So confused

[Mermaidsdaughter78]

OK guys so my dad died on Wednesday and honestly, I thought I would feel more grief than this. I don't know if I am just in shock or if I am just completely relieved that he can never reject or emotionally abuse me again.

 My husband, Kids, and I went across the country to visit him in February and he refused to see me. it broke my heart, and I went very low contact after that, blocking him from being able to contact me on my phone as well as my stepmother.

 So on Thursday, I got the news that he had died from my stepmother who was angry with me that I had blocked him and her what's weird is that nobody on my dad side of the family has reached out to give me any condolences. I have not been invited or asked to help with any preparations for him. I have not been told if there is a funeral and I have no idea if I will inherit anything.

I tried so hard, my whole life to be in his life and to spend time with him and to include him with my children and he refused over and over or would stand me up or reject me and it was so painful. I guess what's blowing my mind right now is nobody cares at all that I just lost my father. Nobody on my dad's side of the family thinks to reach out to me. They are all with my stepmother, consoling her, going through his things, making preparations and its as if I've never been born, has anyone else had this experience? (I am his only
Child.)

[countrygirl]

Hi Mermaidsdaughter,

My condolences on your father's passing, and on how you are being treated.  The people who are being cold to you have no understanding of how an adult child may have tried to have a good relationship with a difficult parent, and how they may have had to withdraw in order to survive.

It amazes me how people can judge others without bothering to see things from that person's side.  It is a failure of empathy. 

You were treated badly by your father, and now are being treated badly by your stepmother and by your father's relatives.  My father also treated me badly, and about two weeks after his funeral, a rather obnoxious second cousin of his told me all of these lies my father had told her about me.  In the lies, he had completely turned around everything that he'd done to me, in order to make me look like the one who was to blame!  So, I was left with knowing that he'd lied about me, in addition to all of the times he'd mistreated me. I set her straight, but I don't know if she believed me, and it doesn't really matter. But he did manage to hurt me again, even after death, so to speak. 

Having a parent reject you is so painful, and when that parent dies, you are left with the memories  of that rejection.  In my case, anger battled with grief.  But others SHOULD treat you with sympathy, because, as you noted, you have just lost your parent.  Just because you created necessary distance--based solely upon how HE treated you--doesn't mean that you didn't love him, that you didn't try and that you aren't grieving him.  This is a lot for you to carry.  My deepest sympathy. Those who love you know the truth.

[xredshoesx]

I am so sorry for your loss, @Mermaidsdaughter78

i'm pretty sure my experience will be something similar when my biological mother passes eventually and i'm not sure how to prepare myself for that 'final shunning' that you've described.

I hope you are finding some peace in knowing you did what you could earlier this year to make amends, and that you find comfort and strength in your DH and kids as you come to terms with how you are being treated. 

[bloomie]

Mermaidsdaughter78 - I care! I know it is not the same as family reaching out, but I do! And I am heartbroken for you as I read this:

I tried so hard, my whole life to be in his life and to spend time with him and to include him with my children and he refused over and over or would stand me up or reject me and it was so painful. I guess what's blowing my mind right now is nobody cares at all that I just lost my father. Nobody on my dad's side of the family thinks to reach out to me. They are all with my stepmother, consoling her, going through his things, making preparations and its as if I've never been born, has anyone else had this experience? (I am his only
Child.)

This is deep, deep stuff and I am in awe of you for sharing it with us and for the self knowing you show in what has to be such a difficult time.

Here is what stands out to me and what I honor... that you, a precious human being with precious family and a heart to connect with a father with a long history of rejecting you and not showing up for you, who has once again broken your heart, have loved long and well. Do what you need to do to take whatever amount of time and space you need to process through this and surround yourself with those who truly love you. There is beauty in your loyalty and love, because it is profoundly meaningful.