darned if you do, darned if you don't - NPDm

[lindentree]

Just spent over 5 days with my NPDm visiting us from out of state. She chose the dates and it was about one day too long. In the last couple years I had felt that contact and LC was the right situation for me and my FOC, but after almost 6 days with a narcissist who cannot stop talking I'm completely exhausted.

Seems to snoop around my house, looking for gifts and toys (why is it always wall art?) she's given us?
Cannot stop talking from the second we pick her up at airport. We should have spent less time driving around the city with her one day when we were doing some sight seeing.
Everything we see or say, she bring it back to her and seems to always "one-up" us - the museum is all about her childhood, commenting on our city reminds of another city in our state where she once lived.
My child wrote in his diary "Why does grandma always laugh at me?"
It's almost like she is just a walking ball of anxious energy
Is overly touchy with my husband to the point that he is uncomfortable
Barely lifts a finger to help me around the house (I homeschool two young children), but if she does a chore, it's half-a$$ and she needs a lot of attention for doing it
Over-promises: "You should go do something just you two, I'll watch the kids" and when we say, "Great, maybe we'll purge and organize some toys" she makes a POUTY face
If we speak firmly to our amazing kids, she makes a sad face, when in reality she was a TERROR to grow up with and I have no warm emotions towards her
Embarrassing to have our friends meet her (church, birthday party) because right away she is talking about her career accomplishments or weirdly bragging about me.
Dread, nightmares, and cold numbness as it comes time to pick her from airport; relief, levity, and pure optimism after dropping off
She has begged us to come to her condo in FL and when we find dates that work for us, "that is not enough time"
When we look at other dates and later come back to those dates, "I'm so disappointed, you need to come for longer, I feel hurt, etc."
I feel nothing towards this woman, except pity, fear, and complete detachment

We have worked with a wonderful licensed family/marriage therapist and our approach is to "suit up", go in knowing that she will do what she always does, not let it get to me basically. Maybe some of you will not agree with that. I am not considering going NC. I want to focus on LC.

The toxicity is just so strong, I have no idea how my sibling and I turned out to be rational, relatively emotionally mature adults.

Please someone tell me their parents is just as difficult as mine. Please remind me of what i need to remember as I go forward with LC with her. I'm so tired of being emotionally manipulated, and my kids are getting old enough (early elementary) to notice something is off with her. My youngest didn't want to be left with her for a couple hours, I think she had hurt his feelings.

[NarcKiddo]

My uNPD mother does pretty much all of those things. I find her totally exhausting. How you managed to have yours in the house for so long, I cannot imagine. Mine insists on a two-night family get together at her house once per year and it is the absolute most I can deal with. I need serious decompression time after that one.

Like you, I do not wish to go NC. I have for a long time been LC. Mine lives quite close to me so I can keep visits fairly frequent (once a month or so) but only for a few hours. I employ grey rock mostly - have you checked out the toolbox here? I discovered grey rock before I knew it was a 'thing' and it has proved very helpful. I also use the 'observe, don't absorb' technique, which is also helpful.

I would say to you that while you absolutely need to 'suit up' as necessary, this does not at all mean that you have to put up with everything she flings at you. Over the last couple of years I have started saying "no" to my mother when she tells me to jump, instead of asking 'how high?'. The first few times of saying 'no' were terrifying. It is a word she cannot deal with (even she does not use it, but instead makes all manner of bizarre excuses if she does not want to do something) and I honestly thought the sky would fall. But it didn't. She has actually adjusted some of her behaviour because she has worked out what I might refuse. To avoid me saying 'no' to her face she first tried triangulating via my sister, but the answer remained 'no'. These days she will mostly not ask me at all. This makes life somewhat easier for both of us. If there are some things I refused as a policy when I was hammering home the fact I can say 'no', but know she likes, I may occasionally make an offer and that pleases her.

Although I have no wish to go NC I am now prepared to do so if my mother really gets out of line. I think she senses the difference in my attitude because she is much more careful around me. She would absolutely hate NC because one of the most important things to her is to be able to trot out the illusion of a happy family in front of her friends.

Since you have children (I don't) I think you do need to consider your management of her if you wish to continue a relationship and give her access to them. You know how dreadful she can be from your own childhood and there's no reason at all your kids should be exposed to bad behaviour just because she is their grandmother.

A final point I would like to make is that you need to take care of yourself. Suiting up for the immediate interaction is all very well but it can be really helpful to make sure difficult chores or meetings are kept to a minimum in the lead up to any visit with her, and again in the time immediately afterwards. Going in emotionally strong and allowing yourself time to decompress afterwards is important. Seeing her is emotionally dangerous. You would not undertake any other dangerous task without planning and protection. Just because she is your mother does not make seeing her any less dangerous. You may already do this, but it bears remembering nevertheless.

[moglow]

One day too long? I'm actually kind of impressed here. I'm not sure when I was last around mine for that long, but I guarantee it was more than a few days too long. Our window of reasonable opportunity is much smaller. I completely understand the need to suit up before and debrief and decompress after - and I'd imagine she does some of the same. 

Mine feels every minute has to be filled with noise, specifically the sound of her voice. She goes in hard and burns herself down pretty quickly, then she gets stuck in repeat asking the same questions she still doesn't register the answers to. And all of that was already covered in recent conversations anyway, because she's limited. There are no easy companionable silences while you fix meals or clean up, it's one zinger after another. 

Oh you want to watch a movie, read your book for a while before bed? Not going to happen. You can try but the incessant hissing and complaints make that a nonstarter. I had to resort to going to bed early, closing the door, then hear comments about "she must still be up the lights are on ..." Knocks at the door to see if Im asleep yet or maybe we can talk just us two. Or she goes to bed early after which there must be complete and absolute silence so Her Majesty can sleep. And of course my pets would be a problem because they're gonna do what they do ... Nope.

She'll just have to be disappointed. You have a home and family to consider, and this is what you have available. I'd stop apologizing - you chose *this* life, not hers.

[lindentree]

Thank you for reminding me of OBSERVE, and grey rock. Yes, grey rock has been such a helpful tool and I need to get back into that.

In hindsight I see how long of a trip this was (thankfully my DH was around a lot). I'm afraid of telling her we can't do long visits, as we live 9 hours away. But I know I have to.

Yes, I am concerned about protecting my kids from her behavior. We have talked about this with our therapist. We figure we are only around her 3-4 times a year, and I do believe in kids learning some resilience and not being sheltered from crazy old people (haha) but I should probably we revisit this and make sure exposure to her emotional bullying is limited.

The only time I didn't "play bingo" (not be caught off guard when she does the things she always does) was when we had all been in the car for a long time together in our city and she starts talking about a family member who had faked his own death. I cut her off since it wasn't appropriate for the kids (lower elementary age) and The Queen was highly offended that I "would tell her what she can and cannot say", she is a "grown woman", etc.

"illusion of a happy family in front of her friends." So true, and holiday/vacation triggers + social media just exacerbate this in Narcs.

Your responses are much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to weigh in, share your stories, and offer advice. I'm taking it all to heart.