A note from my MIL

[Call Me Cordelia]

So I've actually been sitting on this one for several weeks. Not really on purpose but... more just life and I haven't really wanted to spend time on this and so it was easy just not to!

My MIL wrote me a note. It said (paraphrased): "I'm sorry for anything I may have done to hurt you. I would like to start over. You're in control of how I get to interact with your family." It wasn't much longer than that, though a bit fluffier in tone.

I have been NC with this entitled woman for... 8 years? She's never been at all respectful of me, and this note was after a very direct statement from my husband that no, mom, you are the reason my wife won't talk to you. So nice try, MiL, I know this is you digging deep, this doesn't fix anything and I'm just not gonna play. Nice that she finally acknowledges I am the the gatekeeper to my kids lol.

I do think I am going to send a note back though, saying something to the effect of I forgive you but I am not interested in starting over with you. That trust is broken for good.

Both for myself to be kind and direct and also as a tactical move. My SIL's visit is coming up soon, and I haven't seen her since I went NC either. My SIL was not abusive to me, but she was young and very much under the thumb of her parents. Her visit is more about an opportunity to establish our own relationship with her, which had never really had a fair chance before. If there's an answer from me to MIL on the record so to speak, everyone else can take that get out of drama free card if they so choose. I know this may not work out that way, but I'm doing my best to keep things clean. I could just continue to not respond, and that's fine with me really, and how I have handled every other intrusion, but writing just that much is honest at least and I'm comfortable with other family members seeing it. All I'm saying is nothing new here as far as you're concerned, MIL.

[Poison Ivy]

I think your plan is a good one.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well, I went ahead and sent that note because it has been subtly in the back of my mind for weeks after all and I felt right about that. Kind as I could be but still direct and honest. But as soon as it was gone, I remembered. Mother's Day is this weekend. Crap. She's had this thing about how I only sent her a Mother's Day card once and how hurtful that is. (Her own son never sent them, but whatever.) Unfortunate timing. But kind of proves my point that the trust is so gone.

[mustard_seed]

Ugh the fauxpology in her note. "Anything I may have done to hurt you" does not identify specific actions or words that she has reflected on that did in fact hurt you. How generous and gracious of you to say that you forgive her anyway. Just wow these people never reflect on or take responsibility for their hurtful behaviors.

I think it's a kindness to send that note -- it's clear and direct.

Hope your visit with SIL goes well and no more drama comes your way in the meantime.

[walking on broken glass]

You handled this with kindness and empathy, Cordelia. Well done. Whatever feelings she has about Mother's Day is her own problem and not your concern. I hope the visit with your SIL goes well!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you. If I had remembered about Mother's Day I would have sat on it a couple more days, because I am not trying to hurt her after all. Oh well. I have my own baggage about Mother's Day too. But yes, "starting over" with a person who can't take any meaningful responsibility is just Groundhog Day. 

[Rebel13]

Ugh the fauxpology in her note. "Anything I may have done to hurt you"

 

It's so frustrating. She really cannot think of even one obnoxious hurtful thing she said or did, even a minor one? Even one she doesn't really feel bad about? To demonstrate that she has thought about the situation AT ALL?

Those statements are so clearly a sop. Just throwing something at the wall and hoping it sticks so they can get back to the business of controlling and dominating everyone around them. I know you are far too savvy to ever fall for that, Cordelia, but thanks for sharing the example and your response so the rest of us get a reminder that we don't have to swallow this kind of stuff and be "nice" for the sake of keeping the peace. Also that real forgiveness doesn't mean we have to resume the relationship.

[moglow]

[because I didn't sleep well and mothers day looms before us...] 

Let's see: She reached out with I. I.I. me. I. What I want. What I expect. Fauxpology for "everything" while being completely unaccountable for the unspecified any of it. And closes with the statement that you are in control.

That about cover it? Yes, you are in complete control of her interactions with you, and by extension your family. Because simply: Did she ask about you? Did she address anything specific between you, that she wishes she had never said / done abc and xyz, would like to try and explain herself regarding lmnop so you can find common ground? Did she indicate she wants to talk it over with a better relationship in mind? No ma'am, my guess is, she wants to start with very aka clean slate with norntion of the very things that got you where you are with her. 

And yes, I'd absolutely want to respond with, I forgave you a long time ago and I'm not interested in "starting over." - If for no other reason than to let her know you received her note, so she can't pretend otherwise. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Haha Mo you summed up my unsent letter for me. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

She very clearly just wants access to my husband and kids. I have never been a real person to her and that very obviously hasn't changed, because as Mo points out she only writes about herself except to throw me that bone about control. As she's asking for a relationship.  She tried to get to our teen son via the internet and he didn't bite. Obviously I'm controlling him, so she has to get there through me. I let SIL in and we're starting over with her so she should get the same opportunity, right? Ha! My husband hasn't cut her off but the boundaried relationship he's established where he doesn't share about his family life has never been accepted. With her it's all or nothing. As you say, Rebel, the only way she is happy in relationships is when she's controlling and dominating.

 

Some of the anger is catching up to me today. After a lifetime of being treated like dirt by parents and in-laws I am just bone-deep sick and tired of the fact that the abuse still lurks around trying to get me to accept it again, and that I am still picking up the pieces for myself. My body has kept the score and I'm still hurting.

[bloomie]

Some of the anger is catching up to me today. After a lifetime of being treated like dirt by parents and in-laws I am just bone-deep sick and tired of the fact that the abuse still lurks around trying to get me to accept it again, and that I am still picking up the pieces for myself. My body has kept the score and I'm still hurting.

I have sat here with this text box open just trying to find a way to convey how sad, sorry, angry, frustrated... all of it... I feel with you and for you.

This person is not safe for anyone, and in my own opinion was assuming she could piggy back onto you and your DH's willingness to gingerly connect with your sil. Slide into your life with a misting of poo pourri over her stinkin' behaviors over years! 

You are a savvy, wise, inspirational Queen!!! What a master class in how to respond with clarity, dignity and self respect in two sentences!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you, Bloomie. Just feeling understood means so much here.