Therapist has memory issues: need to move on, though I hate it. Advice?

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I found the "fixing" post so interesting, and plan to check in on it again to see if there are new posts.  I totally relate to it, believe me.  I was trained to be "the fixer" in my family.

One reason I'm feeling very drained is that it has come time to say farewell to my therapist. She has been a warm and witty presence in my life, and I've resisted finding someone new.  However, she has various physical issues, so many you would not believe, but the most recent is what seems to me rather rapidly advancing Alzheimer's.   I had noticed for a while that her memory was not what it used to be, but worked around it.  Then, months ago, she said she had Alzheimer's, but was taking medication and would find a therapist for her patients when the time came, that it had not come yet. So I resolved to continue, hoping she would then refer her patients to someone similar to herself. 

I only talk with her every few weeks, and am now startled each time that  we have a session.  She repeats what she says, forgets what I've said, not only from past sessions but from within current sessions.  It is very sad.  I have felt saddened by it for a long time, but now have accepted that I must move on.  I am wondering if any of you have ever been in this position?  I really don't think she realizes how bad her memory has become.

Relating this to the "fixing" topic, I think I have wanted to take care of her.  I don't remind her that she's already asked me something, or has already told me something.  She often shares little anecdotes from her life, to show how she can relate to what you're saying.  Well, I have no heard these same stories dozens of times.  Recently, she has started to embellish them. They will suddenly go off on different tangents.  The whole session, for me, has become my worries about her memory.  Friends tell me to move on, but of course "the fixer" has been reluctant to move on from someone who has troubles. 

[Rebel13]

Hi countrygirl,

I'm sorry! It must be very hard to watch your therapist struggle and decline. Even though we're "not supposed to" I think it's super common for us to be fond of our therapists. How could we not?

Here's a post I made about my search for a therapist. And here's a follow-up to it.

Regarding the relationship with your current therapist, since she has already raised the issue, maybe you could say something like, "I've so appreciated working with you. You mentioned you are having some difficulties and I've noticed them too, and I've decided it's time for me to work with someone else. I am really sorry for what you are going through and so thankful for all the help you've given me." She might even appreciate your making the move, because from my experience with a few people with dementia, it's really hard for them to have insight into how their behavior looks from the outside. It might help her realize that it's time for her to help her clients find other help, like she said she wanted to.

Best of luck with it!

[countrygirl]

Hi Rebel13,

Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful reply.  I opened both links yesterday, and of course read your suggestion for what to say to my therapist.  Thank you for taking the time and making the effort to compose that statement! 

I wanted to take some time to ponder whether I would be able to speak so openly to her.  I know for sure that it is the right way to approach this, but I will have to work up to it.  She just told me that she'd hired a live-in caretaker, because she is having some balance issues (unrelated to Alzheimer's), so my bet is that she wants to keep working in order to shoulder this new expense.  See, this illustrates why therapists usually should not involve their patients in their own personal lives.  As you wisely stated yesterday, how can we not care about our therapists. I am afraid that there has been a role reversal in my therapy, where I am holding a place for her more than she is holding a place for me.

I think the response you crafted is perfect.  It would be helpful for her to hear this.  It is a very sad situation, and I will miss her.  But the truth is that I have already been missing who she used to be. Thank you again!

[bloomie]

countrygirl - your kindness and consideration for someone who has been such a warm presence in your life is admirable. How hard to see this person struggling. 

I have a dear friend who says soothing like this: "clear communication preserves relationships". Offering gentle truth about your moving on is what kindness looks like when faced with someone who it seems is no longer able to self evaluate their ability to work with others in an extremely important and delicate role. Let us know how you are doing with all of this as you are able.

[countrygirl]

Hi Bloomie,

Thank you for your generous words and kind thoughts. 

My therapist was such a witty person, with a sort of playful and alive mind, in addition to being warm and empathic.  She was active in the arts throughout her life, acted off-Broadway; sang in a rock band on weekends.  Loved animals and advised veterinarians about how to deal with clients who were grieving their pets' death.  A very full life. 

I do think telling her is the correct thing to do. 

[mary_poppins]

Hi countrygirl.

Thing is your therapist is there for YOU and your needs and not the other way around. You are paying her for a service that sadly she can't offer now due to her diagnosis.

Feeling guilty/wanting to fix is normal-we were brought up to put other people first (our parents) to our own detriment.
Can you maybe connect to the part in you that wants to put this therapist' needs first?
Maybe you can find out why, what is this part feeling and/or trying to achieve.

You do deserve to be heard and listened to-and for the T to remember everything you have said. Right?

[Poison Ivy]

  I had a primary care provider (a physician) whom I liked a lot. A few years ago, some unusual things happened during his care for me: an inadequately performed test and lack of response from him and his office. I had to ask for a certain kind of follow-up that he or his staff should have known to do or recommend. The lapses were sufficiently concerning that I decided to get a new primary care provider. I didn't think the physician had committed malpractice or harmed me, but I regarded these lapses as possibly indicators of workplace stress or age-related decline. It seemed that the best thing for me and for him was for me to change. A few months later, even though I already had the new primary care provider, I received a letter from the physician's office, announcing his upcoming retirement. I still hope for the best for him, and I have no regrets about getting a new PCP when I did.