One mistake means total shame

[Call Me Cordelia]

What is this thing where one mistake makes me feel like every good thing about my life is a lie? I exercised this morning but later I yelled at my kids. So I feel ashamed that I did a workout. And shame for yelling of course, but it's this sense of who the hell do I think I am and I deserve nothing. It makes no sense but happens to me all the time.

[GoodPesto]

Hi CallMeCordelia,
I am sorry you are familiar with what reminds me of the coined term "toxic shame". Your post made me think for a moment and the analytic part of my brain got activated. If you're up for it, here is what my mind came up with. It could be way off of course but maybe it is helpful in any way.
There is one sentence in your post that could be pointing to an important part of the dynamic. You wrote: I exercised this morning but later yelled at my kids. Assuming that you are describing what you did today, another option would be to connect both actions with the word "and". But there is a but. This could indicate that there is the (more or less conscious) feeling of guilt around exercising (e.g. I should be doing something else). Also (semi)-Consciously you could be expecting that since you were doing something you like, you should be satisfied, in equilibrium, and kind. When then something happens that could be you lashing out due to the (unconsicous) conflict of you having done something good for yourself that a part of you thinks you shouldn't do or or aren't worthy of, you get served not only one but two disappointments that you seem to blame yourself for. First, you "failed" to be balanced, kind and satisfied after you did something for yourself but apparently this did not work or the other thing would not have happened. So treating yourself with working out, which already costs you, did not result in what it 'should' achieve (the satisfied, kind you). Second, you, who apparently "failed", are this way "truly" not worth anything joyful, because it doesn't serve its assumed purpose.
To put it in more general terms because you also wrote that this happens a lot for you: You put pressure on yourself when fighting for your right to have joy. You add more pressure on yourself by expecting you that having enjoyed something should have certain results. Once you snap (which is quite likely, because you are under pressure), all your fighting seems to have been for nothing and you have to take a round of feeling ashamed for even trying to do something you enjoy and all the awful people of your past that taught you crap like that about yourself and life are suddenly "right".
I know this is assuming quite a bit and I already wrote it could be totally off.
But being familiar with toxic shame, this is how I could make sense of what you are describing.
I know this is a horrible feeling and I am sorry you are experiencing it.

Best wishes

[NarcKiddo]

A lot of us have a very virulent inner critic that just loves to lie in wait for every mis-step which it then uses as "proof" that we are terrible. That no matter what we do, we will never be good enough, let alone good. Pete Walker in his book about CPTSD has some useful ideas to help with this - even if you don't identify with CPTSD as such.

I am sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing and that you are dealing with it now. One immediate way of trying to re-frame your reaction to be kinder to yourself is to consider whether you would berate a friend in the way you berate yourself. I am guessing your answer would be "no way" so maybe think about what you would say to a friend just to be a friend in the moment, not necessarily to solve their problem.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this Cordelia. I came across this article today which might give some ideas as to how to deal with the inner critic and unhelpful shame.

https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/how-to-combat-negative-self-talk?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-gb

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, Pesto, I think you about nailed it. It's certainly that same old stinkin' critic. What I guess threw me this time was realizing that when I do something bad, I tear myself down for what I do that's GOOD as much or more than whatever the mistake was!  Totally something my parents used to do to me. Oh, you're anxious about kids at school? What's the matter, aren't you supposed to be so smart? A mistake or imperfection meant it was open season on Cordelia. Guess Miss Perfect has fallen! Mocking me and gleefully tearing me down across the board.

You're right about doing something good for myself being yet another source of internal pressure. Like am I doing a hard enough workout? Am I seeing results? Am I consistent? Just doing the thing isn't good enough. Never good enough. 

I guess for most of us the critic isn't ever going to be gone, but I definitely go through times where he's louder and more obnoxiously persistent than other times. I guess right now is one of those times and for whatever reason, it felt a little different and unfamiliar. Thanks for the encouragement, everybody.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I did find this video from Jay Reid about this phenomenon. Yep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95GnZWLAX7I