Friend causing me a lot of grief

[Adria]

This summer we planned on going back to hometown for a month to decide whether or not we want to move back.  Left because of a wide spread smear campaign by my family. I'm the scapegoat.  It's been 20 years.

However, upon a couple short trips back for a couple funerals, my best friend from high school has been very disrespectful toward me.  She has been crippled some by a disease and seems to have become jealous of the friendships I have with some of the other girl's in the group, as she always reigned over everyone, but now is kind of left behind a little because she has a hard time walking and doing things. Not because we have left her out at all.

Anyway, I've been kind of pulling away so she can't hurt me, and now she is smearing me among the other women in the group.

When we go to hometown, we usually get together with all of our friends numerous times, however, I am contemplating walking away from the whole group because of the things she is saying about me because I quit entertaining her disrespectful behavior.

We have also decided that we will not be moving back because of the damage she seems to be inflicting.  I don't need to walk back into another smear campaign, plus I think she has become friends with my narc sister who has done most of the damage in my life. She always said how evil my sister is. She seems to enjoy reminding me how she is friends with all my cousins, aunts, etc. that have hurt me tremendously, sends me pictures of them at parties that I think she gets off facebook, trolled my son who has been very ill for years to the point of him having to shut down his facebook (who knows what she was looking for there ) feels like she's rubbing my nose in the fact that she sees my cousins and I don't.  She also seems to like to always drag me back into my past by saying things like, "Ya know, your sister is telling everyone you have mental problems. Oops, didn't know if I should tell you that." 

I've put up with it for a long time on and off just trying to keep the peace so I can stay friends with everyone else there, but I'm getting really stressed out about going up there again because of her. Dh wants to go, says it will be our last time. He has work and things he needs to take care of there.

Anyway, I don't know how to handle it.  I can suck it up one more time just so I can see everyone else, or just walk away and let it all go. I've made good friends where I live now. I guess it bothers me because they are the last connection I have in my hometown and it is sad to see it slipping away over someone's jealousy. But, I don't think confronting her would do much good. It would giver her more ammunition and she would probably just gaslight me.

I was really looking forward to seeing my other friends this summer, but I've heard things she's been saying, trying to put a wedge between all of us.  I'm just not up for the drama and trying to defend myself anymore.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry you are going through this, Adria. Smear campaigns are so difficult to deal with, and you have had those more than once, it seems. It must be particularly hurtful to experience this with your friend group, since these are the people you would normally go to for support and to be yourself, especially after being treated badly by your family. There is something about old friendships as well, that feels different from other friends you might have made over the years. I am sorry.

I was thinking, do you have any idea how this 'friend's' attempts at badmouthing you are received from the rest of the group? Could it be that people see through her? Would you trust some people in the wider group more than others so as to cultivate a relationship with them separately? If these people have no sense of separate identity and individuality outside of the group, they might not want to disturb the 'balance' and will pretend everything is fine, just like in a dysfunctional family system. But perhaps they are not like that and there are relationships to be salvaged here.

[countrygirl]

Hi Adria,

I am sorry that you've had to endure so much.  I think that one reason is that you "escaped."  I'm glad you're not moving back there.  I bet that a number of people there wish they could move away.  I can't stand the way that such clumps of people tend to operate with a "hive mind." 

Walking on broken glass has a good idea about whether there might be individuals with whom you can remain in touch.  But I think she's also correct to worry that the whole group might operate like a dysfunctional family, so that you can't have separate relationships.

If you have to go back for a while, because of things your husband  has to tie up, I would keep my distance as much as possible.  Or if you have to get together with them at some point, keep things as light as possible and have a pre-arranged reason to leave early.  In other words, protect yourself as much as possible.

We were considering moving back to my small hometown--it is why I took the user name here of "country girl," which I wish I could change!  At any rate, one reason we decided against it is the whole hive mind thing.  I really do feel that you are resented for escaping and then they have to prove that you really aren't "all that." 

It sounds to me as if your hateful friend has been soured by her disease--I have my own issues, and know how it weighs on you--but that does not mean that you have to be subjected to her bitterness, especially since you had to face an earlier smear campaign.  Avoid her as much as possible.  I'm glad you have found new friends.  If you decide to move someplace other than your hometown, I think you will find new friends there. These issues in your hometown have to do with those groups of people, not with you.   

[moglow]

Adria, if I may, look at the group. I'm also wondering if there are friendships here to be salvaged, if not cherished. What is their response to you overall, and how do they handle her comments? Also is she making just an aside to you or spouting it down the table for all to hear? I can see where they would not want a group pile-on and public frou frou but when she makes comments, do the others appear avid for the confrontation or tight lips looking away? See where I'm going - does she have the power with these friends or is she just a bully that can be ignored? Is she *with this group* on tolerance, where they can't shut her down but neither is she encouraged.

Sometimes what I have to remember, what others think of me is none of my business. Just because she says things doesn't make it true. Frankly it's cruel to single you out in that way, particularly on sporadic visits, like she's looking for a reaction and not providing support. How about a well placed freeze out look, while you turn away and speak with the others, show her it's petty and not worthy of your response.

I have/had a group of high school friends who gathered for beach weekends, short trips etc. I wasn't in a stable financial place, so rarely went but I might meet them for dinner now and then. A couple of them with their rants and very ugly enjoyment of gossip really put me off, ladies I used to really care for. They were open about it to, no vicious whispers. It was a situation where you just knew when you left the room you were the next target. 

I stopped seeing them as a group, would see this or that one and kept in touch otherwise. One of them passed away a few years ago, and the gatherings fell apart completely. Loud and overbearing as she was with her views, it was tolerated because of shared history. The rest of us keep in contact sporadically and it's completely different now.

Maybe decide if those friendships are meaningful for you and respond accordingly. Don't let one person destroy them. 

[moglow]

On further thought, is it possible that next time you could appear to snap over her comments with well placed "Stacy please! Is there a point here?? We're all aware of what's been said by my mother/sister and I'm tired of hearing about it. Can we not just enjoy this time together??" And refuse to entertain anything she says afterwards. Freeze her out and continue pleasantly with the others. The others may just want you to step up and refuse to put up with it anymore. They could be at a loss what to do/not do and waiting for cues.

[Adria]

Hi everyone,

I sure do appreciate you hopping on and sharing your thoughts. 

I didn't go into a lot of detail, but this has been going on for a long time, her not returning my calls, texts, etc., but always wanting to know what is going on in my life.  I married a guy from high school that she is very jealous of as well.  I had no idea until we got married, but whenever we get together, she always asks if my dh is coming, and I say he doesn't want to sit and listen to a bunch of girl talk, so he made other plans.  So, I've come to the conclusion that I think she is very jealous of my marriage and my life, what I do, etc.  I would have never expected that from her as we grew up in the same kind of home and were always there for each other. I guess I wanted to think we had a life long mutual understanding. 

I did talk to one of the other girls in the group a couple months ago and laid it out, because I got so tired of pretending everything was fine.  The other girl acted supportive of me and offered a few words about with this girl has done to her as well. However, there are others in the group that I've heard she's said things to and they questioned me in a place where I couldn't say anything, so just made an excuse and walked away.

My dh says most people don't think much of her and the way she conducts herself.  But, she still is the ring leader of the group and holds a lot of clout with them.  I live across the country, rarely have contact with most of them, so she definitely has the upper hand in this situation. 

I hate stressing out about this for weeks before we go.  However, I feel she is painting me in a bad light ahead of time, so I will look questionable when I come into town. It sounds like she is playing off all the things my family said in their smear campaign, so I fear it will double down on the things already said which may make what she's saying seem more believable  .

[moglow]

Maybe a well placed head tilt, smile and a little laugh with "Really?" Or "okay then" as you continue other conversation. It may be she was always this way but with years and distance it became more obvious, now can't be unseen. I know it did with one old friend of mine. 

Idea: When you're going to be there, contact one of the others you feel more affinity with. You've been thinking about her, etc. Ask if "they'd/the girls" like to get together for brunch, lunch, whatever. The old friend doesn't own you or your time and doesn't have to approve your choices. She also doesn't have to arrange gatherings for you.

[Adria]

Moglow,

You said, "It may be she was always this way but with years and distance it became more obvious, now can't be unseen. I know it did with one old friend of mine."

You are probably right. Dh said the same thing. I guess maybe I thought we were better friends. However, dh said, she just used you to get to the right people.  Maybe I was blind, and like you said with years and distance it just became more obvious.

I like your suggestions. I can do that.  I don't want to confront her, not good at that sort of thing, and I will always come out looking like a monkey. You are right, she doesn't own me or my time. I don't think I'm going to let her arrange anymore gatherings for me.  Maybe, I will text everyone and say we are going to be at such and such place tonight if you want to come. That way she is not in charge.  Gosh!  It seems like so much energy put into someone who I should probably just walk away from.  

[moglow]

Adria, I suspect like me you were always expected to answer for your choices,  explain and justify yourself. That's hard to undo, even when we know it's no longer needed.

And your so called friend? Sounds like she needs a lesson or two in good manners. Life will be sour at times, we don't have to be sour with it.

[Adria]

Moglow,

Yes, I was always expected to explain and justify my choices.  Sure sticks with ya, doesn't it.  I was even watching some Jerry Wise today to try to understand why I let someone like her get into my head so much. I've never been allowed to stick up for myself without it being turned against me, so I would sooner just walk than confront someone. A lot cleaner.

She could definitely use a lesson in manners.  I just have to work out the next few months and then after that, I will probably let her go for good. I will never understand why people play these high school games, especially at our age.  Seems like there would be better things to do.