Dealing with NPD SIL - and grieving possible loss of relationship with my brothe

[Vonny]

Hi everyone, I am grateful for this community.  My brother married a NPD with a terrible temper and a superiority complex, who seems to have been working very hard to divide our family.  They've been married a bit over20 years and have 2 kids.  We have 3 kids and our youngest went through a very rebellious phase a few years ago.  During this time they were in her ear, talking very negatively about our family and how we were likely the cause of all her problems, and that she should live with them.  The phrase "You belong with us" has been used apparently.  Our daughter has done so well, and we are a very close and supportive family, even though we are undoubtedly not perfect as no one is. But, she is very close with us and is doing so, so well.   Since this time my sister in law seems to target our daughter with special affection, speaking secretly to her and the content is often still very disparaging towards our family.  This puts our daughter in such a difficult position!  Thankfully, she shares her interactions with my sister in law with us which is great.  Our niece got married on the weekend, and our oldest son announced his engagement earlier in the week.  Our daughter had a terrible time at the wedding as unbeknownst to me, my SIL and her kids were following her around, making very disparaging comments about her brother's fiancé and her other brothers girlfriend, asking "What the f*&k is wrong with those girls" (the rest of our family absolutely loves them, by the way), asking "What is REALLY going on here?", asking if the girls were autistic etc.  I'm shocked about this behaviour and my son is devastated and doesn't want them at the engagement.  Our daughter just walked away from them and feels like she needs to cut ties, but she has had a very close relationship with their oldest child.  Neither do I, but I love my brother and he looks so shut down and like a shell of who he used to be.  We used to be so close.  This is so hard.    It seems their kids are turning into narcs as well - superiority, low empathy, constantly criticising others etc.  But my brother never used to be like this. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[bloomie]

Vonny - Welcome! What a terrible atmosphere you describe these family members creating around them. I can only imagine that your dear son must be reeling from the targeting and cruelty of the comments that have been made about his fiancé. 

Your daughter sounds very wise in recognizing the destructive and ugly nature of the words and behaviors of these people who seem to be doing their level best to 'win' her as some kind of twisted validation of them.

Your son also seems to very wise in wanting to protect his future wife from people who have shown unprovoked animosity and disrespect toward her and all of you. My heart goes out to your daughter in law to be as this has to be so unsettling for her. Your family's response to this behavior toward her is very important in building a future sense of safety for her within your family of choice dynamic.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Grieve the loss of your brother. Acknowledge he has chosen passivity and to become a shadow of himself. Your brother has all of the resources available to him the rest of us do to stand up in the middle of his own life and do something about the bullying, divisive and disordered behaviors in his family members.

Prioritize and support your family of choice first. Support the very healthy and empowered desire to have nothing to do with these folks that your son and daughter have voiced. Stand with them and validate that this not something they caused or can in any way mitigate.

I can't help but think what a powerhouse of a family you must have built for such attempts to undermine and devalue those within it. One of our own family mantras that I will pass along: "We Don't Let Mean Win"

Choose to refuse to let this awfulness be a specter over your joy of your son's engagement and your daughter doing so very well!!! And be gentle with yourself as you go forward. This kind of loss.. through estrangement is so very hard and I am so sad you are facing this.

If you are able, come back and let us know how you all are doing!