MIL throwing a temper tantrum but also depressed, not sure what to do

[Silentlywaiting]

I grew up with an undiagnosed NPD. I was the scapegoat and severely abused and neglected.
My husband was also raised by his disordered mother. Until recently I saw some behaviors but none as unhinged as I've seen in my family.
Recently MIL started claiming I pushed her. I was stunned because I've never been anything but kind to her. I'm neurodivergent and not a touchy Feely person. I did hug her. So when she started accusing me of pushing her I was hurt and confused.
I didnt get clarification until last weekend. Apparently my directing her gently but physically out of my way was pushing her. In my defense I was getting chemotherapy and it was hot, she was standing in the doorway of our car while I was trying to get out. I know she was excited to see us but I wasn't feeling the best and the heat makes me very ill without getting the chemo. So I simply putting my hand on her back and gently guided her towards the house while saying, " let's go inside it's hot out."
This has resulted in her claiming I've pushed her for the last few months. The situation happened last year, so for this to start just like three or four months ago, well it was confusing.
At Xmas she sent me a card claiming she loved me and she knows I have a good heart. Then February it started all again. The visit before the last visit, even though I made a measured effort to make sure I didn't have any perfumed stuff on including deodorant, she started claiming I was causing her to have a headache. My husband even told her it was him that has the deodorant on, but she just kept blaming me.
Then she started with the dont push me thing again when I hugged her.
When we left I got into an argument with my husband that he need to firmly but politely stick up for me and tell her to stop, that I had already apologized for the incident and thought it was over.
Last visit, was awful she spent the entire time my husband was making the repair she needed complaining to me about how awful she's treated by everyone. She complained for hours about her ex husband. She also claimed all she ever wanted was for someone to love her for who she is, because she had such a beautiful body thats all anyone ever loved her for. It was all doom and gloom. I kept going outside to see if husband needed help.
When husband was done he said we should leave. I told him that I thought it would be rude to leave before dinner because she had cooked for us. We told her we needed to leave pretty soon as I have a foster kitten that was sick and he needed care.
So she puts on a movie, claims dinner wasn't done and then kept us hostage for another hour before she finally said dinner was done.
When we finally went to leave husband says to her, " Thanks Mom for not bringing up the pushing thing." I got upset, I know I shouldn't have but I made it a point not to get close to her physically, not to hug her, not to engage in the drama she started and I told him so then. I said I literally didn't hug her or get close to her, so she couldn't say that. She then claims, I pushed her when I took her to buy her a new refrigerator. She claims her mom and Aunt both pushed her the same way. Which upset me because she claims they were both extremely abusive.
When she started that I told her I wasnt them and all I've ever done was try to be kind and loving to her.
The next day husband and I were talking and I told him I was done. I was done with the drama. He got upset with me and thought I was telling him to yell at his Mom. I got upset because I was confused why he was upset with me. During this he sent her a message and said we would be reducing the visits, that though he understood what she was saying he doesn't agree, that I'm his wife and he supports me. That I felt like she was trying to make me a bad guy out of no where even though I've been the one to push for visits and bought her a refrigerator.
I appreciate him standing up for me though I never meant for him to say that.
Now the drama has ramped up. Mothers day is coming up and we always do something for her. We were talking about it and he said he'd like to get her flowers. She's told us many times she doesn't like flowers but would prefer a plant. So I messaged her and asked if she had a specific kinda rare plant. She sent me a message back and said no and she's not interested. So I suggested he give his sister some money to take her to dinner because she normally does that with MIL for mothers day. Hubby sent sister the money, which was sent back shortly. Apparently MIL doesn't want anything to do with SIL or her family. Hubby saying we would be reducing visits means we're not going out to see her at all.
Should I have just sucked it up and kept my mouth shut? I feel awful because I never meant for this to happen and I'm worried she may try to hurt herself now because she stated many times she depressed during this last visit. I don't understand the drama she's started or why she's accused me of pushing her like I meant to hurt her.

[bloomie]

Silentlywaiting - I am just appalled at the turn of events you and your husband are dealing with with your mil. I am so sorry for the stress and confusion this has to be bringing to your lives at a time you are fighting (chemotherapy) for your health! 

Part of learning to come Out of the FOG for me has been to figure out what I am aligning with and make sure it is consistent with my values and beliefs and reality.

So, if you just 'sucked it up and kept my mouth shut' you could be aligning with ridiculous, untrue accusations against you by staying silent and accommodating outrageous behaviors toward you.

We have a mantra here that you might already be aware of called the 3 C's rule that says something like: "I didn't cause this, I can't cure this, and I can't control this."

You didn't cause whatever is activating this behavior from your mil. You and your dear husband also cannot control it, but you are controlling what is yours and this is your time, energy, attention and financial offerings to someone who does not seem to be able to manage her behaviors toward you, respect your time and appreciate your generosity.

Your husband did something really great in setting straightforward, kind, honest limits with his mother. If your mil ends up spending Mother's Day alone because it seems she may be alienating her adult children and their family that is sad, but it is 100% on her.

Side note... since when do we tell people what they can/cannot gift us and then when asked for a preference we refuse the gift altogether like your mil has done? Yikes!!!

My guess... this mil has been a handful for a very long time. Far before you ever came into the picture.

[Silentlywaiting]

Silentlywaiting - I am just appalled at the turn of events you and your husband are dealing with with your mil. I am so sorry for the stress and confusion this has to be bringing to your lives at a time you are fighting (chemotherapy) for your health! 

Part of learning to come Out of the FOG for me has been to figure out what I am aligning with and make sure it is consistent with my values and beliefs and reality.

So, if you just 'sucked it up and kept my mouth shut' you could be aligning with ridiculous, untrue accusations against you by staying silent and accommodating outrageous behaviors toward you.

We have a mantra here that you might already be aware of called the 3 C's rule that says something like: "I didn't cause this, I can't cure this, and I can't control this."

You didn't cause whatever is activating this behavior from your mil. You and your dear husband also cannot control it, but you are controlling what is yours and this is your time, energy, attention and financial offerings to someone who does not seem to be able to manage her behaviors toward you, respect your time and appreciate your generosity.

Your husband did something really great in setting straightforward, kind, honest limits with his mother. If your mil ends up spending Mother's Day alone because it seems she may be alienating her adult children and their family that is sad, but it is 100% on her.

Side note... since when do we tell people what they can/cannot gift us and then when asked for a preference we refuse the gift altogether like your mil has done? Yikes!!!

My guess... this mil has been a handful for a very long time. Far before you ever came into the picture.

You're absolutely correct when I asked my husband if she's done this before he said many times.
I think I know why she's done this. My father was a child predator. He was caught once in a very long time ago. Though he never touched me he had a friend that did. I have also seen what damage is done to someone wrongly accused too.
She has accused almost every person in her family of being child predators including  two of her sons. One definitely has issues that have been caused by her verbal and emotional abuse but he isn't a child predator.
So basically one day she calls us and asks us to go see her brother. He had cut her off at least 20 years ago after she wrongly accused him of being a CP. On the way there she says she saw him sliding the baby down his chest to his stomach, not his private area, his stomach, and that was him being inappropriate with the baby. On the way back, she claimed her sister told her he was a CP.
When we met him he was stage 4 cancer and we spent some time with him. He told us that he had to remove her from his life because of the things she said. He said he forgave her and in case he died, wanted her to know he loved her.
He unfortunately passed away suddenly due to an infection. We went to his sons wedding a few weeks after he passed away, she was there playing the loving aunt and heartbroken sister.
So the day she claims I pushed her, she had said he was a child predator again. I told her to stop, that she said he wasn't and he wasn't alive to defend himself. That it's wrong for so many reasons to wrongly claim someone is a CP.

I just finished my chemotherapy last month and I won't do it again. She claimed this last visit she went to the ER for pelvic pain and though they wouldn't tell her, she has cancer.
She refuses to see anyone to get the proper care to see if she actually has cancer and just says her life is awful and she isn't going to do anything.
It was very frustrating for me. As the cancer I have has a very high likelihood of coming back. I had horrific pain and the chemotherapy even though it was low dose, I had to do it for a year and it was awful. I've lost several friends and family members to cancer. I truly love her, she can be a kind and caring person. I dont want to see her go through that if she has it but more than likely it's attention seeking behavior.

[Rebel13]

Hi Silentlywaiting,

I'm really sorry things continue to be dramatic with your husband's mother. Unfortunately, if my experience is anything to go by, these people usually do not improve. If they do change, it's usually not in a productive direction. It sounds like your MIL might be ramping things up with her dramatic behavior, for reasons known only to her. (Or maybe not. I'm not positive PDs always know why they do the things they do.)

It's completely up to you, of course, but it sounds like it might be time for you to take another step back from the situation. For example, I think your decision not to hug or touch your MIL in light of her accusations of you "pushing" her was very smart and self protective! Of course, if you continue that, at some point she'll probably accuse you of "not loving her" or something because you "never hug or show affection" to her. All you can do is decide what feels right to you and stick with that until something changes for you, if it does. You get to protect yourself from abuse and gaslighting.

Another example is the Mother's Day gift. Of course it was so kind of you to try to help your husband sort that out. But if I had been in your shoes, with how she's been treating you, I might have tried to stay out of that more. For example, letting your husband make the decisions and do the communicating, and maybe just sharing the cost with him as a way of showing your support.

I'm sorry your experience with cancer has been so difficult. I'm a cancer survivor too, and I totally understand why you would want to support your MIL in getting help for any health problems, especially one you share and have experience with. In a normal relationship that would make perfect sense. But disordered people know how to twist and manipulate until the rest of us are tied up in knots trying to figure out how to make things work and keep them happy. They make it difficult if not impossible to help them. And it's really OK to focus on you and your health, and taking care of your husband and child/ren.

Wishing you all the best!

[Silentlywaiting]

Hi Silentlywaiting,

I'm really sorry things continue to be dramatic with your husband's mother. Unfortunately, if my experience is anything to go by, these people usually do not improve. If they do change, it's usually not in a productive direction. It sounds like your MIL might be ramping things up with her dramatic behavior, for reasons known only to her. (Or maybe not. I'm not positive PDs always know why they do the things they do.)

It's completely up to you, of course, but it sounds like it might be time for you to take another step back from the situation. For example, I think your decision not to hug or touch your MIL in light of her accusations of you "pushing" her was very smart and self protective! Of course, if you continue that, at some point she'll probably accuse you of "not loving her" or something because you "never hug or show affection" to her. All you can do is decide what feels right to you and stick with that until something changes for you, if it does. You get to protect yourself from abuse and gaslighting.

Another example is the Mother's Day gift. Of course it was so kind of you to try to help your husband sort that out. But if I had been in your shoes, with how she's been treating you, I might have tried to stay out of that more. For example, letting your husband make the decisions and do the communicating, and maybe just sharing the cost with him as a way of showing your support.

I'm sorry your experience with cancer has been so difficult. I'm a cancer survivor too, and I totally understand why you would want to support your MIL in getting help for any health problems, especially one you share and have experience with. In a normal relationship that would make perfect sense. But disordered people know how to twist and manipulate until the rest of us are tied up in knots trying to figure out how to make things work and keep them happy. They make it difficult if not impossible to help them. And it's really OK to focus on you and your health, and taking care of your husband and child/ren.

Wishing you all the best!

Thank you sorry for taking so long to reply.
The issue is Im not so sure that's what she was told. I have family in medicine, so I called and asked if they would tell her that in the ER. I was informed no, they will refer you to a specialist not tell you, you potentially have a malignancy. As those of us have been through it know the pcp refers you out abs then after testing you get told you have cancer.
I'm feeling like she may be attention seeking, which she's known for.
I'm going to keep my distance like I've been doing. It sucks and hurts that I thought I had a mother in law that loved and valued me. Maybe she does, maybe me calling her out on her behavior made her mask fall off. I dont know, so I'll do what I can to protect myself and my husband. Im actually proud of him for standing up for me.
Wanted to add, my husband and I don't have children except for the furry ones lol.

[Rebel13]

The issue is Im not so sure that's what she was told. I have family in medicine, so I called and asked if they would tell her that in the ER. I was informed no, they will refer you to a specialist not tell you, you potentially have a malignancy. As those of us have been through it know the pcp refers you out abs then after testing you get told you have cancer.

Oh, yes, she absolutely would not get a serious cancer diagnosis in the ER. For crying out loud. My mother has used things like this for attention for a long time -- a "possible breast lump, it could be cancer!" It wasn't. Some kind of abdominal problem -- also not cancer, also never brought up again. I do not at all mean to minimize serious health problems, but maybe wait until you have evidence they are serious before you freak out and go all dramatic on everyone??!?!  Am I right?!?!?!

In the meantime the rest of us have to stay as calm and detached as we possibly can, and not get sucked into the drama.

It sounds like you are doing a great job taking care of yourself!