Dream

[walking on broken glass]

I just wanted to share a dream I had last night that left me quite sad and upset.

I was at school and I had a younger sister with me (I don't have a younger sister in reality). We were waiting for my dad to finish work. My sister was getting impatient and went in to get my dad but he wasn't available. I felt sorry for her and consoled her. I thought 'she doesn't know yet that she will constantly be disappointed'. Eventually my dad came out and he was surrounded by lots of people as if he were famous. My sister ran towards him and he hugged her. I watched their embrace and felt so happy for her, that she was loved and reassured.

I guess it's pretty obvious that the younger sister in the dream is my younger self. I woke up and I was filled with sadness and grief. In real life, I find it hard to show myself this level of compassion and care that I experienced extending to my younger self in the dream. I also realized that I carry so much grief that I try to repress during the day.

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe you could think about ways you could show compassion and care to your younger self now? She's still there and she's never going to get love and reassurance from your dad, but she can get it from you. I'm not sure if you have had much exposure to inner child work and if you have not then I realise this all sounds a bit weird (to say the least!). It took me a long time to accept the child aspect of myself and to start nurturing her but once I did, things got generally easier. Even though you say you have difficultly showing yourself compassion and care, maybe that is because you are approaching yourself as an adult. If you can find some feeling for the younger you perhaps you will find it more comfortable to do some self-care that way.

[walking on broken glass]

Maybe you could think about ways you could show compassion and care to your younger self now?

Silly question but how do I do that? Is it just a matter of imagining myself as a little girl and talking to myself accordingly?

[Rebel13]

Hi wobg! What an insightful if difficult dream. It's not a silly question at all. I think this about so many "answers" out there which, to me, are super vague and don't contain the kind of practical advice I need to implement them.

I have been working on this issue in therapy. My therapist uses expressive arts therapy so one exercise she suggested was finding an old family photo and digitally extracting myself from it. This was INCREDIBLY freeing, visually and physically peeling my family members away from little self.  (Others who don't do digital stuff can make a copy of a photo and cut it up with scissors or even make a drawing of the little self or whatever strikes your fancy.)

Then I put digital little me in a safe, comforting background. I've been keeping that image nearby and looking at it often, but honestly, I didn't get too far until I stood up for myself a couple times recently in real life. A few days after that, something happened that made me realize that the little me was trusting the grownup me to take care of her/me/us. I have let her down and abandoned her/me so many times throughout my life, and that broke the trust. I'm trying not to abandon myself anymore, although I know I won't be perfect at it!

While this was going on I also did some self-compassion meditation using the Insight Timer app and I took the free compassion course from the Global Compassion Coalition. I struggle with these types of exercises; they make me feel silly and I often don't notice changes right away. But to some extent maybe just going through the motions helps on some level? For me with this stuff, a lot has seemed to happen under the surface, like maybe it is for you too, since it is coming out in dreams. Maybe the dream is one result of sending the letter to your mom? Like, look, little wobg, I'm not going to let them treat me like this anymore?

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe you could think about ways you could show compassion and care to your younger self now?

Silly question but how do I do that? Is it just a matter of imagining myself as a little girl and talking to myself accordingly?

Not at all a silly question. I struggled with this and I think it likely works a bit differently for everyone. The first time I felt I got through to my younger self was when I woke in the middle of the night and started crying. There was no obvious reason (possibly a bad dream I did not recall) and I was not going through any sort of life crisis. I'd worked through the concept of an inner child with my therapist enough that I realised this was likely a child part of me so I just tried different approaches of talking to myself to see what helped. I started with 'tell me what's wrong' which made the crying worse. Then I tried something like 'is there any way I can help' which didn't help but didn't make it worse. Eventually I just tried saying 'it's ok, you're a good girl' and hugging my arms round myself and that calmed the crying quickly.

Like Rebel13 things have got easier since I have been able to stand up for myself and the world has not ended. Especially saying 'no' to my mother over a few things where child me would have been forced to capitulate. When I go to visit my mother I say to myself on the way there 'it's ok, you don't have to come on this visit if you don't want to'. If I find myself feeling a bit uncomfortable or emotionally charged I will sometimes try holding a cuddly toy (if opportunity allows) and that can help. Doing art helps and I have tried some art therapy on my own and then discussing it with my therapist (who is not an art therapist but happy to discuss). There is a particular children's TV program I like and instead of telling myself I am too old for it I spend ten minutes most days watching an episode. It's a gentle program that my mother would have mocked me for liking and I get so much out of that ten minutes now.

The process feels very weird and stilted at first (at least it did for me). Maybe think about things you enjoyed as a child (or wanted to try but were not allowed) and see how you feel if you try them now. You just have to be curious about your emotions and reactions to whatever you try and be guided by that.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much for your responses, Rebel and Narckiddo. They are so helpful. I haven't tried anything like that before but I might need it at this stage of my life.

[mustard_seed]

I agree it's probably different for everyone, doing this inner child work. Maybe try some different tools and see how you respond to them.

I learned a "dialogue journal" tool from an online course in self-trust that helped me a lot. You can use pen + paper or a blank word document, and you write a dialogue between your inner child and your inner adult/parent. Often I would find myself as the "inner parent" just listening to my younger self, which filled me with a sense of relief. I think the "inner child" feels heard, seen, validated and that in itself can be healing, even without taking further action.

I have a few photos of myself at younger ages I keep around -- one in my photo album on my phone, a few in a bookshelf in my office. Just seeing my younger self in her innocence brings this feeling of self-compassion.

Hope you're able to find the tools that work for you, wobg. It sounds like a very difficult dream, but maybe it is providing a way for you to visualize and experience that care that you so desperately needed, if that makes sense.

[Rebel13]

I learned a "dialogue journal" tool from an online course in self-trust that helped me a lot. You can use pen + paper or a blank word document, and you write a dialogue between your inner child and your inner adult/parent. Often I would find myself as the "inner parent" just listening to my younger self, which filled me with a sense of relief. I think the "inner child" feels heard, seen, validated and that in itself can be healing, even without taking further action. 

This is so true! I have done this a few times and sometimes gotten really interesting results -- information/perspectives that I did not know!

I think I too often jump to trying to talk the inner kid out of her feelings, or generically soothe her. But she knows talk is cheap. She can tell if I am really listening in an open way vs only because I want her to shut up. She can also tell when I take action on my own behalf instead of expecting me/her to put up with more crap from people.

[walking on broken glass]

I think I tend to either be hard on myself ('what is wrong with you? Why can't you just do x,y?') or feel sorry for myself but without having anything useful or soothing to offer. I find it difficult to extend to myself the kindness that I show others. I am mostly impatient and fed up with my inner child and wish she would just stop having needs and regrets and desires.

I find it difficult just now balancing job applications (all unsuccessful so far), the counselling training, and my long overdue book, which I feel I will never finish – all of that at the backdrop of the family estrangement. I just wish I could comparmentalize and get on with everything with zero emotional reactions. I suspect this might be the root of the problem: not knowing how to be kind to myself.

[Rebel13]

It's so true WOBG! I have spent so much time over my life trying to talk myself out of my feelings, or criticize/shame myself for them. If that's what we were taught, then that's all we know. It seems normal! And it takes a while to unlearn, in my experience. Not that I don't still do it. But I do it less now. It's a process.

Two years ago when I started trauma therapy the best I could do was talk to myself like I do my dog -- "Good job!" "Good girl!" Whenever I felt shame or the inner critic started up, I said, out loud if I was by myself, "You did a good job with that." Even if I didn't believe it in my heart.

Then I just kept trying different things -- thinking about my ex-friend's daughter, L, who I adored, and how would I talk to her if she were feeling bad? Would I ever say the mean things my inner critic said to me? Of course not!

Then I tried looking at the picture of me when I was about L's age and telling "that person" (me) what I would say to L, or feeling the same compassion for the person in the picture that I had for L. Because we really were no different -- both little girls trying to do our best in a big world, with mean, critical parents.

If you keep trying things, I think you'll find a way in. There's no right way and no magic button and no one-size-fits-all. It's whatever works for you.

[Adria]

Walking On Broken Glass,

I think you might find that you will start having more dreams now that you wrote the letter.  Your subconscious is finally going to feel like it has the space to start processing things since you have made your goodbye.  Welcome the dreams and the thoughts even though some may be disconcerting.  It is all part of the healing process to help you put things in place emotionally that you tried to cover up and deny and didn't want to face on the forefront.  It is all a good thing. 

I once had a dream after I sent my parents the goodbye letter.  It was that I was walking across the street and got hit by a bus. I was laying there incapacitated, maybe dead. I don't remember.  But, my family walked up and saw me there and said, "Oh, it's just Adria. Ya wanna go to McDonalds?" 

That was so hurtful, but I knew that's where I stood with them. Nowhere.  It took me awhile to get over it, but once I did, it really helped me to move forward, knowing that I did the right thing in sending the letter and trying never to look back.

Be patient and kind with yourself.  You are entering a new day.  Treat yourself to a new perfume or some expensive makeup, or whatever makes you happy.  Every time you treat yourself kindly, you are treating the little girl in you kindly because chances are you always put everyone else's feelings and problems first.  The little girl in you will appreciate your thoughtfulness towards her each time you treat yourself to something nice.  Hugs, Adria

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Adria. What a dream to have but how revealing.

[countrygirl]

Hi walkingonbrokenglass,

This really seems like a pivotal dream for you.  Your compassion for your younger self was profoundly touching. 

Wouldn't it be great if we really could go back in time and give our younger selves the care we needed, or if we really could tell them that things will get better.  But, certainly, connecting with these vulnerable earlier self-incarnations is the next best thing. 

I do believe we need to heal that part of ourselves, and it's fascinating to read all of the different accounts of how some very smart and empathetic people have done that.  You received so many helpful answers.  Maybe we could all imagine our younger selves also being comforted by the other members here, just as our present selves are.  Thank you for sharing this sad, but ultimately beneficial dream and starting this very helpful thread.  There is much to ponder here, and many helpful suggestions. If only we'd had access to so many wise people when we were young. I think I will try thinking about having had that when I was young.