Worn Out and Afraid

[Exhausted_Supply]

I guess I will start out by telling you a little bit about my situation.

I'm an adult who was raised in a narcissistic family.  I'm also disabled physically and psychologically.  My father passed away years ago and my sibling discarded me when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.  My mother has narcissistic tendencies, and is the only person offline who I regularly talk to.

I'm very isolated.  Part of it has to do with illness, and part of it is me trying to avoid being hurt by people again.  I seem to attract people who are users or are cruel.  I don't feel like I can withstand any more hurtful behavior, but I am at the mercy of a mother who keeps me as her primary supply.

I have neglected my health.  Part of that is due to depression, anxiety and trauma.  Part of it is due to the fear that if I am diagnosed with something more serious than what I already have, I will be discarded by the only person in my life, who also provides me with housing.  I am exhausted from trying to manage both her and my own emotions.  I spend a lot of time reassuring her, but when I need reassurance, I get anger instead of support.

I know I need to get to the doctor, but I am fearful.  I am so broken and weak from years of trauma, depression and other illness.  Plus years of being told I'm incapable of taking care of myself, which my illnesses have confirmed.

It is only recently that I've fully realized how low my self-esteem is.  I have spent much of my life derealized, so things that would have been obvious to most people are occurring to me embarrassingly late in life.

I don't know if anyone will read this who can relate to it, but that is where I'm at right now.  I am broken.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @Exhausted_Supply

i am glad you are reaching out here for support but from what you have shared it may be a good idea to see if you can connect with some IRL supports too as you navigate the challenges you are facing both physically and emotionally

one of the reasons I stayed with my ex as long as I did was bc I thought if I didn't have the little financial support he was able to share with me I would be alone and end up homeless.

I found a therapist that helped me make an exit plan and worked on my budget so by the time it was time to finally break up/ separate I was able to fully navigate my financial challenges with zero help from him.  at times I was even SAVING money because he wasn't leeching it from me.

a resource for you may be here if you are in the states
https://www.napsa-now.org/help-in-your-area/

in my state adult protective services helps adults over the age of 18 and not just elderly / seniors, that may be another resource for you to get some additional help

if you can get your living situation more stable it may be easier/ safer to work on those relationships that brought you here

take care and keep us updated

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry that you feel stuck in your current situation with your mother. I am the child of two narcissistic parents  and I know just how hard these waters can be to navigate. Fortunately for me I was able to get the heck out physically as soon as I was old enough to leave home, but emotionally took way, way longer since I did not even start to recognise the problem until my mid 40s.

Please don't shame yourself for not realising the issues you face sooner. Many of us don't. We were brought up to believe our families were normal and how would we know otherwise? If your FOO was anything like mine you would also have been kept away from too much experience of what a normal family might look like, and forbidden from talking about your own family life all that much (except in glowing terms) so there would likely have been very little opportunity to see clearly what was going on.

I hope you can get the medical help you need and that you can find a way to start dealing with the other issues. Your position may be stronger than you think. For example I am not so sure your mother would be quick to abandon her primary source of supply, whatever she may threaten.

Wishing you well.

[Exhausted_Supply]

welcome to the group @Exhausted_Supply

i am glad you are reaching out here for support but from what you have shared it may be a good idea to see if you can connect with some IRL supports too as you navigate the challenges you are facing both physically and emotionally

one of the reasons I stayed with my ex as long as I did was bc I thought if I didn't have the little financial support he was able to share with me I would be alone and end up homeless.

I found a therapist that helped me make an exit plan and worked on my budget so by the time it was time to finally break up/ separate I was able to fully navigate my financial challenges with zero help from him.  at times I was even SAVING money because he wasn't leeching it from me.

a resource for you may be here if you are in the states
https://www.napsa-now.org/help-in-your-area/

in my state adult protective services helps adults over the age of 18 and not just elderly / seniors, that may be another resource for you to get some additional help

if you can get your living situation more stable it may be easier/ safer to work on those relationships that brought you here

take care and keep us updated

Thank you.  I'm still trying to figure out what to do at this point.  It's overwhelming.

[Exhausted_Supply]

I'm so sorry that you feel stuck in your current situation with your mother. I am the child of two narcissistic parents  and I know just how hard these waters can be to navigate. Fortunately for me I was able to get the heck out physically as soon as I was old enough to leave home, but emotionally took way, way longer since I did not even start to recognise the problem until my mid 40s.

Please don't shame yourself for not realising the issues you face sooner. Many of us don't. We were brought up to believe our families were normal and how would we know otherwise? If your FOO was anything like mine you would also have been kept away from too much experience of what a normal family might look like, and forbidden from talking about your own family life all that much (except in glowing terms) so there would likely have been very little opportunity to see clearly what was going on.

I hope you can get the medical help you need and that you can find a way to start dealing with the other issues. Your position may be stronger than you think. For example I am not so sure your mother would be quick to abandon her primary source of supply, whatever she may threaten.

Wishing you well.

Thank you.  My mother has definitely made it difficult for me to get the sort of help that could illuminate her failings and cause me to want to leave.  The counseling I have had has been of limited value, and it's only recently that I realized why.  I have trauma, and they were not trauma-informed, so they did not know what to do with me.  I didn't know.  When I was in school, trauma was something soldiers came home with, not something a person got from having parents like mine.  But all of the signs are there.