Raised in the FOG, left last year

[discalced-diapason]

Hello everyone. I'm not entirely sure where to start, but I guess starting with being raised by a mother who took personal offense when I asked a question about something she didn't know the answer to starting when I was just 3 and mocking and humiliating me into silence with "help, I'm talking and I can't shut up!" is a good start.

For many reasons, I was living with her until last year, when I ended up having a dissociative fugue state after leaving that house and having even more childhood trauma break out just weeks after leaving. The strange thing the mind does when it feels safe enough to finally show you behind the curtain, even if you are homeless and living in your car at the time. I guess it's pretty telling that I felt safer in that condition than I did living with her, and the brother living across the street who tormented and tortured me when I was a kid.

I'm in the middle of writing a book about that dissociative fugue state and the procedures and values that I fell back on when I couldn't even remember my name or how I got to where I was in that moment, and how I've finally found enough worth in leaning into my duty to my own safety first and using lessons learned the hard way in aviation to help me find enough courage to make a very difficult 911 call and handoff myself to emergency services when I was hundreds of miles away from anyone I knew and there were very convincing voices in my head telling me that doing so would mean certain disaster and handing myself off to be killed.

To say the least, it was a horrifying experience, but even in all of that, it was, up until now, the best year that I've had, if only not being under constant surveillance and having to manage a  nasty narcissist with a growing drinking problem. I'm looking to connect with others who have had to make drastic changes and are now in the process of rebuilding their lives.

[bloomie]

discalced-diapason - welcome to Out of the FOG. I apologize for the late response to your intro post. What courage it showed to reach out for the help you needed after a lifetime of suffering in your family of origin. The difference you are experiencing after a year in the safety you have gained for yourself is profound to read.

I look forward to hearing more of your healing journey as you settle in.

[Invisiblewoman]

Hey discalced-diapason,

I would be interested in your book. I remember having a terrible panic attack as a child and my mother becoming so aggressive, that she encouraged her son to physically attack me, for telling a teacher I was having a bad day.

I will never understand their ability to be so self centred and cruel. There are other family as well that partook in the denial of the abuse, and the scapegoating of me. There are other family that have similar behaviours as my mom and brother, and I have stepped away as a result of their behaviour.

I want to write a book as well but struggle with the fear of them coming back into my life, or using it as way to gain control over me again.