Loosing a PD parent

[Aliona.kuz]

Hi, I was wondering if there is someone here who can talk to me a bit about dealing with the loss of a PD parent.
I lost my father just yesterday, suddenly at 62y.o. My husband has been waiting for some big reaction, and he is so very tender with me and asks what I need. I think he projects what he would feel, but he has a loving family. Meanwhile, I had a family of two PD parents (yes, they found each other), and I honestly don't know what I feel. I know I feel devastated, and my everyday sensations are pretty numb. I also feel terrified that my mother will exploit this to pull me back into her abuse. Beyond this, I don't feel like sharp hurt, maybe because we were estranged for a few years, maybe because of shock. But I feel like there's a ball of barbed wire in my chest that I need to start untangling, and I want you to tell me how.

Thank you, sorry if it's too much.

[Rebel13]

Hi Aliona.kuz, I'm so sorry for what you are struggling with. I know others here will chime in with their thoughts and experiences, but you might want to look through the forum section "Last Days/After the Funeral" for stories that others have shared.  I also found this video really interesting -- Sheila talks about her reaction to learning her mother died, and it sounds like your experience might be something like hers.

Wishing you peace and I hope you find the help you need.

[Aliona.kuz]

Thank you so much, Rebel13! The video is not available, unfortunately, but I am reading the subforum you mentioned and feeling a bit less alone. I read all the FOG website literally, but I am relatively new to the forum, so I appreciate you taking the time to guide me a bit. Thank you so much! 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry for your loss. It is a massive change even though you and he were estranged. I cannot give advice as I still have both my uNPD parents. I do very much identify with your fear that your mother may try to exploit the situation. You are wise to be aware of that possibility. My father is terminally ill and has had various drastic health scares over the past few years. I have been (and remain) very concerned about what my mother will do once he passes. She has been bad enough as it is. In these earliest of days I think all you can do is be kind to yourself and give space to every feeling that comes up. I do not hold with the sentiment 'do not speak ill of the dead' as if their passing somehow lets them off everything they may have done. My view is that you are best off being honest with yourself. If you find yourself remembering good things or bad things, process them as you need to. I'm glad your husband is being tender.

[Liketheducks]

Aliona....I'm sorry for your loss.    I too have both parents with some flavor of NPD.   Both are elderly.   And both are estranged.   I haven't lost them here yet.   But, I've had to mourn them years ago.    I also have C-PTSD as a result of abuse and neglect from when I was a child. 

I find that when I'm in a big emotional charged life event, I do feel numb.   It takes me some time to process the situation.   My brother passed recently, and it was similar.   In the moment, I was hyper efficient.   Handling all the arrangements and supporting his family.   Then when I stepped away, was able to get regulation for my nervous system...get away from my family...I fell apart with the grief.   

You may have processed the grief already....and that is why you're not feeling it so much.   Or maybe, it will take time.   No matter what....take very good care of yourself.   Going through this with the baggage we already carry from our parents, is rough.   Get all the support you can.   Sending you hugs.

[Sojourner17]

Aliona,  my condolences on the loss of your father.  My father passed away last June.  I was estranged with him and my mom at the time.  He wasn't pd but enabled my mom.  He had suffered a stroke and passed the following day.  Due to distance I was not able to be there physically but they did hold the phone to his ear.  Once to just talk to him and the second time because they were about to initiate comfort care as the treatment administered had not produced any change in his condition.  I was at work at the time and had made my client aware of what was happening.  I occilated from tears to numbness that whole day.   My sister texted of his passing while I was driving home.  I pulled over and called my best friend.  At that point I was feeling numb.  No tears, calm. 
I wrote about my experience in the losing a parent section. 
Since that time I've had a couple of times where grief overtake me and the only words that really come out are "my dad is gone". 

For the most part I'm okay.  It does come in waves. 
Please know that whatever grief (or not grief) looks like for you it's okay.  It's okay if it doesn't look like a step by step process, it's ok if it comes in waves or stops and starts.  Take care of yourself.  Find support.Be kind and gentle with yourself and talk with your husband about what you want to do for you and your immediate family re: funeral, time with extended family, time with your other parent etc. 
wishing you all the best as you navigate through this chapter.   

[countrygirl]

Hi Aliona,

Sorry for your loss.  Losing a PD parent (and mine found each other too) is so complicated. A tangle of barbed wire, indeed.  I advise feeling what you feel, and not telling yourself that you should feel this or that at any particular time, which is true of grieving in general, but especially so when you feel a number of warring emotions at once. 

Regarding that tangle of emotions, it is a tangle, you do feel everything at once: grief, anger, confusion.  But over time the tangle will no longer be of barbed wire. Let yourself rest in that, don't feel that you must start untangling at once.

Regarding your mom, I know what you mean about fearing that she will try to pull you back into her orbit.  All you can do is resist.  I had to resist with my father. He complained to others about my not seeing him more, even though I always visited him and he never visited me; I phoned him at least once a week; I managed everything for him as his POA; etc., etc.  Unfortunately, you will have to stand up to your mom some.  But you will have your husband's love and support, so I think you will be fine.

I have found it difficult to relate to friends whose parents were warm and loving, and who grieved their deaths with simply unadulterated sorrow.  I longed to do that, but I could not deny the reality of how I was treated, by both of my parents. So I still feel sad at times, and will always feel sad that things couldn't have been different in my family.  We were, like so many here, unfortunate, in our families of origin, at least in some ways. 

May you find peace.  Congratulations on having chosen such a kind and loving partner. You did that despite your parents, and you will come out on the other side of this dark time, too.  This too shall pass.   

[Tribe16]

But I feel like there's a ball of barbed wire in my chest that I need to start untangling, and I want you to tell me how.

First I offer you my condolences - losing a parent - a good parent, a bad parent, any parent - is just plain hard.
If you are feeling numb, might I suggest that you have been grieving for a long while already? Your grief is just that - your grief. There's no right or wrong way to do grief. And if you have been grieving the loss of parental love for awhile, there's no wonder why you are feeling numb. This may be a more permanent stop on what was ambiguous before. And tears may come later after the shock wears off - or they may not. My dad passed 2 years ago this week. I haven't spoken to my mom since the night Dad passed. I lost 2 parents that night I believe. The ambiguous grief for my mother seems much more painful than the traditional grief for my father. Most days I'm not sure why that is. My dad clearly loved me much more than my mom does.

I have a girlfriend around my age, who lost her narcissistic mother late 2024. She said she cried for about a week, and then she realized she was ok and finally free from a lifetime of criticism and contempt. She said the last year she has been happier than she's ever been in her life. Everybody handles this in their own way.

I hope you find this board a soft spot to land while you explore your feelings and I hope you find help doing that here. Wishing you peace as you work through this.

[Rebel13]

Thank you so much, Rebel13! The video is not available, unfortunately,

Hi, apparently Sheila's Youtube account was hijacked, but she is back up now. Here's her video about her reaction to her mom's death. Some Endings Don't Break You -- They Clarify Everything