Should I laugh, cry, scream, or some combination?

[Poison Ivy]

In May, I will be marking 10 years since my divorce was finalized. I have a decent relationship with my ex-husband, by which I mean that we can tolerate being in the same room with each other when necessary. This summer, we'll even be traveling with each other for about one week (not my idea but it's a gift of sorts to our daughter and her fiancee, organized and paid for by her fiancee's father).

A big problem while we were married and occasionally now that we're no longer married is ghosting: My ex ghosts me, our children, and, apparently, other people. I say "other people" because today a woman left a voicemail message for one daughter (who hasn't lived here in more than 10 years), saying that my ex hasn't been answering phone calls and the woman is worried, so can the daughter call back the woman and let her know that my ex is okay.

So, laugh, cry, or scream?

[square]

UGH.

When my husband started "falling apart," we had this problem. He might agree to do something with or for someone but he just wasn't able to handle it so it wouldn't get done. I'd stress about it. Or, he used to do a type of work and had a few clients for various jobs. They would call wanting something done, but instead of just saying "sorry, I'm not available" he would just... not deal with it. Sometimes those people would contact me, sometimes even come to the house and knock. It would stress me out. At first I would assume/hope he'd do the thing, but eventually I realized it wasn't going to happen so I'd have to tell folks it wasn't going to happen. After a while he burned all his bridges and nobody comes looking for him anymore.

The "can you let me know if he's ok" is pretty annoying. People aren't asking "gee, did he fall in the shower, can you go check?" They are just saying "can you get him to respond to me please?" They aren't "concerned." Come on.

My SIL would do this "concern" crap when my husband wouldn't get back to her. No, he's fine, he's just ignoring you. Leave me out of it.

I don't know what your situation is with this woman who called, but I would be tempted to just completely ignore it. It got overlooked because it was a message for someone who doesn't live there anymore, whoops. Oh well. Oh, we don't hear from him either so we don't know.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, square. The woman who called is someone I've never met but of whom I'm aware. The last I knew, she lived in another state. She and my husband started communicating online and by phone while we were still married. It was a gut punch, even though I doubt that she and my ex have a physical relationship.

I always feel yucky when my ex isn't responding to communications, and the element of this communication being from someone who might be a "special" friend and her having or looking up this phone number and leaving the message for one of our daughters: ugh, ugh, ugh.

I'm not going to call the woman. I did contact my ex online and I explained that I wouldn't be contacting the woman.

I told my sister about this. She is usually on my side; this time, she said that maybe I should try calling my ex, to make sure he's okay. That brought me down even further.

[square]

Oh, ugh, the nature of the relationship makes it even worse.

This woman is trying to triangulate your daughter, trying to turn her into a flying monkey.

It's neither your business nor your daughter's business as to whether your husband calls this lady or not. Maybe he told her to stop contacting him. That would absolutely be his right. And maybe he is just ignoring her. It's none of your business. Did they have an argument? Not your business. Is he tired of her? Not your business.

What are you supposed to do, Poison Ivy, call him... on the same phone number that she also has?

Will he pick up your phone call but not hers? Maybe. He might.

And then what? Maybe he'll take your phone call but was avoiding hers. The implication here is that you (well, your daughter was the target, but anyway) would somehow pressure him into making the phone call. The phone call that he didn't want to make. The phone call that he is in no way obligated to make. To a woman that you have less than zero obligation to please.

Oh hell no.

[MaxedOut]

Wrote this before Square's second post came through... but still holds (and a couple similar thoughts...

Square is spot on here... about not having responsibility to mediate/intervene... and about motives of the person reaching out.

It took me a while to realize the second part when things were framed as concern, but true concern from someone who does know the PD person's risks is usually more like "Hey, I just wanted to reach out as X said something that made me a bit worried. No need to call back but such-and-such." As those coming from genuine concern know the loved ones are probably already in the know that there is a crisis or are far more knowledgeable to assess and determine what if anything should be done or looked out for. AND they know the person and their loved ones have enough on their hands if there is a crisis - no need to respond/require acknowledgement.

Ulterior motives can be getting that person to respond, or being nosy about whether something is going on, or wanting a mediator, etc. My ex would sometimes ghost but not to the head-in-the-sand level you both mention. However, an adjacent thing that used to grate on me was getting messages from people my ex was mad at. For example, getting messaged text screenshots of stuff my ex had sent with the sender saying things like "So apparently ——- is mad at me again." Or "Is ——- ok? Or "——- is upset, I [their side of things or letting me know it was not true/distorted]" or "This is abusive."

My mental reactions tended to be things like "that is not even bad for her at all" or "I'm not getting in the middle of this. She will try and Flying Monkey me." or "Sorry. This is minor in the scheme of dysregulated behavior I am dealing with right now." or "Yeah, I know she's mad at you. You are not here for her to unleash on, so I am getting all the lashing out pointed at me." being the partner of someone with PD meant that I usually did not have space to get twisted up about whatever it was - relative perspective and proximity....

My therapist helped break me of the impulse to respond by pointing out how childish/out-of-bounds it is for an adult dealing with another adult to try and pull in someone else. After that bit of grounding, if I responded it tended to be something like    or "—- is not doing well." and left it at that. Acknowledgement but not engagement or rewarding whatever motives were in play.

Same deal here. If this caller was so concerned, a better tactic would be to let your ex know she is worried enough that if she doesn't at least get some response (even just a text reaction) she will call the authorities to do a welfare check or she no longer wants contact.

And I am so sorry this was some weird situation-ship person, Poison Ivy! That is indeed ugh, ugh, ugh.

If there is any messaging (and I agree with Square, not your sister), it seems like it should be to your ex. "This is not OK for our daughter to receive. Handle your stuff because we won't be handling it for you - other than perhaps recommending if someone is really concerned that they have a welfare check performed." EDIT to add, Square adds some good points on there potentially being reasons other than flakiness or, hell, flakiness as the lifestyle of choice and ignoring being best.

[moglow]

😳 The BALLS of people!! That she'd call there -of all places!!- begging someone to contact him for her?! Having history of a sort just makes it worse. It'd be laughable if it didn't feel so ... Slimy. Ma'am no, he's a grown man. If he's not calling it's because he doesn't want to.

I absolutely wouldn't tell him, but I'd be sorely tempted to call her. Something like: "I don't know who you are or why you'd call here about Mr Ex, but you should know this is absolutely who he is and what he does. All the phone calls in the world won't change that. Good luck to you." No conversation - you then hang up and block that number quick sharp.