Hoovering

[walking on broken glass]

I stopped talking to my mum in August. After my aunt's latest aggressive and unstable email, I didn't receive any more communication from anyone in the family. They are blocked everywhere but they can email or send a letter. I had the feeling they wouldn't let go and was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, my mum today messaged my friend and begged her to tell her whether I was well. My friend replied that I am well, that she talks to me often and that she hopes she is well too. My mum then thanked her and that was the end of the conversation.

I got really sad and upset when my friend told me. I can believe that my mum is worried about me but it is not on me to assuage her anxiety. They can simply not accept that I chose to cut off contact with them. I did consider sending the letter I wrote to her but then I thought why should I be pressured to get in touch just because she cannot handle it? I didn't want to send the letter before; the only reason I considered it now is because of her message to my friend. But she doesn't do this out of a lack of understanding as to what happened, that my letter will somehow illuminate. She wilfully chooses to misunderstand me and ignore my wishes.

I think I will simply keep to my silence.

[Rebel13]

That sounds like a good decision to me. After I stopped communicating with my mom, she sent a few cards and maybe one text, and then that tapered off. I don't know if she is asking my brother about me; he hasn't said anything about it, so maybe my decision to stop participating in her triangulating communication has gotten through to him. Or maybe she is just not asking. After all, I was the "broken coffeemaker" so to speak. 

I think because we are sincere people, we assume others are sincere in their communications as well. In some cases, though, people do this kind of hoovering because they think they should, or because they think it makes them look good, rather than out of a genuine desire to connect. I don't know if this is your mom's situation, but presumably she knows that she could write you with an apology for the things she said about you and your partner, and that you would accept it. But for whatever reason she is choosing not to do that.

I hope it doesn't keep you up at night.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Rebel.
I have been quite upset. I hate feeling that I make someone suffer. I know it's not exactly my fault, because my mum brought this on herself but my mind immediately goes to 'am I overreacting?' Surely though, deep down, she knows why I am not in touch with her, so the worry is just a cover for control? Or maybe she does think that my partner keeps me prisoner or something and she is genuinely worried. But that's her fantasy, and I can't deal with - or, better, I am done dealing with - fantasies.

I am glad my friend told her that we speak regularly because it will show her I am not cut off from the world, as they all like to think.

Edit to add: I have blocked my mum everywhere but she can reach me by email or write a letter. Is it possible that she wants to apologize but cannot reach me? I somehow doubt it but my aunt claimed this in one of her emails (well, she wrote 'how do you expect your mum to apologize to you if you don't answer the phone? At any rate, I can tell you that she is sorry if she hurt you', so a conditional 'apology'). Also, I can't imagine what kind of apology she would offer that would fix what she caused. I don't think I can unhear what I heard.

[NarcKiddo]

No, it is not on you to assuage her anxiety. If she is anything like my mother she cannot sit and process a difficult emotion and will therefore do anything to make it go away. That's on her. You've said she can reach you by email or letter, so she can perfectly well apologise that way if she is so minded. Saying she is sorry to your aunt just sounds like her playing the victim.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Narckiddo.
I am a bit annoyed with my friend and I am not sure if/how I should express it to her. We talked a bit more about this and she said that she wanted to ask my input first before she replied but then my mum sent a second message and she thought she was genuinely worried about me, so she felt she had to reply without waiting for my input (so my mum's manipulation actually worked). She then told me that her last message to my mum was 'I hope things turn out the best way possible' which to me sounds like she is sitting on a fence, not taking any sides. I wasn't expecting her to say anything pointed to my mum of course, but she could end with 'I hope you are well too'. I just felt that her need for my mum to think well of her was greater than the consideration of my own feelings.

This came at the heels of another conversation I had with her about this matter which was not very satisfying. She herself is at the process of estrangement from her mum and is going through a very difficult phase in her life just now, so I would expect her to be better attuned to my feelings. But in a conversation we had she compared her mum to my mum, professed that her mum is worse because she is a nasty person, while mine is just brainwashed by my sister. I found the comparison pointless and frustrating. It's almost as if she were saying you don't have the right to be quite as upset with your mum as I do.

These two conversations combined have left me feeling invalidated. I wonder how I can delicately broach the subject with her or perhaps she doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to understand just now? Should I just ask her not to respond to my mum if she messages her again and leave it at that?

I have noticed that the friends I have from my country of origin have trouble understanding my perspective because of the dominant cultural paradigm that 'family is everything'. They do love me and they do support me but they don't quite seem to get it. It's very disappointing. I had higher hopes with this friend because we have always shared our family histories and she has been supportive but even she has blind spots.

[NarcKiddo]

Your assessment that your friend does not have the emotional bandwidth sounds right to me. As she is herself going through an estrangement it seems to me that the kindest thing for both of you is for you simply to ask that she does not respond to your mother again. Or maybe agree a one sentence reply, along the lines of "WOBG has requested I do not communicate with you." And then she does not respond to any further message.

I'm sorry you feel invalidated. Your mother is clearly adept at manipulating. From an outside position I agree your friend was sitting on the fence but it doesn't read to me like her primary desire was for your mother to think well of her, regardless of your feelings. I think perhaps she was just trying to find a polite way to end the conversation.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks narckiddo.
I had a chat with my friend and asked her to be more blunt and shut down my mum's questions if she messages her again. She admitted that she panicked and then felt sorry for my mum, and her first impulse was to try to reassure her. I explained that what my mom is doing is not okay, because she's putting pressure on me and using her to get validation. I asked her how she would feel in my place, if her mum had reached out to me to find out about her, and she said 'I would be outraged and I would want you to block her'.

I think she understood a bit better where I am coming from after our conversation and will be more cautious in the future.

[Rebel13]

Oh, that's great! It sounds like a very productive conversation. I love it when that happens.

[walking on broken glass]

More news.
I got a notification today that my aunt has sent me ANOTHER parcel. Who knows what fresh horrors it will contain.

I messaged my friend (the one I mentioned above) to tell her about my aunt and the parcel, she responded in a sympathetic way. I mentioned I was worried there might be letters in the parcel and she said 'maybe you should write to them to explain you don't want to be in touch' and then she said 'maybe it will just be an Easter card with wishes, which could be a nice gesture, even though your aunt did rage at you in her last email'. A nice gesture!!!

She went on to write 'your mum got in touch with me again the other day. I didn't tell you because I was not in a good place and I didn't feel like talking about 'mums'. But I responded in the way we agreed.' She also wrote 'I get her anxiety but this is getting extreme.'

We had this exchange just before I was going to class so I told her I would respond to her later but in all honesty I don't know how to respond. I am so angry with her! Her messages were so tone deaf. I understand she is going through a hard time herself and she does not have the bandwidth to deal with my family issues too. But she could have given me a heads up that my mum messaged her again. And grouping the two subjects into one (the mums) and saying she does not want to talk about it, is so selfish and insensitive. When she wanted to talk to me about her mum, I was there and I listened. And I followed up and showed care and concern because this is what friends do. And this was not even about me talking to her! All she had to do was send a message to let me know. And the rest of her messages show me that she does not really get how I feel and think about this at all.

I feel so hurt and disappointed. I don't even know what my mum asked her and how exactly she replied. And I don't trust that her reply would be what we had discussed. I am thinking of a way to reply to her that is empathetic but shows that I am not happy with how she handled the situation. On the other hand, maybe she is incapable of taking in my perspective just now and if I get into this, I will get more hurt and disappointed.

What do you guys think?

[moglow]

@walking on broken glass, as long as your friend is willing to talk with your mother, there's not a whole lot to be done. It's her choice. Best you can do there is tell her, if those calls are too much for her she can put a stop to them. She could tell your mother she's not willing to be in the middle and ask her to not contact her anymore or if need be she can block your mother. We can't realistically tell others what to say or not say, and honestly I wouldn't want to. Other than a simple, wobg is doing well and I hope you are also, there's nothing to be said. Maybe consider telling your friend to please not tell you if/when she hears from your mother going forward - there's nothing to be served by that information really. It all becomes a whole lot of she said/she said and does nothing more than agitate you further. 

I can appreciate that your friend was honest about not wanting to talk about mothers in that moment. She knew her own limits and respected them. It wasn't a reflection on you but honoring herself. I'm sure there are or will be times when she wants to get into it and you're just not up to it either - and that's okay. Sometimes we all need a step back and away to regroup.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Moglow.
I know I can't make my friend act the way I want. I was disappointed because we have the kind of relationship where she would listen to how I feel and what I want from her, and that would inform her actions.
I had asked her back when my mum first got in touch, if my mum writes to her again, to reply in a way that does not invite further enquiries and shows that she is on my side (something subtle like yes of course X is well) and she had agreed. I had also suggested to her to block my mum but she said she didn't want to do that yet. I had invited her to think how she would like me to react if the tables were turned, and she had said she would be very angry if I were in touch with her mum and she would want me to block her. So there is a bit of a blind spot there for her, in that she doesn't see there is a mismatch between what she wants of me and how she acts.

In the end things turned out ok, even though we had a rather difficult conversation. It turned out that she replied to my mum very politely again to reassure her I am well, so not as we had agreed, and when I asked her to please block her, she said she didn't feel comfortable to do that, and that she discussed it with her husband who said to her 'she shouldn't take sides'. I was very candid with her and told her that my mum's behaviour has been very hurtful to me and that when she maintains a correspondence with my mum, it makes me feel that she doesn't understand that and that she puts my mum's good opinion of her above my feelings. I said you are not my mum's friend, you are my friend, why shouldn't you take sides? And by keeping a correspondence with her you are basically taking her side.

After that my friend replied in a very apologetic way, said I was completely right, and she realises that she shouldn't have been worrying about my mum's reaction but she should have thought of me first. She blocked my mum and said she was truly sorry again and was angry with herself for repeating old patterns, and behaving according to how she was conditioned to be 'a good girl'. I was so relieved she responded in this way and so grateful she could see my side. It's also a weight off my shoulders that my mum won't have this avenue anymore. I really value my friendship with this person and she is one of the few people I could talk to about this, so I am so glad she was able to really listen and take in my perspective.

[NarcKiddo]

I said you are not my mum's friend, you are my friend, why shouldn't you take sides? And by keeping a correspondence with her you are basically taking her side.

Precisely. I am glad she saw your point of view and agreed with it.

[Rebel13]

I really value my friendship with this person and she is one of the few people I could talk to about this, so I am so glad she was able to really listen and take in my perspective.

I'm so glad to hear this! These kinds of friends are so rare and important. I'm glad she turned out to actually be one, and not just a pretender. I hope you both can keep relying on each other for support in these situations in the future.

[moglow]

I'm glad y'all talked it out! That's an incredibly awkward position to be in for both of you, her maybe thinking she should "respect her elders" but not wanting to betray your trust in any way. And I'd bet that's exactly why your mother tried to go through her - your mother *knew* what she was doing! I hate it when they try to play divide and conquer, use other people against us. Mine did it for years and destroyed some relationships in the process - they never saw her other -real- side in action. They just saw the superficial charm and thought I was being unreasonable.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Narckiddo, Rebel and Moglow
One thing that struck me was that my mum messaged my friend only two weeks after she had first been in touch with her, repeating her first enquiry 'please tell me how WOBG is'. I wonder if this is manipulation, putting pressure on my friend and me, since she couldn't have been agonising over my health in the course of just two weeks! Or could it be that she is losing it and didn't remember when she messaged? The latter does stress me a bit and makes me feel guilty.

[walking on broken glass]

Well I was wondering about how my mum might escalate and here it is: she sent me an email.

I had preemptively blocked her email but my stupid computer decided to show it to me in my inbox before moving it to the bin. She was saying 'my dear WOBG, I hope you (plural) are well. All I want to know is that you are well and healthy.' This from the person who accused both me and my partner of wanting to steal the family's money and of lots of other horrific things. Her selective memory and her inability to show accountability do not surprise me but they infuriate me nonetheless.

I am hesitating between keeping my silence or writing back to explicitly say to her 'I don't want to be in touch with you because of how you behaved' and list what she has done. I think the latter impulse will go away when reason prevails because I know that she is very well aware of why I am not in touch and that it's not a matter of understanding. It just grates me that she plays the innocent victim, conveniently ignoring her actions. She is just a distraught mother 🙄

[JLS]

Hi Walking on broken glass. I also had my mother blocked on everything and when I didn't respond she did the same thing as yours.  She messaged my husband, claiming that she was deeply concerned and wanted to know I was ok.  Exact same thing.

I recently started therapy and it has given me so much insight.  This behaviour is manipulation.  It's about control.  Your mother knows your friend will show you the message and it's designed to pull you into line to do what she wants, which is resume contact.

I know it tugs at the heart strings and brings on the guilt, it's suppose to, that's manipulation.  The best thing your friend can do is not respond.

If you start to see everything is about control, it all starts to make sense.  If you write back anything it doesn't matter, she won't be able to see your side.  She will simply change the narrative to what suits her.  The only thing to do is to work on your own healing.