Greetings!

[hestia26]

I am not sure how much to share to start with. I am a senior, over sixty five married to a PD of seventy. We married late in life, in our fifties. I wasn't familiar with his disorder, SPD and it wasn't diagnosed until last year.Since then, the puzzle pieces have started falling into place!

I am currently struggling with a strong desire to leave. I have been on a Merry-go-round from the beginning and am now exhausted and feeling hopeless. I am joining this forum for support and possibly help with deciding on a way forward.I have already found some really helpful tips and pointers and am feeling encouraged!

A little background on me: I am disabled and in poor health. This is why thoughts of leaving are so stressful. My SO has a good job with benefits and a 401K plan. We had tentatively planned that when he retires, we would sell our current home and relocate elsewhere. At present, the thought of living anywhere else with him is not an attractive one. We would just be bringing the issues along with us. I am also grieving for the relationship I thought I had. So a lot of upheaval going on in my head. Anyway, thanks for reading.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @hestia26 - I am sorry issues with a uPD in your marriage brought you here but at the same time I am glad you are reaching out for support and validation.

I was in a relationship with a uPD for like 7 years-  I was dead set against leaving because I kept thinking that if I could just CHANGE me enough, it would fix the problems.  two duis and several DV incidents later I learned the hard way that it had to end or I was going to be dead or in jail..... 

I know for many married folks leaving isn't always financially viable , in any situation where finances are mingled it may be best to consult a legal professional about what your options are in your unique situation- for me we were just living together in a state without common law marriage- so it was easy to set things in motion to resolve and end the relationship.   

one thing I wish I would have done is talked to someone on a professional basis- the closest counseling I got was the obligatory appointment through the courts because of the DV cases.  I was too ashamed to seek out additional help-

in the meanwhile, try to figure out what boundaries you need to have with your uPD husband to have some peace in your life.  it's not about controlling him, it's about how you chose to respond when he does certain things that cause the stress in you to be extreme.  a suggestion, learn about the grey rock technique which can shut down circular conversations by not giving responses that become ammunition.

You can find more information in the toolbox here https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

Take care of yourself today- you've taken a big step- we hope to see you on the boards again soon!

[bloomie]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, hestia26. Thank you for trusting us with some context for the relationship that brings you here. My heart goes out to you as you are wrestling with complex decisions about how to best go forward in your marriage.

What I love about his community is we are here for you. To support you as you determine what is best and right for you unique needs and circumstances. I hope to hear more from you as you engage with the community on the subforums!

[hestia26]

Thank you all for the support! I am cruising the site and learning so much.

[MaxedOut]

Hi, hestia and a warm welcome!

Not to advocate for one decision or another but for the sake of working from good scenario information, your financial situation with divorce may be a lot stronger than you think. In my state, it would likely include half of home net value (and other assets acquired, accrued, or increased in value during the marriage), monthly spousal support payments from your husband due to your disability, and half the value of retirement account contributions and growth from during the marriage.