recovering from alcoholism and has BPD.  My wife has a history of trauma, can't remember much of her childhood, and I'm starting to learn, has been emnotionally abusive throughout our relationship.  What began as high drama/conflict arguments over my friendships outside of the family has devolved into 5-10 years of no intimacy, withholding, blaming me for every problem, never allowing me the true role as a step-father to her now early adult chidren, and her total immersion into a life dominated by social media and avoidance.  For about 10 years of our marriage, I became significantly depressed and suicidal, and developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.  I was 40 when I began this pattern of coping, and with therapy, I have worked hard to cope in a manner I am proud of and to be a man I respect.  Looking back, all of my depression was triggered by being in an unsustainable situation.  I had guilt and shame for 2 previous 'failed' marriages, I was aging an desperately wanted a family and a home.  And have primarily stayed in this situation for those reasons, having to accept that virtually non of my other needs will be met.  I just recent realized that I am an emotional abuse victim.  Love, mutual interests, wanting to spend any time with me, any sexual relationship and any affection, responding to my reasonable and gentle requests....these have been absent for years.  My wife spends 4-10 hours daily closed off with headphones on, engaging with tik tok.  WHen I ask her for time (watching a show or movie, going on a date, asking her to come to one of my music performances, visiting my family), this is mosyly refused.  She adopts a victim stance, reminding me of all of her many chronic illnesses, and shaming me for expecting anything of her.  Yet, she has time and energy for work, her children, and often her friends.  When I try to commuinicate my needs, such as with the DBT DEAR MAN skill, she gets angry.  She is nearly always angry and irritable, and states all she wants to do is use social media and avoid other people, including me.  She has had significant depression and anxiety, but refuses to restart therapy, even when I have asked.  I have felt alone and isolated for years, and make nearly all decisions around "Will she be mad at me?"  Over the last several years, I have growth to like myself and have worked hard to be the man that I value (compassionate, wise-minded, responsible), yet she denies seeing any of these changes.  She tells me that I am a horrible person, that he kids agree with her.  She has boundary issues:  allowing several family members to live with us for years despite the impact that had on me and the kids,   not expecting anything of her children (being their friend vs being a guiding parent; they have no house duties.  I do all of the cooking and cleaning up for them, they live in the messiest rooms I have every seen, and deal with their own depression and anxiety).   The more work I put into myself, the mnore I cannot unsee these patterns, and I feel stuck with what seems like a lose-lose choice:  if I stay, nopthing every imnproves, and if I leave , I will have to restart my life again.  I have a few close, supportive friends and my mnother for primary supports, but no place to go if I leave.   Yet, I can;t imagine spending any more time in this situation.  I haven't been a poerfect husband - I have been reactive at times, and have said things in anger/hurt, but I always make repairs and apologize.  She displays no insight into her own behavior.  Rather she constantly justifies he behavior by taking a victim stance.  It is always 'overwhelming' for her to deal with daily interactions and her health concerns, but she expresses no interest in making any changes in how she is coping.  My inoput is often met with anger or disregarded, and I can;t think of anything, except for leaving, that I can do differently.  I always wanted a marriage that is collaborative, compassionate, passionate, that has mutual respect and liking each other.  This is not it.  While I don't believe she has every been diagnosed with a PD, I see many traits of both BPD and narcissism from her.  I hope that, by interacting here, I can find the strength to move forward again.  Thank you everyone.....

[robjackson43]

That sucks man. I am with a covert narcissist. Very bad situation. You aren't alone.

[MindfulLife]

Thank you.  It helped posting that, even though I wanted to double-check that I am not coming across and complaining or needy.  It is hard being in a relationship with someone whom you love, but also who repeatedly hurts you.  I know that I have added my own layers of chaos at times, usually with harsh things I've said when reacting.  But looking at things from a sattelite view, I rarely do things to cause conflict in my marriage.  I am almost always walking on eggshells, hoping I say or do the right thing, that I am being fait to myself and to her.  I find that I grasp on to the good moments, even though they might last for just a brief moment, and even though these moments are often the most basic things needed in a relationship - an occasional smile, or a positive conversation.  I'm learning to validate this for myself, but also to expect more.  I'm also learning to set better boundaries.  However, if things don;t significantly change, I have to remind myself that being in an abusing relatiopns is worse than being alone.