Dealing with the fallout from a severely unhealthy family

[lost walrus]

It's hard to know where to start with these things, but here goes.

I'm recently NC with my mother after a life-long emotionally strained relationship. Ever since my parents divorced when I was a young child, I'd always felt closer to my father despite living with her. In return, growing up around her, I was made to feel like I was constantly falling short of some expectation. She had a hair-trigger temper; you'd never know what would set it off, so I built myself an emotional fortress and tried my best to stay behind the walls. Of course, that only led to constant guilt-tripping about being distant and not showing her the affection she craved. I was gray-rocking before I even learned what that term meant, but I found it preferable to the constant series of explosive shouting matches she would engage in with my brother growing up. There was no way to win.

The first time I remember thinking that there was something seriously wrong with my mother, and that she might need professional help, was on a family vacation circa 2018. I was in my late twenties by then. A significant portion of the trip was spent conversing with my brother about his estranged relationship with our father. Our father cut my brother out several years prior for reasons I'm still unsure of to this day. At the time I felt an enormous burden to help them mend that relationship since I was still close with our father, largely placed there by constant pressure from my mother to intervene. Together, my brother and I devised a plan to get them back in contact which eventually succeeded. My mother, oblivious to any of this at the time, apparently thought that my brother and I were shutting her out or otherwise not relating to her in the way she was expecting, and pouted in miserable silence for most of the trip. I figured there was no use in inquiring what was the matter because it would just invite another emotional beating.

I lived abroad for a couple of years. After my wife and I were married, I came back for a visit to have our marriage recorded in my home state. My mother was present for the "ceremony" (really just some paperwork; the real ceremony was performed abroad in a wedding venue, which was attended by both of my parents). As we exited the clerk's office, my mother started up one of her pity parties. She took enormous offense to the fact that we didn't walk her to her car, which was parked in the adjacent lot. My wife and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes, and tried our best to ignore her unreasonable attempt at emotional extortion. During the same visit, on another occasion after her bawling her eyes out about how I "constantly put her down" and "make her feel worthless," I offered to meet with a family therapist who we'd seen before. She agreed. I will never forget how she sat on the couch across from the therapist, turned towards me shortly after the session began, pointed her finger directly at me and said, (referring to my father) "you look like him, you act like him, you even walk like him, and I can't stand it!" These words are seared into my mind forever. The rest of the meeting, and the visit, was a blur. As far as I was concerned, she finally admitted what I knew to be true all along: she couldn't stand me and there was nothing in the world I could do about it. We maintained regular contact for several more years. After years of on-and-off therapy, it finally dawned on me that moving abroad was a desperate attempt at getting as far away as possible from my unhealthy family system.

During another visit with my wife, we were staying with my mother. My brother was also in town. I overheard my mother and brother one night having a heated conversation after I had gone to bed. The conversation consisted almost exclusively of my brother airing a list of grievances directed towards me about things that happened when we were young children, and my mother validating those grievances, reinforcing them with additional grievances against my father she held on to from thirty-something years ago. I can only imagine how many such conversations took place between my mother and brother without my knowledge. I felt sick listening to that - not because I was intruding on a private conversation, but because it was obvious what she was doing. I had already begun reading about personality disorders and discussing them with my therapist, and this was textbook enmeshment.

Fast forward a few years. The birth of our first daughter triggered a break in the relationship with my undiagnosed malignant narcissist father (story for another day). I made the grave mistake of telling my mother about it after much prodding. That dispute has since escalated from estrangement into a very costly legal battle over trust assets. For years I figured there was a good chance that there would be a fight after my father's death between his lineal descendants (my brother and me - those are the ones I know about, at least) against his third wife, but I didn't expect it to take the shape it's taken thus far, and I certainly didn't expect to have to engage in this battle while he was still alive. Anyway, I tried to keep my mother at arm's length throughout, even explaining to her multiple times that I am legally bound by the doctrine of privileged communications between attorneys and clients to no avail. She was relentless. She would constantly guilt trip me, openly insinuate that maybe the dispute and estrangement were my fault, accuse me of mistreating my brother when we both knew the mistreatment originated with our father, even going so far as to suggest that her strained relationship with my brother was somehow my fault too. Dealing with estrangement from my father and brother, a costly legal fight, and raising now two young children while in the process of relocating internationally for a new job pushed me over my limit. I decided to remove my mother from my life about two months ago without giving her the courtesy of an explanation. She sent me a nasty email a few weeks ago essentially blaming me for everything and demanding an apology. I didn't respond. She has tried to involve my wife's parents, to which they have sternly (and thankfully) responded with "leave us out of it."

I'm now estranged from my entire immediate family, everyone thinks I'm the bad guy, and I'm burning through money fighting an out-of-state legal battle which, ironically, would greatly benefit my brother if it were to be decided in my favor. Sadly, he is too full of resentment, installed by my mother, to act rationally in his own interest. I have to keep reminding myself that my real immediate family, the people who are truly here for me and who love me unconditionally - something I never experienced growing up - are my wife and children. I am so grateful to have them by my side. They give me the strength I need to face the otherwise unbearable emotional burden of simultaneous estrangement and prolonged litigation with the demons posing as my birth family. I don't know what I would do without them.

I'm sharing this anonymously on the internet in hopes that some of you with similarly horrific family experiences might find something with which to identify and draw strength from. Know you aren't alone and that there are people dealing with similar issues, often in silence with no one to share their struggle with. To quote my wife, "I thought people like these only existed in movies." It turns out that reality can indeed be more jarring than fiction.

[Rebel13]

I'm so sorry for what you are struggling with, lost walrus. Your story has a lot of classic elements, and sounds in many ways similar to mine. It's so painful to have to go through all of that and then realize in the end you'll never have the relationship you want -- and that no relationship is actually better than being around people who act like this.

One thing your story made me think about is the way these kinds of parents break the relationships between their children. I recently saw my sibling after a long hiatus and, thanks to some good preparation, realized how much I viewed him and his behavior through lenses instilled by my mother. Your story about your mother and your brother sharing grievances reminded me of that, and how much that happened to me with my mother. It makes me sad that I may have missed out on a lifelong relationship with my sibling because of her messed-up ideas and behavior.

All the best to you, and I'm glad you have made a quiet, safe life in which to appreciate your family of choice and their loving treatment of you. That's a wonderful gift after what we have been through.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @lost walrus,

your story resonates with me bc I am the only child of my parents, but they both have other children....and other spouses....

i've come to the point where I am NC completely with my biological mother (30+ years!!!) and VVVVVVVVVVLC with my biological father.  as they are both up in their years and neither was healthy when I was more in the loop, i've decided to simply remove myself from whatever happens next. i'm fortunate to be able to be in that position of privilege financially. I figure worst case scenario I get a lawyer to represent my non-interest. 

the first months are the hardest.  I am glad your DH's family took the stand they did.  I know it hurts to feel targeted and just take a deep breath and be glad you are no longer giving them new material to blame their misery on.