Considering What No Contact Looks Like for Me

[amb13026]

Hello,
   This is my first time posting on this site. Please bear with me. The last two weeks have been a real watershed when it comes to separating from my PD Parent. Disclaimers: I'm in therapy. Have a good support system outside of my family. I'm just left reeling a little bit about what I need my life to look like. My PD Mom has also been a heavy drinker since I was a kid (think wine in a travel mug at softball games/ switching from white to red before 5 pm). As an adult, that situation has not improved. I've spend the last five years with major family drama for my wedding, baby shower, and every holiday and I've reached my limit.

  I have a two year old son and I have been unable to allow my parents to babysit because my mom will not stay sober while doing so. A boundary I explicitly set with her that she claims not to remember. In the last few weeks it came to light that my mother ( a CPA) made some major mistakes with my taxes (old mistakes that were just discovered, she hasn't done my taxes since my child was born). It has resulted in two weeks of drama. She has left voice mails and text messages and even sent me a two page letter. The communications vacillate between mean and sad. All of them demand a conversation. None of them include an acknowledgement of wrong-doing.

    My family is very enmeshed. I have an elderly grandparent who lives next door to me. My parents live down the street. I'm not sure how to establish a boundary in this environment that protects me and my family from this chaos. But I'm also not sure if that perception is because I'm still in the thick of things and can't see it clearly. Any advice would be appreciated. 


   

[Rebel13]

Hi amb! Your situation sounds super difficult and stressful. I'm so sorry!

I agree with your insight that it's very hard to see things clearly -- and certainly to try to heal -- when you are still in the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. You don't say much about that but if you're like me you are feeling some or all of those things when struggling with family interactions.

I would suggest reading the article on boundaries in the Toolbox section of the site, as a good place to start. For most of my life I misunderstood boundaries, thinking I had to tell other people how they could treat me and then figure out how to make them do it -- impossible with these types of people! The article will help you to think about what you are willing to accept in your relationships and what you aren't, what you will do if (when, ha ha) your family members exhibit bad behavior, how much contact you want to have, etc. Once you decide those things, you can then act on them, whether your family members "behave themselves" or not. You can see how that works for you and then make changes when and if you need to.

Good luck to you and please update us when you can, if you would like.

[bloomie]

Adding another warm welcome, amb13026! I am thankful you reached out and it sounds like you are building a support system around your self with therapy as well. Bravo!

Disordered behaviors coinciding with alcoholism in your mother is a complex and troubling combination. I can only imagine the roller coaster ride growing up has been for you.

For me, motherhood brought great clarity and clear priorities with my own parents. You protecting your little one from someone who cannot stay sober caring for them is so important. The other piece, is the atmosphere you describe in your greater family culture and the inability to take responsibility for herself that your mother has shown.

The stress and angst of the never ending drama train takes a toll on you and by extension drains your much needed energy and focus from your own family that you have built.

There are options that many of us here have used when things have spun so much out of control with our parents' behaviors and choices. Some choose to take a break, some choose to limit exposure in many different ways and to learn new language and vocabulary around how/if to communicate the necessary pull back.

We have some great book recommendations found here: https://outofthefog.website/books-pd-parents

I found several of them a great help and encouragement when I found I needed to shift the dynamics in my own relationships with my parents. There are great conversations taking place on the boards which are filled with insights and wisdom in how others have handled challenges.

Keep coming back as you are able. It helps to lighten a heavy load!

[Liketheducks]

Welcome....and also sorry you are in this situation with your family.   My mom used to live WITH us.   We were also utterly enmeshed until I started seeing her toxic coping mechanisms.   You're not alone.

[moglow]

I hate that you even have to draw that line - to spell it out for them that her drinking is a problem and you have the only solution workable for your family. To me/is it's simple: She wants to babysit, have time with your grandchildren? Don't drink. She has all the other hours and days in the week for that. I understand that you dared voice the elephant in the room and that's not done, but there it is. It's not safe for them - a drunk person is unstable and undependable, not where you want vulnerable children to be. That's not unreasonable, it's fact. 

If they want to support her in that, fine, she can be drunk at their house. If they feel they have to choose sides and "but she's our daughter", NOT fine but they get to make that decision. 

So, boundary: You and your family won't be around her drinking or drunk. She can absolutely choose to drink in her own home, and you can choose to not be there for it. When she starts you go home, period, regardless of the situation. You don't let her -and her chaos- in yours. To me that's absolutely reasonable. I'm sure to her (them?) it's not. I hope it doesn't mean you have to have no contact with all of them, but she may bully them into it. 

Remember always, all of the adults have choices to make. Your children don't. They need us to provide safety and stability; if that's not possible where they are we have to make other arrangements.

[Sunflower79]

Hi, Amb,

I'm really proud of you for doing this hard work- for little you and for your little one.  This isn't easy but I believe in you. You can do this.

<3, Sunflower