New to Out of the FOG

[Kuboja]

First, thank you all for taking time to help others.   I believe helping others can help us all recover from challenges.   

I married my wife (first marriage) 22.5 years ago.  We have two wonderful kids who are finally out of the house and in College (a milestone I had been waiting for).  I probably should have left many years ago, but I wanted to stay for the kids (a mistake I am sure).  Also, since it is my first marriage, I felt obligated not to get divorced.

I don't know all of the terms and acronyms that are used in topics like the different PDs (I know that is Personality Disorder), but my wife seems to be either Bi-polar or Borderline, also Paranoid Schizophrenic.  She will be normal one min, then accuse me of doing something terrible against her. These are NEVER true... but I am stuck.  She gets extremely angry and when I try to get distance and go into a room, she kicks the door if I lock it.   All of the doors in my house that lock have holes and or have to be replaced.   I am much bigger than her but it is very dangerous when she gets mad.  I can stay calm, but I have to flee the home sometimes with her chasing me.

This is affecting me to the point where I have to leave, I believe.  The control is not comfortable.   

There are good times of course, but I don't think I should spend my retirement years in this situation.

Glad to engage with all of you and will be cruising around the forums to see if some people have situations similar to mine.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a place where people understand.

Whether you leave or stay, check out the separating board. You might find similar stories there. And check out the Toolbox! You are in an abusive situation, find suitable strategies to protect yourself.

See you around on the boards!

[MaxedOut]

Welcome Kujoba,

There is a high co-occurance of borderline and bipolar/schizoaffective (something like 25%-30% of those with bipolar meet borderline criteria). My ex-wife is diagnosed bipolar I/schizoaffective and I contend has borderline (never diagnosed, but 1:1 convos with her psych reflected that was consistent with what they saw).

My ex was also a slammer, kicker, wall puncher, thrower, breaker of things, etc. I had to leave the home with some regularity (or lock myself in rooms). The only door in my house that doesn't need work is my small bedroom closet! So I feel you.

You may want to google "borderpolar" a pop/lay term for co-occuring BP+BPD. And paranoid/distorted thinking can come with either of those. Schizoaffective disorder is distinct from schizophrenia, and is something poorly controlled bipolar can progress to or be the fitting diagnosis from the start. Unless your wife started having delusion, paranoia, psychosis independent of mania and that started in her late teens or early 20s, schizophrenia is unlikely (versus schizoaffective or BP). Paranoia and deluded thinking can be part of bipolar I, schizoaffective, or BPD. And hallucinations and other types of psychosis haduring manic phases of bipolar I. If they occur outside of mania, then one of the schizo- diagnoses becomes more likely. But to be clear we are talking seeing things, hearing things,  eing convinced you are god, etc. "Just" paranoia and distortions in thinking can run across a host of conditions.

You are welcome to look at my old post history to read more about my experience (divorced a bit less than a year ago, separated a bit more than a year ago).

I am glad to hear that your kids are out of the house and you are able to now think about and prioritize yourself and your wellbeing! No need to think about what you could have or should have done earlier.

A therapist can really be helpful at this point to work through considerations, what has led to/keeps you feeling stuck, safety and crisis planning, etc. Just look for someone familiar with significant mental illness.

The toolkit on this website has a lot of great knowledge and methods to use (just being able to identify and name things really helps). And given the abusive factors, a few books that I found really helpful if you are a reader, were The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Why Does He Do That, Splitting (about divorce with PDs), Emotional Blackmail, and BIFF. Commonly recommended and good ones on BPD include Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

[Kuboja]

Thank you so much.  This helps a lot.  I will review you previous posts and read some of those books.  I think I will get a whole lot from this site!