It is done

[Trinity85]

OK. Now I really need some support.

I told him I wanted a break today. It has taken me nearly 20 years to get to this place. I know "break" leaves the door cracked, but I thought it was the only way to tell him that I didn't want to continue the relationship without it becoming a bloodbath - and after all this time together - I just couldn't make myself simply disappear or go NC. 

I did the best I could not to give him anything to argue against. I just said that I was just exhausted and that I needed to focus on my own life. It's actually the honest truth. He said he wanted to talk later to figure out what a break meant. I think I can do that without getting sucked back in.

I do still love him. And I do still love being with him. But I just can't do this anymore. I don't want this life. Leaving is the only way forward. I've tried everything else.

He has made a mess of his life, practically speaking, and I don't know a way that he can recover from that honestly. I would see him sometimes and it would make me so sad - I'd see him struggling to make himself feel better, to buy something or do something to cover the emptiness. But that is why I stayed and why I endured it all.

I must be stronger now - I must see it for what it was - the best parts of me used against me. I just wish I could stop crying. Tell me this will get better.

[bloomie]

Trinity85 - it takes such strength borne of what you describe as years of: the best parts of me used against me" I am so thankful you reached out for support. This is a huge step! Take it little by little and do what you can to stay the course you have determined to be best and right for you!

[SeaBreeze]

Sending strength your way! It sounds cliche but you really do have to take it one day at a time and focus ahead. When I left my ex-uNPDh of 25 years, I also told him I needed a "break" so I could get out the door, down the driveway, and on the road. You did what was best at that moment to keep yourself safe! Please continue focusing on yourself and your safety going forward.

[Rebel13]

Hi Trinity85, I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. You are very clear: "Leaving is the only way forward. I've tried everything else." Lots of support for you in this difficult time! I know how hard it is to believe, but most things ease with time. I don't know if you need to be "stronger" -- maybe you need to be OK with dissolving into a puddle for a little while! Give yourself as much support and kindness as you can, and let us know how you are doing.

[Trinity85]

Thank you all. I don't know why this is so hard. If I'm being honest, I think right now the worst part for me is how badly I actually feel for him I can't let myself fall into codependency. He did this to himself.

[Trinity85]

I'm really having a hard time here. I'm now understanding the point of NC.

I saw him on Thursday and I thought the break would actually be ok given his behavior and things he said.

Now he has flipped 180 degrees and when we spoke on the phone yesterday, he was hostile and cold.

That hurts, especially after nearly 20 years. I didn't actually say I was leaving, just that I needed a break to focus on some things in my own life (all of which he knows about), which I need to do for my own financial security.

I've started to worry about what might happen next. It seems like his behavior is spiraling as his financial pressure increases. I posted about this elsewhere, but he's in massive amounts of debt.

I don't want to be in the blast radius when it all explodes. I just don't have it in me anymore to be hurt.

[Rebel13]

I read an interesting article recently that recast "codependent" as "self love deficient." It's not exactly better, but it made a kind of sense to me, and pointed to a solution -- loving ourselves, maybe just a little more than we love someone who's hurting us.

Whatever you do, please take care of and protect you. If you feel endangered, maybe contact an abuse prevention organization to get help making a safety plan? And take another break from seeing and speaking with him. Your safety and sanity are worth protecting.

[escapingman]

Remember that going no contact or leaving is not a punishment it is self preservation. As long as you are in contact your button will be pushed and it will all be much harder than if you remove yourself completely. I could not start my own recovery until I was in no contact with my now ex, I have more or less had no contact for 4 years except from divorce proceedings, house sale and some agreements surrounding the children. It will get better, trust  me, but I feel for you and know exactly what you are going through.

Ross Rossenberg that Rebel link to has some excellent books that I strongly recommend anyone in here to read.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

A saying I appreciated:  "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm."

Trinity, I had a really, really hard time too.  It tore my heart up. I felt terrible for him and I missed him from the marrow of my bones. I tried to go LC and he contacted me pretty much every day.  It took me 10 months to go NC, which I hope doesn't happen to you. NC definitely helps.  Still, I grieved. Betrayal/trauma bonds are more difficult to break than healthy ones I learned.  It was true for me. 

That toxic bond I had did finally wear off, though.  And a day came when I didn't think about him.  Another day came when I was going on a fun trip and I felt so grateful to be doing it without him (who would have ruined it).   

I don't hate him.  I hope he finds happiness and love in his life.  But he doesn't own my heart anymore or have the ability to tether me with guilt and obligation anymore.  I am free.  If you stick with it, you will someday be free too. 

Keep writing and getting support.  It helps.

[Trinity85]

Thank you to everyone that has replied. I appreciate your support more than I can say. 

I am really struggling with cognitive dissonance. One moment I feel like I'm thinking clearly about all of it and then suddenly some part of my brain starts to tell me that I must have gotten it wrong. That things can't possibly be that bad.

This is actually why I stepped away. The cognitive dissonance was so exhausting; I felt like I was going to lose my mind.

But the worst part I think is the ethical double blind. If I stay, it means I am saying that all of it is ok thereby violating my own integrity, but if I leave without an explanation after all this time, I am violating my own moral code.

[MaxedOut]

Trinity, I hear you on the double bind. That had me stuck for a while. Then I started to realize that I had already been violating other parts of my values/moral code. And I realized it was not actually morally consistent to get hung up on what respect means in leaving when my ex had not treated me with basic kindness and respect so many times, and engaged in abusive behaviors, and would not receive communications in a healthy way, regardless of how it was delivered.

This may not be the case for you, but that value of mine was cemented more into a moral imperative, reinforced in subtle and not so subtle ways by my ex, turning it into a sort of prime directive. But it's not; it's one among many values/moral codes and when examined in context falls apart pretty quickly.

I think a good way to work through critical thinking on that is simply think of someone you love and care about - a friend, an adult child or niece/nephew, maybe even a prior love. Think about them being subjected to the same stuff. Think about them believing they had to stay, or had to give the person another chance, or leave in a certain way that is a good rule of thumb with healthy partners. You know that person is putting themselves at risk (of abuse maybe, but at least of staying more years in the situation) by trying to follow a moral code, one that you believe in too.

Do you tell that person to suck it up and follow The Code? Or do you offer whatever support and try and help them see they do not owe that person or that relationship any more time in fear, obligation, and guilt? And that they are not failing, being immoral, or betraying themselves - quite the opposite in fact. They are taking care of themselves - finally. And they are living in their values and morals in saying "no more"?

[Trinity85]

Honestly, I think all of these mental machinations are just me struggling to let go. I keep going over all of it in my head trying to find a solution - something that I've missed that will make a difference - and I keep coming up empty.

I know most people leave because their PD'd partner's behavior becomes intolerable. At this point, that is not actually why I told him I needed a break. That's not to say that his behavior isn't bad or that he hasn't hurt me tremendously - it is and he has - but right now, the reason I told him that I needed a break is that he has become completely disconnected from reality.

He is in trouble - real serious financial and legal trouble - and there will be severe consequences - and yet, I cannot reach him to address the situation, even to get him to save himself. It's like those nightmares where an angry dog is after you and you cannot scream to alert anyone. I needed to step away for my own sanity. 

[Trinity85]

I'm not sure how I'm doing. This is hard. I found a new therapist and a NAMI support group. I don't see the new therapist for a few days and the NAMI group is in a few weeks. So, in the meantime, I'm just alone with my thoughts. The feelings are overwhelming - and the anger I feel - at times, it is frightening.

His behavior has clearly gotten more erratic; he's spiraling.

I put my phone on DND yesterday and he called three times. I finally called back and he said he was worried I had blocked him. Then he gave me some weird excuse why he had to get off the phone a few minutes later. He texted me a sweet goodnight message a few hours later. I didn't respond, but I admit that it all initially made me feel better, like maybe he cared.

But then this morning, I saw things clearly and realized he was lying and that it was all just a part of his game. It's actually amazingly sophisticated in terms of the manipulation.

I am realizing now how this has worked - how he has used my normal brain functioning and all the good parts of me like my compassion and empathy against me. He has weaponized my vulnerabilities, and I think that perhaps that is the worst and most painful part. It is taking every ounce of emotional energy for me not to engage, although I know that is the only way to make this stop.

I think I am getting closer every day to blocking him, but I'm not there yet.

[hhaw]

It's painful to realize....
self abandonment has played a large part.

Undoing that dynamic isn't comfortable, or easy to rebuild, IME.  It's a process, but gets better, IME.

Blocking your ex won't feel good, or ok, but you'll gain clarity, and the ability to remember who you were, (before you gave yourself away, IME.)

Whatever you choose.....
Be so very kind to yourself.  Extend tsunamis of self compassion.

Drop all judgement ...replace with curiosity.

Embrace radical acceptance....of everything you can't change.

Drop expectations.

Good luck, Trinity.  You've already taken the hardest step.  It's ok to give yourself all your energy.  In fact, it's a moral imperative, imo.