Ignoring you or dismissing

[Prototypian]

One thing I've realized in my work with my counselor is that I get ignored and dismissed more than 50
Percent of the time I interact with my uOCPDw spouse.   I realize it's maddening for anyone to have a conversation with someone who
Is attentive to their phone or social media.   I also realize that I can be ignored and dismissed at any time by my spouse doing any activity.   I alsmost feel like it's a way to make sure I know that I'm not special and I'm no more important than anyone else just because we are married.   I'm probably projecting but at any given moment I can be discussing the kids or an activity or something about life and she can tune that discussion out and will even actively cultivate a discussion with someone else about politics or another activity.


If it were just rudeness I would see it as a behavior but this seems deliberate as though it's a way to make sure I know im not important and don't matter.

[bloomie]

Prototypian - what you describe is rude behavior, but also might hit you as devaluing. Our voice, being listened to and heard is vital to intimacy and connectedness in my experience. It is not expecting too much to have the standard within marriage that we speak and listen respectfully to each other.

Have you agreed on communication type standards in the relationship? What happens when/if you draw attention to the fact that you get cut off before you can finish your thought or communicating what you need or want to?

[Prototypian]

I don't think we have agreed on communication standards or really discussed that. 

I was reading a book called "The Mattering Instinct" which discussed how human beings decide if they "matter" or not.   That's both the question of "do I matter to someone else?"and "Does what I am doing or does my purpose matter?"   

In the world of relationships we as humans want to matter to those we are in relationships with and we want to make those we are in relationships wit feel like they matter to us.

[bloomie]

I don't think we have agreed on communication standards or really discussed that. 

I was reading a book called "The Mattering Instinct" which discussed how human beings decide if they "matter" or not.  That's both the question of "do I matter to someone else?"and "Does what I am doing or does my purpose matter?" 

In the world of relationships we as humans want to matter to those we are in relationships with and we want to make those we are in relationships wit feel like they matter to us.

That sounds like an interesting and thought provoking book. I will take a look. I couldn't agree with the premise you shared more.

I have heard it said that marriage is unique in that we bear witness to each other's lives in a way that is so intimate and vulnerable - like no other. And caring for each other's voice in the relationship as well as our own has a vital part to play, I have found. Respectful and aware communication is worth working toward if at all possible. 

I wonder, do you believe that dynamic and habit of interrupting and/or beginning an entirely new conversation with someone else when you were mid sentence might shift if you two talked it through and came to an agreement about how you want to show up for each other around communication?

[1footouttadefog]

Is there a difference in her availability to give you her attention when you are together alone and when there are others around.

I have known people who were social anxious to the point they could only focus on the other people around them and dealing with family and closer friends was optional use of the bandwidth needed to be in a social setting.  In such cases it might not be intentional when they do very attention away and in reality those they dip out on never had their attention to start with. 

Still rude, and not a decent way to treat others.

I am sorry that the person who you are supposed to be close to is unavailable to you.  I understand how things like this make you start to question other aspects of the relationship and that is a healthy thing to do. 

[Prototypian]

I've started looking at things differently.   Not rationalizing and not telling anyone this is the way to work on their problems because everyone is as unique as their situations.  She has always and will always consider the outward connections of rules, order, bureaucracy and the navigation of such things to be the most important work that can be done.  She doesn't think there is an importance to anyone outside of that circle and it's not about feeling good or bad to her.   Other people's value and importance simply doesn't exist if it's not directly related to the rules of governance and bureaucracy.   

I once heard a joke where someone said "how does an engineer go to the bathroom?  He looks up the logs on how he went last time and follows that SOP".  My wife doesn't believe anything should ever be done or that anyone can be more important than "the rules". And it's not a "that's so sad" moment or question of whether you feel for her.  She is so hard wired that she freezes in parking lots if there isn't a sign directing what parking is for a given store.   

Pushing that to her interrupting or communicating or ignoring, the things that matter to her have an order and like someone who is sworn to a monastic life, her absolute number one above all else most important value is following all rules at any time.   If anything contradicts that it is second.   If we are talking and a piece of info comes across her many inputs of Apple Watch, phone, alerts and computer and it is a potential thjng that is a conflict of order or "rules" then she has to understand it and respond.   

I've sort of learned by whatever habits I've developed that I don't matter in the face of this and I've also learned that I don't have the strength to change it.   I've learned to find other places to matter and that's led me to get better at music and art and other things.   

[bloomie]

I've sort of learned by whatever habits I've developed that I don't matter in the face of this and I've also learned that I don't have the strength to change it.   I've learned to find other places to matter and that's led me to get better at music and art and other things.

Prototypian - this is insightful as you can see what you are and are not able to do to influence or change these patterns in your relationship and that you are developing other resources and areas to build a sense of your worth and value.   

[1footouttadefog]

  I've learned to find other places to matter and that's led me to get better at music and art and other things.   
End quote

This is hugely important. I hope you apply it to all aspects of life. 

I can be so amazing to have meaningful interactions while away. 

It hard when you get back home again however.  I am loving an increasingly separate life from my spouse.  I feel less and less responsible for his happiness as time goes on, yet I catch my thoughts being the old way almost daily. 

The Rules were one of utmost importance here.  Rules rules rules.  I think a huge part of my PDH self identity and sense of self worth was that he was a good little boy and followed the rules.......until his mother died.  Then he gradually slipped out of that role and identity and into one where the rules became a way to bully others and by which to judge them and point out flaws. 

It has was interesting watching the very core values change. I am always pondering what was ever real and what part of the change is moral failure and what part is physiological brain changes as mental illness progresses.

I may never know and it's no longer my job to try to do anything about it.  I will live  in the same house until I cannot.