Classic narcissistic injury rage spiral

[Sunflower79]

Hi, all,

I'm new here and am so thankful to find this community of people who've survived childhoods with PD parents.  There's a lot I would like to explore here, but the first thing I'd like to hear from other about is Narcissistic Injuries. 

Through therapy I've come to understand that I was raised by a classic narc who thinks there isn't anything wrong with him.  One thing from my childhood and adulthood, prior to going NC, that traumatized me (for real CPTSD) was his raging. 

We all walked on eggshells around him because just about anything would set him off and when he'd lose it he'd become a monster. His eyes would turn black and he'd scream and throw tantrums (like a toddler), break things, and even sometimes hit one of my siblings (the scapegoat). 

During one holiday meal after my child was born, someone said something that set him off and I'd absolutely had it with the screaming and histrionics. We left and a few days later I gave him an ultimatum- "I will put up with that not one more time. Get help or I will cut you off." Surprisingly he did start therapy, and I truly believed that he was on the right track.
You know how this story ends, but I'll tell you anyway. 

A few years later after my own therapy I tried to have a conversation with him about some things from my childhood and it did not go well. Initially I thought he was going to accept what I had to say but after a few days of him isolating in a self-loathing depression, he turned to utter rage. He called me screaming and laid waste to what was left of our relationship.  It was without a doubt the worst verbal attack I've ever endured.

In classic fashion, he triangulated through my stepmother and tried to lure me to therapy.  When I refused, he cut contact and I haven't heard from him in almost ten years.  To be frank, it's better, calmer, I have less drama, and don't have to put up with his whining, yelling, and childlike tantrums anymore.  I don't grieve for him, but for the father I wish I had. 

All these years later I can see that incident for what it was, a narcissistic injury that he simply could not tolerate and therefore foisted back on to me.

Learning about NPD has been really helpful but I've not yet been in a place where I can hear from other adult children who endured these kinds of things- my healing and therapy has been done mostly alone. I'm super glad to be here among people who understand, and I'd really like to hear from you.

[Liketheducks]

Your post really resonated with me.   My father has/had similar behavior.   He actually became violent with me and the rest of my family many times during my childhood during his rages.   Though, I believe his narc injury when confronted prompts him to deny that any happened at all.     

I've grieved both of my parents....like you...not them, but the version of them I should have had.   In some ways, accepting that this is who they are....has been a comfort to me.   I no longer hope for things to be different, but reality is that they're incapable of it.   For my dad AND for my mom, if it doesn't fit their narrative, then it didn't happen.   Because if it DID happen....then they would be monsters.   No one wants to be the villain of their own story.   Emotionally mature people will look at how they contribute to a rift AND repair or make amends OR try to do things differently in the future.   

[Sunflower79]

Hi, Liketheducks,

Thank you so much for your response. I totally get what you're saying about it being a comfort to realize that they aren't capable. It's helped me to not expect anything or get my hopes up- it still hurts but not because I'm disappointed again; it sort of takes that element out of the equation.

I also totally get what you mean about them not being able to take full responsibility- they are incapable. It's such a bizarre notion to grapple with because I just cannot imagine doing those kinds of things to other people, let alone my own children.  The concept of cutting out my kids because I'm not emotionally stable or mature enough to deal with their criticism is out of this world. 

Thanks again for responding.  It's so helpful.

[Liketheducks]

Sunflower....I also cannot fathom how or why my parents act the way they do.   I tend to believe that they just are stuck with the emotional intelligence of a teenager.   They both went through their own traumas at that point.   Neither got any help for it.   I'm grateful that I was able to.   

I have an incredible counselor that I've been with for years.   I once asked her, "What do they gain?"   What do people with NPD gain from behaving this way?   My counselor said, that in this kind of pathology, untreated....they gain the fulfillment of being in their role.   For my mom it is victim.   She has run through her entire FOC by making each of us her persecutor in the drama triangle.   She gets attention and validation from other family members by the "oh, I'm so nice and my children have abandoned me...woe is me trope".   She's so invested in this role and gets the superficial love from further and further removed family....that she literally believes that I'm being terrible to her.  She really believes she's raised ungrateful, cold, unloving children.  For the record, she cut me off and then told everyone I had done it.     

For my father, it is more that he cannot face that his did some pretty monstrous things to his wife and children.   He just pretends it didn't happen...and can't understand why none of his children have relationships with him.   Gaslighting on a nuclear scale.  I can't be around him, because after 18 years of periodic physical abuse....my C-PTSD and body reacts as if the tiger is right there in the room. 

Neither of them have demonstrated ANY ability to self-reflect.   Both blame the other for how things turned out in my FOO.   When, looking at them from my middle age, I see two teens who got married because they were pregnant with me and didn't have the skills to deal with what they chose.  Mom was always the victim, Dad was always the abuser....this is how they dealt with it.   She could get what she needed from her FOO by showing up after a rage.   Yet, she was so horrible to Dad...that I believe some of what he was doing was reactive abuse. (Not ok, at all)   I look at their union and them as individuals, it makes me sad for them.   They're both so stuck.   

[NarcKiddo]

My mother has always behaved like a giant, vindictive, toddler. Her rages are epic. Less so towards me now she is in her 80s because she has realised her power is dwindling and I may no longer tolerate this. She is right in that supposition - I won't. I am LC and grey rock her. Don't want to go NC but I am now capable of doing so if she really pushes me. I think she senses that.

I have not bothered to raise any childhood issues with her. There is no point. It will not go well. She has made it clear she does not believe in apologies because you cannot rewrite the past. She told me once that she thinks my sibling hates her because of "old grievances". I suggested that it was always open to her to try apologising and you would have thought I'd suggested she fly to the moon.

She makes new friends easily because she is superficially charming but many have distanced themselves over the years, or vanished altogether as they start to get glimpses of what she is actually like. If she does not get her own way at all times she is a nightmare. This extends to others behaving as she has instructed them even in matters which do not concern her at all!

[Sunflower79]

Liketheducks,

I'm so thankful that you have a wonderful counselor that you trust and have been able to make so much progress.  It's comforting to know that so many of us have been able to break the cycle and not pass this stuff down to our own children.  I think it's a miracle.  I credit my wonderful loving mother for showing me and letting me feel what real love looks like- I was able to recognize that in my spouse when we met and have never looked back.  Oftentimes I am in awe of how much different my life is as an adult based on where I came from.  My younger self is so stoked for me. 

NarcKiddo,
How have you been able to keep your mother in your life?  Like what strategies do you use to not get drawn into the drama?  You also bring up a point that I spend a lot of time thinking about- what happens to Narcs when they are elderly and everyone has kind of "found them out"? It's sad that they aren't capable of keeping relationships and it must be so lonely to not understand why- or at least be able to reflect and change behavior.  Like your mother, my father is incredibly fun and charming when he wants to be.  It seems like it's really easy for him to make friends but not be able to keep them.  I have a lot of empathy for him because I truly think that he has no idea that he's the problem and don't think that he necessarily does his wild behaviors on purpose.  Must be so confusing to them to have people react the way they do. 

Thank you both so much for this conversation. 

[NarcKiddo]

How have you been able to keep your mother in your life?  Like what strategies do you use to not get drawn into the drama? 

That's the six million dollar question! I was terribly enmeshed with her until my mid 40s. So I was always drawn into the drama. Then I started waking up and getting Out of the FOG slowly. She has trained me well in terms of my duty towards family and I have not been able to drop the rope. I don't really want to, either, for loads of reasons, so I am plodding along as best I can. Contact as low as possible - she lives near me so visits can be short and fairly frequent (once a month or so) rather than longer which I find really hard to tolerate. I grey rock - found that to be helpful before I even knew it was a thing. Observe, don't absorb is another tactic I use. And therapy. Lots of therapy to deal with my CPTSD and all the other wonderful scars she has left.

While she is in theory "in my life" I tell her nothing. I won't even tell her what book I am reading at the moment! It's not really a relationship, just a performance.

[Sunflower79]

NarcKiddo,

That makes sense to me. Going NC isn't always and option.  Lol, thankfully my father made the decision for me.  I wonder sometimes if I'd have been strong enough to do it. Anyway, I'm glad that you found something that works well enough for you.

<3 Sunflower79