Signs progress is real? I want to be optimistic!

[zad7242]

Hello!

About a month ago I made some of the most blunt statements to my uBPDw about my inability to keep going with her screaming, name calling of me in front of our children. Separation and/or divorce was implicit. At that time she committed to doing her best to stop, which I commend and she has not screamed since then. However, she has made a few comments like "I have to stop calling daddy names or he will divorce me" She has also "playfully" slapped, punched me in the shoulder and said "do you like this better than me calling you names?" I do think she is really trying. If I want to be pessimistic I could point out that she also started vaping THC again, which always makes her much calmer. The cycle is that some point she will regret using a substance, stop, and then all the repressed rage with surface worse than before. On another positive note, she has also taken a much more positive view of our shared religion which she had been in the habit of disparaging in front of the kids, which is also a huge positive. What are keys others have learned to look for to see that progress is real? I certainly don't want to start asking too many questions of her about it, as not to sabotage any hope that is there. Thanks! 

[bloomie]

zad7242 - I like that you are noticing that there are other behaviors/statements that fall short of the respectful interactions you are hoping for. It's important to continue to hold ground in the standards you hold.

There is only one way that I know of to know if progress and change is real... observing consistent behaviors over time.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Winning back trust is necessarily a long road.

[1footouttadefog]

As they say time will tell.

Visits the 100 traits list on this site.  Often they shift from one group of behaviours to new ones.  A review of that list might make you more sensitive to such changes.

[square]

I hope that this could be the start of change. Unfortunately real change has to happen inside her - where, instead of trying to "get" you in alternative methods like "playfully" pinching you, or passive-aggresively framing you as a persecutor ("I have to play nice or bad Daddy will destroy our family"), she starts treating you respectfully because she wants a respectful relationship.

Keep making observations. If you see something you like, tell her. "Thanks for being calm during this stressful situation, I know it wasn't easy for you."