What will happen when he dies?

[Sunflower79]

I'll start off by saying that I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get here other than maybe some understanding or words of wisdom from people who've been through it. My mother died when I was young and I've been NC with my father for almost ten years.  He's getting older and is an alcoholic and I'm guessing that his health can't be ideal.  I wonder a lot what will happen if he gets really sick or passes away suddenly.  How will I find out? Will anyone tell me? Will he summon my brother and I? Would I go?
He's cut out my brother and I in favor of his stepchildren, so I have no way of knowing. I'm not in contact with them either, and not because they're bad people, but I'm sure they'd be used as a conduit, and I am very uncomfortable with my father knowing anything about me. I've basically lost that entire side of my family. 

Lately I've been having intense nightmares where I can't get away from him.  Even seeing his face in my nightmares is incredibly upsetting and I sometimes wake up in a panic or crying. Does anyone here have experience with these things? Like- will I feel relief when he dies? Will there be sadness? Probably there will be a lot of things. I do love him and have a lot of compassion for what caused his NPD but also, life is so much more peaceful without him in it. I think that's so sad.

Thanks for reading this.  Love to all of you who have a PD relationship.  It's so difficult.

[Tribe16]

Like- will I feel relief when he dies? Will there be sadness? Probably there will be a lot of things. I do love him and have a lot of compassion for what caused his NPD but also, life is so much more peaceful without him in it.

This is a challenging situation and lots of us here are wondering something similar that have elderly parents, and there's not one right answer - what is right for you is the right answer.

I can only give you one good example from my friend - she is an eldest daughter like me, and the scapegoat of her family. Her mother was pretty horrible to her, and a religious narcissist - perfect mother in public, horrible in private - my friend said she cried for about a week, and then felt a great sense of relief and hasn't been much bothered by it since and her mom's been gone a year. That's one experience that I know of.

I feel like I have been grieving my mom (still living) for several years, so I don't know how I will feel. I don't know if it will be the same as someone who unexpectedly loses a parent that they are close to - but I don't honestly know what will actually happen. I don't think I will ever see my mom again in this life unless some miraculous change occurs which I don't anticipate.

I think many of us here are grieving what might have been, but never really was. And you are right that is very sad.

[Adria]

Dear Sunflower,

I can see the confusion, sadness and fear in your writing. I am so sorry that you are having to worry about such things. 

I can only tell you by my experience. I was the scapegoat in a very narcissistic family, NC for over 30 years.  My parents are both deceased now. Nobody ever told me when they passed, I ended up finding out by reading it in the obituaries.

I loved my parents, but they were cruel and ruthless people.  It's a hard thing to admit, but I felt a brief period of sadness that quickly turned to relief.  Not what you ever think, but life sure can throw curve balls.  When I went back to my hometown for a visit, I hunted down the gravesites and left a rose, told them I loved them and forgave them.  I suppose more for me than them.

The good news is, in these situations, I feel most of us have already grieved their loss over the years while they were still alive. However, it is hard to realize that until they are gone.  In some ways, that makes things much easier.  In actuality, I believe you grieve more of what might have been if things were different. 

To me, grieving living deaths is much, much harder.

The thing is, is don't put too many expectations on yourself.  Love yourself, knowing you did the best you could, even if it wasn't great.  Be patient with yourself and allow the feelings to come and go as they arise without judgement.  These situations are not for the faint of heart, but you have been strong to make it this far.  The unknown can live like phantoms in your mind.  Try not to dwell on the future right now.  Stay in the moment and enjoy the sunshine. 

Always remember, tomorrow is a brand new day.

I hope this helps with some of your anxiety.  Hugs, Adria

[footprint33]

Hi Sunflower,

I'm so sorry you're having these intense nightmares, and I can relate to much of what you write, though I'm now at a different stage. What Tribe16 and Adria have written also echoes some of my situation.

Both of my parents are alive, but from what I've heard, they're nearing the end of life. I haven't been to their home in over 17 years and haven't seen them in person in 13 years. For about 12 years of that time, my feelings were almost identical to yours. Deep anxiety filled me when I thought about either of them dying and what I would do. I went full NC 10 years ago, but then broke NC 5 years ago upon hearing that my father was "very ill and about to die" (he was not, but that's what I heard from someone connected to the family). When that happened, I looked deep inside myself and felt that I'd feel regret at not reaching out to him one last time just to say goodbye. So I sent him a very short email that said I'd heard he was sick and that I wished him well. I also told him that my life was very good with my family and that we were happy.

When I wrote that email, it was really more for myself, not for him or the family, as I was preparing myself for his death and how I thought I'd feel after he died. I didn't want him to think that I was enraged at him. The reality is my life is beautiful, and although he and my family of origin have done horrible things to me, I've been able to move on. That email unfortunately opened a can of worms for me, which took about two years for me to get out of. My father responded very coldly to the email, then a brother who never bothered to contact me suddenly popped up out of the blue and said he wanted to visit. It's a long story, but for two years, I thought maybe I was rekindling a relationship with that brother, when in the meantime, he was saying horrendous things about me behind my back and trying to create a new narrative about who I was since he was in touch with me. I learned of this at the end of 2023 and quickly went NC with him. A cousin told me that my brother most likely only got into touch with me after I'd written to my father because my brother wants me disinherited and he was likely nervous that I was back in touch with my father. That all made sense to me and I do think that's what my brother was doing. Both of my parents are alcoholics and personality disordered, really of the malignant narcissistic sort. However, when I was a little girl, I was the only one in the family who had a good relationship with my father, so those memories are still there and I've always felt that the situation of him dying is more complicated for me. In the case of my mother, I was her clear scapegoat--physically, mentally, emotionally abused, etc. So there's less complicated feelings there.

In the end, I came to the realization that I definitely won't be going to either of my parents' funerals when they die, and I really don't care much anymore how I learn about their deaths. I'm firm now that I do not want to be involved at all. This has brought me a lot of relief as I've overcome the years of anxiety I felt in wondering what I would do when they die, how I'd learn about their deaths, etc.

When my parents do die, I will likely hold a small ceremony where I live (thousands of miles away from them), just to bring closure for myself. I'll probably make copies of photos I have of them and either bury the photos or burn them. I'll acknowledge my own sadness at never having had parents who loved me, but will say goodbye, which is also a final goodbye to any hope that they would change or acknowledge things they'd done to me. When people connected to the family write to me about my parents' deaths, I will either ignore them entirely or respond in a way that I see fit.

Being in limbo about not knowing what we'll do when they die or how we'll find out about it can be very hard. Try to think most about what you want and not what you think others will think of you if you do or don't go to the funeral, do or don't respond to them when they tell you your father has died, etc.

Hugs,
footprint

[Sunflower79]

Thank you footprint, Adria, and Tribe,

I have a strong feeling that you're all correct that grieving a living person might be more challenging than when they die. These last several years have been much more peaceful since letting go of the fantasy that he'd ever be able to be the kind of father I needed. Getting to that "death" was very difficult.  Accepting those hard truths were really hard, lol! I think what I might actually be fearful of is all of that gunk being drug to the surface again, but you're all right again in saying that I'll find a way.

The idea of holding my own ceremony or funeral is a good one so thanks for that, too. 

Thank you all for being understanding and empathetic. It's so incredible to me that those of us who were raised by people with PD have turned out so well.

Big hugs,

Sunflower 79