Finally Got out for a night

[Kuboja]

It has been really hard living with my wife of 22 years with her PD.  I am pretty sure it is Borderpolar maybe.  She has good days where she is caring and loving.  Then she has bad days where she is screaming at me for something I did not do, but she is for certain I did it. Kicking in doors where I am tryong to get space is very common. It is something different every day/hour on those days.  Probably a mix of half good and half bad.

I am approaching retirement age and I dont feel like I should have to live like this the rest of my life.  I really feel tgat if I stay in this relationship I have a good chance of having a short life. 

In the past she has accused me of sleeping with many people, and for 22 years of marriage I ha r been faithful.  She has even accused me of sleeping with my sister and my boss.  I cannot even imagine what goes on in her head.

I left the house today and will not come home tonight.  It is very difficult reading her text going from hate to love and then to hate. 

Not sure of any resources that i can use to help me get through these times...Maybe as Max suggested the Splitting book?

[bloomie]

Kuboja - I am thankful you have reached out in the midst of what sounds like toxic and abusive behaviors. I cannot recommend enough reading through the toolbox and traits info and begin using the tools and do/don't recommendations for each trait.

I am popping in our emergency information into my post because what you describe is an atmosphere of risk. I imagine you have been marinating in it so long that it may be hard to recognize that what you describe is domestic abuse and dangerous. My heart just breaks at the thought of all you are being subjected to.

Here are our emergency links:
https://outofthefog.website/emergency

And an important assessment tool that I strongly suggest you take a look at that can help you assess the level of threat you are potentially experiencing:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

Beginning to see the abusive cycle and developing a support system for yourself where your health and safety are a priority and people listen, respond and believe you can go a long way to guiding you to your next best steps.

For me, it took a therapist who was trauma informed, every book and article and Youtube vid I could find, this community, a mentor, one trusted friend and learning about how to figure out if the behaviors I was encountering were core to my own partner and/or if there was anything that could be changed. One key factor for me was observing if these things were happening across all areas of my partner's life or mostly with me in our home.

From the little I know from what you shared, this is a volatile and threatening cycle of behaviors that is above your pay grade and mine. Don't hesitate to call emergency services for help if you need to and to contact highly trained domestic violence counselors to help guide you more specifically.

Here is an online resource where you can find additional resources:

thehotline.org

Please take a bit of time to breathe and if you can, disengage from the push/pull and get some time to think. Come back when you are able and let us know how you are doing.

[bloomie]

Me again... I want to add that you are asking important questions and doing so well to begin to develop and work toward a way of living that is not filled with the kinds of storms you are living in currently. It takes courage to reach out and begin to equip yourself like you are doing and it is empathetic and compassionate to try to understand what may be going on here and what can be done about it.

This is not your fault. A mantra that means a lot to me that I learned when I first came here to Out of the FOG is called the three C's and it says: You didn't cause it, You can't cure it and you can't control it. The only thing you can change, control, cure is you.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

[Kuboja]

Thank you so much for all the great information!  There were more incidents this morning, but I am out of the house at work now.  Will not be going home tonight as well which will be the longest I have been out.  I don't feel safe going home. 

I did take the MOSAIC and it gave me a 7 out of 10 and 167 out of 200.  I assume that is high.....

[bloomie]

I did take the MOSAIC and it gave me a 7 out of 10 and 167 out of 200.  I assume that is high.....

It seems it is. Thankful you are out of the house. I hope you have in real life support as well. Take ever so good care of yourself as you take this all one step at a time.

[Kuboja]

Going on 3rd day away from home and getting awesome support from family. 

She is trying to get me back home, saying she hurt her back and cannot get out of bed.   

Of course, it makes me want to go home and help her, but I know she will try to be nice for a couple of days, then flip back.

I told her if it is bad, she should call an ambulance, she said it was too expensive.  I assume others have had similar experiences.   I really want to stay away!

[MaxedOut]

Hi Kuboja,

Your story continues to sound similar to mine, though I did not let my family in on what was going on until the day I ended things. Having that support is great. For me it was just hotel stays. Also familiar with health issues where their only solution is me coming back/doing everything.

I think that can sometimes have conscious or subconscious manipulation involved (in addition to physical issues). Sometimes fear of abandonment and needing emotional reassurance. Sometimes just trying to get the person back and under control. Sometimes intolerable discomfort about feeling like a jerk and focusing on the unfairness and pain of being hurt (sort of a one person DARVO). And sometimes, when Axis 1 disorders are involved, the PD emotional dysregulation destabilizes more significantly and they end up injuring or purposely hurting themselves.

I'm not suggesting specific secondary motives here but was used to seeing a few of those. The return vibe varies-if it was just about control, the abuse my ex was doling out ripe to me leaving usually picked right back up with a side helping of guilt about leaving her when she needed help. If it was fear of abandonment, then she'd generally want to ignore the conflict and want reassurance and be fairly nice, sometimes for a while. If it was about shifting to from potential shame to victim, then it would be somewhere in the middle with lots of bitter reflection and making sure I knew I could not imagine how hard things were for her. That peace would typically be shorter lived as things would shift to bitterness and anger.

Sigh. You have my empathy.

[Kuboja]

Hi Maxedout,

It is actually very comforting to find someone that was in the shoes I am in.  She involved our son as well in the story.  I really do not like her doing that, but she actually has no family left alive and only one friend who does not live in state.  Of course she could get a counselor but that will not happen.

I returned home today (the longest I have been away yet, kind of proud of that but still...)  She was actually injured pretty badly it seems.  She did not eat for 3 days and blacked out injuring her right side and or back.   I gave her some pain meds to sleep.   

Of course you probably know the story....she told me she realized her mistake (when she attacked me while driving at 80mph) and said it would not happen again.  She further cleaned my office that she had totally trashed....

I am still committed to getting out, but I cannot let another human being suffer as she can actually not move very much.   If it does not get better we will go to the Doctor on Monday.... and it continues.

[Kuboja]

I have been out of the house for 5 days now.  It is great to connect with family and not be tied down without being allowed to meet with them.  Wife is roller-coastering, but the last two days she has gotten really nice.  I won't talk to her on the phone and only allow text.  I know if I go back it will just be a repeat of my last 20 years......

[bloomie]

Kuboja - a bit of space around you, like you have created, can be a great clarifier I have found. It is hard won to get it, but worth it for your own mental and emotional health given how intense this all seems. I am thankful you are able to do this for yourself right now.

[Kuboja]

Thank you bloomie!  I have been out of the house for over a week and a half.

She said that now she woke up one day last week and realized how bad she had been to me over the years.  She is also taking medication now that might help her be calm.  Asking me to move back in now and I am quite torn.  She stated that her psychologist said she did not have bi-polar or borderline at all and was just anxious.....

>Anyone else had this happen to them?  I really think I should stay away but she does seem changed... 

[1footouttadefog]

She might seemed changed and might even suddenly be all cured and normal.

That does not mean you have enough of a connection with her to continue the relationship.

Only you can decide if you can continue on or if there is anything left after so many years of abuse. 

You can want the best for some one and rejoice in their progress with out continuing to be sacrificed for it or being part of their situation.

I hope you can get to place where you have clarity regarding all decisions and next moves. 

[Kuboja]

Yes, I know you are right in my heart that she will never be completely cured.  It is hard to get away emotionally as well.   I am going to read the book splitting as I believe it might be of some use to me now.