Fixing

[Rebel13]

I recently had the insight that my impulses towards "fixing" behaviors -- giving unsolicited advice, etc. -- stem from a fear that if person X continues on their current course, I'll be stuck cleaning up the mess. I'll be stuck with it, of course, because I am terrible at setting/maintaining boundaries and limits, saying NO, etc.

Can anyone relate?

I'm working on reminding myself that I'm not responsible for anyone else, no matter what. If someone asks for my help, I can decide when, how, in what way, and how much energy to devote. Including saying, kindly, I'm sorry, best of luck with that.

[GoodPesto]

Hi Rebel13,

big (wanna be) fixer on this side of the screen. I've been unlearning the reflex to offer solutions or help, often enough at my cost, for a while now. It's been an interesting journey. In my case this behaviour was also connected to a pretty horrible sense of self-worth. It was as if my existence was only justified when I was making myself useful for others. And it could be seen as working for love, too. Open gate to being exploited, I am so glad I am not there anymore.
Thanks for the reminder of non-responsibilty for others.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, I relate to what both of you are saying very much. I was in a place of hypervigilance because it would be my responsibility to clean up the mess but I would be blamed for their mess too! I quit ballet as a kid. My mother would get McDonald's on the way every week because she claimed there was no time for anything else but she was gaining weight and both the fast food and the lessons were money spent on me. So I solved the problem for her. I really liked ballet.

[NarcKiddo]

When I was a kid it was my responsibility to make sure the mess didn't happen in the first place. I wasn't allowed to clean it up, just observe the horror and take the blame.

Interestingly, I absolutely hate it when people try to fix things for me! These days I try to remember that when the fixing urge rises, and try to think about what I would want someone to do for or say to me in those circumstances. Although part of my problem with people trying to fix things for me is that I was required to blindly obey my mother, who was also a fixer but had horrible ideas of how things should be fixed. So my immediate reaction to other people's kindly advice is that I am going to be forced to follow it.

It's really a monstrous mess when you think about it!

[walking on broken glass]

Oh yeah I relate to that too. Not being responsible for fixing things is also a great reminder to have while I am training to be a therapist!

[bloomie]

What a great discussion, @Rebel13 ! I am wondering about the response inside or outside of you when you see the very likely end result of the course someone is on, offer advice, and they don't take it?

My experience is that likely most of us here on the boards are highly empathetic and discerning. Often, Sentinels by nurture and nature. The ability to 'see' and the drive to understand others and to protect them and ourselves from avoidable negative outcomes is based in love, fear, frustration and so much more.

I am wondering how we find balance in this? When is it wisdom that we offer others versus fixing?

[GoodPesto]

That's a good question bloomie. Below a few aspects that came to mind to differentiate the two.



fixing                                                  ---------------              wisdom



assuming to know what's probably best                                             assuming to have insights
urge to convince                                                                  urge to speak from the heart
attachment to outcome                                                             no attachment to a specific outcome
a lot of energy spent to solve the problem                                        shared at (almost) no energetic cost
feels like a duty                                                                 feels warming
                                 

[Rebel13]

I love that compare-and-contrast list, GoodPesto! It rings true for me based on what I have been struggling with, with a friend.

bloomie, I've been working on this in the situation with my friend for a while! At first, I was super frustrated. I just didn't understand why my friend wasn't doing (what seemed to me) simple things that would help with problems she complained about. I vented a lot to my partner. My therapist said, "It's her journey, not yours" and I worked for a long time on letting go. I set some boundaries (without saying anything) -- stopped offering suggestions and started using medium chill/"cool-bummer-wow" in response to complaints, stopped investing as much time in communication and pulled back so the relationship felt more balanced to me. Like so many things for me, this was a situation where "walking the talk" or going through the motions ultimately resulted in the actions feeling more authentic even though they didn't at first. I feel much more like the "wisdom" column in GoodPesto's post -- I speak for myself, try to relate from my own experience, try to feel compassion for how it might feel to be this friend. I reassure myself that I don't have to fix anything, and if my friend has a crisis, I can help in ways that are possible for me and say "no" kindly when that's in my best interest.

I love the insights you all have shared:

wobg: The other day my therapist said to me, when I was late for a session, "I know your being late doesn't have anything to do with me." (Where's that head-exploding emoji?) Therapists have to have amazing boundaries.

NarcKiddo: "mom was a fixer but had horrible ideas about how things should be fixed" -- oh my gosh mine too! I also hate getting "fixing" advice and I SO don't want to be that person, as much as I believe I "only want to help" when I do it.

Cordelia: getting blamed for the mess and then being expected to fix it -- I'm so sorry you gave up ballet to "take care of" your mom. Peanut butter sandwiches and apples exist, am I right? Are you still carrying blame for old things that were never your fault? How do you notice/recognize when/if you are taking on unnecessary blame in the present?

GoodPesto: "my existence was only justified when I was making myself useful for others" -- struggling SO MUCH with this right now, especially at work and with regard to the place/meaning of work in my life (I read your post about your work situation, wow!). I have been SO ANGRY at my boss (who is, objectively, terrible, but my anger is way out of proportion) because I have been trying to get direction about what is wanted, so I can provide it and thereby get approval. Trying to detach my sense of self-worth from my work performance.

Thanks you all, this is all so helpful.

[xredshoesx]

i'm 100% at the junction of the 'fixer' issued with a mega side of having to ask other people for help because of a medical issue I am going through.....

my current trigger is a coworker who I like as person but not as a coworker bc they are messy in their behavior as well as  exhibiting  disordered behaviors that I had to be the fixer of in my mother. I find my boundaries have limited us to talk about non work shared interests and had to literally turn on a heel and walk away earlier this week bc of an interaction bc of a schedule change.

I needed to see this today.  the person who wants everything there way but never offers up a plan will be able to have it ALL THEIR WAY after my medical starts next month.... cheers to them bc it won't be my mess to fix!

[countrygirl]

This is a fascinating topic, and everyone's replies are so interesting.  It seems that many of us are "catchers in the rye."  I know I am.  Here, I just deleted paragraphs about my latest issue with this.  Suffice it to say, just yesterday I gave too much and it drained me.  I need to have friends who meet me, in a normal give and take, not this vampiric drain. Actually, just thinking about it tires me. 

 

[bloomie]

@GoodPesto what a helpful side by side! Thank you! I am grateful to be living a reasonable amount of time out of the fixing side, but then I read this....

the person who wants everything there way but never offers up a plan

Oh. MY!!!! 🤯 So well put! Exactly this type of behavior in a person has almost, almost... been the undoing of me!!

[bloomie]

bloomie, I've been working on this in the situation with my friend for a while! At first, I was super frustrated. I just didn't understand why my friend wasn't doing (what seemed to me) simple things that would help with problems she complained about. I vented a lot to my partner. My therapist said, "It's her journey, not yours" and I worked for a long time on letting go. I set some boundaries (without saying anything) -- stopped offering suggestions and started using medium chill/"cool-bummer-wow" in response to complaints, stopped investing as much time in communication and pulled back so the relationship felt more balanced to me. Like so many things for me, this was a situation where "walking the talk" or going through the motions ultimately resulted in the actions feeling more authentic even though they didn't at first. I feel much more like the "wisdom" column in GoodPesto's post -- I speak for myself, try to relate from my own experience, try to feel compassion for how it might feel to be this friend. I reassure myself that I don't have to fix anything, and if my friend has a crisis, I can help in ways that are possible for me and say "no" kindly when that's in my best interest.

This is practical and so helpful and healthy!

[walking on broken glass]

That's a good question bloomie. Below a few aspects that came to mind to differentiate the two.



fixing                                                  ---------------              wisdom



assuming to know what's probably best                                             assuming to have insights
urge to convince                                                                  urge to speak from the heart
attachment to outcome                                                             no attachment to a specific outcome
a lot of energy spent to solve the problem                                        shared at (almost) no energetic cost
feels like a duty                                                                 feels warming
                                 

That's such a great reminder for me, as I am dealing with a friend's problems just now and I noticed I started leaning to the left handside!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

The most helpful guidelines I've heard came from Alanon.  Something like "Don't prevent a problem which is the natural consequence of others' behavior, and don't cause one that wouldn't be."