Forgiveness

[JustKeepTrying]

I am approaching the six year anniversary of my divorce from my exnarc. And it is that time of night where past "I can't believe I did that" circle. Especially on this daylight savings night where you are discombobulated with the time change.

I forgave my spouse a long time ago. I let go of my anger towards him and I try to confront those circling thoughts when they appear. I learned that forgiveness is a letting go of your resentment, anger and all that emotion. It feels good not to carry it. I like that I am not poisoned by it.

In one of our rare video calls (I had to ask for money for our son's college), I actually verbalized it in a rare moment of candor. I told him I haven't forgotten what he did but I forgave him.

I will not forget I will no go back and I will keep it to an almost no contact situation.

But I still don't feel I have forgiven enough. I need to forgive myself.

I think this is something that all of us who leave a spouse - where as adults we recognize it is our choice to stay - yet we know that we stayed out of something other than love. Like the acronym fog says - fear, obligation or guilt. Or for many of us we didn't know our spouse was a narc and thought they would change. Or for me, I didn't even have the language until the last ten years. I didn't know what gaslighting was. Or that abuse was more than physical.

But I did stay and I need to forgive myself. I need to cut that poisoned emotion and purge it. Not justify it with I did the best I could with what I knew - but a true soul deep forgiveness that just accepts it.

So this is my first step in forgiving myself. Facing that I need to own that I stayed. I had a part in this because I choose to stay. That doesn't take him off the hook. Nor does it me. But it is a fact - a sucky reality.

I don't want to hold onto it anymore. I want to feel free from it. I may not get a clean slate - or a fresh start - that shadow will follow each time I question someone's motive when they do something nice for me.

But perhaps, I will start to feel optimism. Hope. Love. I have a new guy and he is talking future plans. He is neurodivergent like myself. I feel safe with him. He encourages my travel and urges me to go while he works out his retirement. So I want to feel more of the up and less of the down. I think forgiveness is the key.

I forgive myself for choosing to stay. Each time.

[walking on broken glass]

This resonated with me, Just keep giving.
I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person that lasted for six years. And after that I got involved very briefly with someone who shared many of the same features. Looking back, all the signs were there. They were screaming at me. But I either wasn't in a position to see them or I just fooled myself. I can't and I won't forgive either of these people: they behaved very badly, they hurt me a lot, and they never acknowledged their bad behaviour; instead they tried to downplay it or gaslight me. So, while I accept that this is who they are and they will never change, I cannot forgive them for the harm they inflicted on me; it was done consciously and it was malicious. But I would like to reach a stage where I am able to forgive myself and this is something I struggle with. I feel that I could have done better and that I should have known better. I am trying to extend more sympathy towards myself these days, as I would to a friend. But it bothers me that I let these people have power over me. Maybe working through the anger and grief, I will eventually reach a place of serenity.

[1footouttadefog]

 Indeed realizing our part in it all is healthy.  Realizing the weaknesses or flaws or quirks that all contributed to being deceived and not seeing and not deciding to leave is healthy to an extent.

I remember a grieving process that was self directed as I grieved my years and opportunities.  There was also a grief over what about myself allowed it all. 

On the flip side, we worked with what we had with no manual.  I was never given a course on personality disorders. I was never given a course on how to identify the various forms of abuse as itemized in the 100 Traits list on this site.

Reframing can help.  Was it even wrong that you stayed?  If so by whose measure.  Life is complex.  It was a journey to come to recognize what you were dealing with.  Would you have learned those lessons and have been doomed to repeat the mistakes had you not stayed? 

What matters most is that you are where you are now on the other side, and are still healing and growing.