Getting married while dealing with a unNPD mother.

[Eldest sister]

I'm getting married to the man who helped me realize that something better was possible. With him, I learned that I can feel safe and loved in this world. We're having a big wedding and, while we're slightly nervous, we're also very excited.

The issue is my uNPD mother.

For context, I've been NC with her for the past two years. We still see each other at family events, but we don't interact. NC protects me from her outbursts and manipulation, although my dad, grandmother, and brothers are still affected by them.

She has a strong ability to control the emotional climate of everyone around her and to become the center of attention. Her outbursts always happen in private. In public, she maintains a convincing façade of being a generous, long-suffering mother, and most people attending the wedding only know that version of her.

Yes, she is invited. I thought inviting her would be easier for everyone. My (enabling) father wouldn't have to fight with her to attend, my grandparents wouldn't feel torn, and I hoped that on the wedding day her public façade would prevail, as it usually does with others. I also thought it would leave her with less room for victimization. I didn't fully consider everything she could do in the months leading up to the wedding.

She has already started having outbursts related to it, even though the wedding is still five months away, and I'm feeling increasingly anxious.

I don't want to miss out on life because of her. I want my wedding, and I want to enjoy it. At the same time, I want to be able to be with my family without fear, tension, or emotional threats, and I don't want her to control the mood.

For those of you who've been through something similar:
how did your parent or family member behave around your wedding?
What helped you manage the situation, especially in the time leading up to the day?
Do you have any advice?

Thank you for your thoughts.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Eldest sister. I am sorry you are going through such a stressful time before your wedding. The sad truth is that you cannot control or predict your mum's behaviour. She may put on a show on the day, playing the happy family, she may drop casual insults and hints or she may have a full on tantrum. Maybe it will help to decide beforehand what/how much you are willing to take (and ignore) and if/when you would do something more drastic, like ask her to leave the wedding. Since other family members are close to her, you can ask them to monitor her and keep her calm. You can also ask them not to convey to you anything about her outbursts in the days leading to the wedding. Since you are NC with her, there is no reason to know any of that.

[Liketheducks]

I WISH I had been VLC with my mom for my wedding....but I was SO enmeshed at that point, I didn't see her antics until my matron of honor pointed them out to me, years later.   Then I was enormously embarrassed.   Thankfully, at the time, I was blissfully unaware and so overwhelmed in a wonderful way, that I didn't see it.  Didn't see my obviously still married middle-aged mother catch the bouquet.  Dad was deep in addiction and wasn't included, so MAYBE it was sort of acceptable for her to think it was appropriate...but mostly it was her chance to grab the spotlight.   Then the ick-worthy scene where one of our groomsmen, half her age, put the garter on her.   There were moments when she made comments about not being the center of attention.   All in all, it was more of a reflection on her.   It was cringeworthy that my in-laws met her for the first time just a few days before the wedding (we were married overseas).    Also helps that my husband's mother has quite a few narc traits, so he was prepared.   

Since then, I've learned that I feel much more comfortable going into family events with a game plan and I even practice scripts for different scenarios.   I'm a planner...and it helps me to be less anxious about what she'll do if I know my boundaries and plans before hand.   My husband also supports me in my..."if she does this, then I'll do that"...plan.   But, I can't control what she'll come up with.   While would rather NOT have to worry about these things, it is the reality of my FOO.   

Dive into being the center of attention on your special day.   You deserve to celebrate this grand adventure with your new spouse.     

[NarcKiddo]

I was still heavily enmeshed when I married. Nevertheless something inside me did not want my mother taking over my actual wedding. My mother wanted a large church affair with lots of fluff. We had to have a civil ceremony owing to my husband being divorced. So we had a lovely civil ceremony with just us and two best friends. Some months later my mother organised a church blessing and full on party. She did most of the planning, helped me buy the dress etc etc, filled up a large part of the guest list with her friends and generally had "her" day. She was paying, so I just went along. Clearly that will not fit your situation.

As others have pointed out, you cannot control what she does and when she does it. The idea of asking not to be told about her meltdowns prior to the day seems a good one. I also like the idea of trying to enlist other family members to "babysit" her on the day. This may need to be diplomatically suggested to them. Maybe along the lines of "Hey, dad/grandma/whoever, I really want mom to enjoy the wedding. But it's going to be a big event and there will be lots of people she does not know. I won't be able to be around any of the guests for much time, as I will need to circulate. She might feel a bit overwhelmed but I know you'll look after her." Making the point to anyone close to her that you will need to circulate may make things easier on the day. If she is near you and starts trying to control the mood, you can't control that but you can remove yourself to the other side of the room on the basis you need to circulate. If you have any close friends who know a bit about why you are NC you might also be able to enlist them to help you out if she starts playing up, so they could maybe go over and pay her a bit of attention. That might make her social skills kick in far more than if family are trying to placate her.

I hope it all goes smoothly and she behaves herself.