How do you help your child married to a narcissist? How do you help yourself

[Sadparent]

Greetings, everyone. Feel lucky to have found this site.  Thank you, admins.

I am so sorry that we each find ourselves in a situation with someone w/NPD in our midst.  Three years ago, I'd have guessed that a horn would grow out of my head before our relationship would look like this.

Our son now behaves quite a lot like his wife. It is heartbreaking to see what has become of him (and our young grandchildren) since marrying.  We had what I would call pink flags, but I chalked her behavior up to youth and differences her family and ours (Heck, I was raised in an Italian family and my husband said his childhood was like the TV show The Wonder Years!)

We are in irregular contact with our son. He no longer sees siblings, extended family or friends.  His friends who saw him off and on before he became totally cut off always asked, "Whats wrong with X?  He's so angry.  Why don't we see him?

Are there things I can do not have his wife totally isolate him from us?
Are there things I can to to help him see what is happening?

What have you done for yourself to keep putting one foot in front of the other when every day I feel like I live with the phantom pain of a lost limb. 

Thank you

[worriedSIL]

I can somewhat relate. Not my child, but my brother. We thankfully are still in contact with him, but he is not the same person. Any attempt to show him reason is met with fierce resistance. So we just go along with whatever my SIL says pretty much. I keep my distance emotionally so that I avoid becoming too enmeshed. And I have my mom and she has me so we can keep each other grounded. But it's just sad. I'm here for him and my niece if he ever chooses to leave. But I know that asking any critical questions will just have me re-labeled as "toxic" and they will threaten to go no contact again. For the sake of my niece I can't let that happen though.

[bloomie]

Sadparent - welcome to Out of the FOG. My heart goes out to you as this is such a profound shift in the connection and relationship I imagine you once had with your son. I am thankful you reached out to the community here.

You describe an inexplicable estrangement. I live with something very similar and know the confusion and angst that can arise from inconsistent patterns of responding or engaging with your son and his family. It is a kind of loss that no one talks about, isn't mourned, that there is no place or context to put it. Just the anguish of the reality of the before and after. I am so sorry.

You ask:

Are there things I can do not have his wife totally isolate him from us?
Are there things I can to to help him see what is happening?

These questions make perfect sense to me and I can only answer from my own experience that all you can only do what is within you control to do.

You can engage with kindness and love when you do get an opportunity to be with them. You can refuse to gossip or malign them when asked what is happening by others, or refuse to answer for him/them. If people are concerned they should go directly to your son and dil. You can respect their right to the level of contact with others that works for their family. You can grieve and accept what you absolutely cannot change and if you are a praying person pray that by holding a safe space for all of them to the best of your ability, they will become more open to closer connection.

Your dil will always be your grandchildren's mother and for the foreseeable future your son's beloved wife. You can feel grateful that you raised a man that, from where I sit, is attempting to stay grounded and rooted in putting his family of choice first. He may be misled or not seeing the possible isolating behaviors of his wife, but I imagine he is doing what he believes is right and best and it is his responsibility to weigh accurately the input from others and to be responsible for the choices he is at the very least cooperating with that are putting his family at a distance.

These are merely suggestions and not in any way accusations that you are doing anything unkind or are maligning, simply thoughts on your questions.

You describe this as missing a piece of yourself and that is about as accurate a statement I have ever read to explain the ongoing pain of this. One thing that a wise friend said to me that I think of often is: "try not to project too far ahead".

You are not alone. This is a community that will support you as you process the toll this takes. I look forward to supporting you in the coming days!