MIL attempts to contact my son online

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sent a Facebook friend request with a message and followed my teenage son on another platform. He did not accept the request and said he didn't even want to read the message. But this prompted a conversation about how we got to the point where his own grandmother is a weirdo person on the internet he doesn't want to interact with. I'd never explained the situation in detail, and now that he's older and out in the larger world more it felt appropriate to give some more of the background. Not everything, certainly, but a summary of events and relationship patterns that brought us to NC. I explained how we had left these grandparents with a "path to peace" of having some basic respect for us, and well here we are.

Wrapping up I said something like, "I don't think about all this history all that much anymore." His response was, "Yes, you've moved on. Funny how she hasn't. She just needed to be basically nice to you. She won't do that, but she'll contact me when she knows you don't want her to. That's weird. Yeah, I think you made a good decision."

[NarcKiddo]

Might this be connected to the sudden suggestion by SIL that she visits? At any rate the development may inform what you do about that. Your son sounds very sensible and switched on.

[xredshoesx]

what a victory for your child to understand @Call Me Cordelia

[mustard_seed]

Might this be connected to the sudden suggestion by SIL that she visits? At any rate the development may inform what you do about that. Your son sounds very sensible and switched on.

I would second this and say you're totally justified in proceeding with caution re: SIL. It might not necessarily be a "bad" thing that both of these are occurring at the same time. Maybe SIL is genuinely reaching for something healthier with you and your husband and kids, after seeing how you've moved away from the drama and dysfunction? Especially if that dysfunction is suddenly ramping up? But of course that doesn't mean she's capable of healthy relating, which still remains to be seen, it seems.

Or she could be part of the dysfunction and is reaching out from a less healthy place, which I think it's fair to be concerned about.

How are you doing in the midst of all of this renewed action? It sounds like you had a very calm and sane conversation with your son, hopefully that was grounding. How is your husband handling things?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Honestly I feel okay. Thanks for asking. I feel like yes, thank you MiL for letting me know you're still the same.    And I'm really grateful for my son's sober take on things! He'll be launched soon enough and these will be his decisions to make. One of the things I explained was his grandparents constant disapproval and rudeness about how we married young and had a bunch of kids. It blew up around the birth of kid #4. He said, "Well I'm glad you didn't listen to them and we all exist." So that's something. I try not to seek validation from my kids but when it comes I'm grateful. His relationships with us are going to always be more of a pull on his heart than weird stalker grandma!

SIL... more meh. This proposed visit is connected to other travel kinda sorta nearby, which is kind of the family pattern, to forget family members exist until some other purpose brings you within geographical orbit. Make superficial contact with lots of eating out and "activities" and take lots of pictures for the imaginary audience. And then disappear again until the next visit in however many years. Whether that's what she has in mind remains to be seen, but DH and I did agree that he would have a conversation with her about all this soon and we would both be seeing her before the kids do. I'm definitely concerned about her going and "reporting back" to all the other family members, mostly because I just don't want to deal with a round of flying monkey drama. It's terrible but I still feel like I don't mind just not having to navigate any family relationships anymore. It's a source of grief to this day, but honestly I more appreciate the simplicity of just not having to deal with it. I certainly don't feel any level of investment in this visit of hers going well, whatever that would even mean!

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - wow! The wisdom you and your child have around this attempt to boundary creep by your mil. 

I have long admired and respected your balanced way of helping your children understand the circumstances and the why you have had to make the decision to go NC with in laws. I can't help but see this as a safeguard and living example for your son (and all your children) as it seems clear that the grandma will try to contact again over the years and, as you say,

His relationships with us are going to always be more of a pull on his heart than weird stalker grandma!

All I could think of as I read this is thank God you and your DH have protected their hearts from what could've been such a destabilizing presence!

[mustard_seed]

but honestly I more appreciate the simplicity of just not having to deal with it.

You've obviously worked hard to find a place of peace and grow your family within that peace -- this just makes sense that you would have this reaction!

thank you MiL for letting me know you're still the same.    And I'm really grateful for my son's sober take on things! He'll be launched soon enough and these will be his decisions to make.

It sounds like your approach has really worked at building a foundation that he can build on as an adult. That is, shielding him from the harm, and then giving age-appropriate info as he's getting older. Even though I don't have kids, this really inspires me -- because of having to re-parent myself in stages and phases that fit where I am at any given time.

You're an inspiration!