SIL visit is imminent. Nothing’s planned.

[Call Me Cordelia]

She'll be here in a few days and no plans have been made except for her accommodation (not in our house). DH is all like, "It'll be fine," while not actually making plans. He suggested a few ideas, but nothing is set.

Dude. I need to know what the plans are if only so I know how to feed our children. This is a regular thing, meals are planned a week in advance around here for sanity's sake. We also have normal life stuff happening during this visit, our daughter needs to schedule a time for an audition etc. and that's hard if you don't make plans, etc. I'm anxious about this visit, and I'm fighting so hard the old urge to over-function and over-compensate and clean like a crazy person so I can feel in control of the situation. However, it's very likely that if I don't do at least some of those things, I'm just going to be stuck on reactivity mode. Not to mention that wow how is this going for the whole being an example to our kids for how to do things in a healthy manner.

I did say to my DH we need to make a plan for the week TODAY. And I'm not going to be doing all the planning for him. My daughter is booking her audition today and if something conflicts I will be prioritizing that over his procrastination. It's not hopeless. But ugh. Lack of initiative is a regular source of conflict with us and I suppose I'd allowed myself to hope that he would do better with it in this situation, where really he is the one supposedly invested in his sister's visit.

[GoodPesto]

Hi CallmeCordelia,

I admire your level of awareness.
You got this, no matter how messy (figuratively and/or literally, however you prefer) it will look like in between, I am positive.
Intention counts heaps and it seems like you got your priorities straight.

"Lack of initiative is a regular source of conflict with us and I suppose I'd allowed myself to hope that he would do better with it in this situation, where really he is the one supposedly invested in his sister's visit."
This dynamic sounds very familiar to me and I have been in this spot a lot. If I am not mistaken, it's a bit like: We've talked about this so many times, and s/o knows how important this new situation is, so it would be a great opportunity to show the talks haven't been had for nothing, and then, what happens is same same and not even different.
With a little bit of distance and looking back, I can see how it can seem a bit like expecting someone who never has practised pole hault and promised he would try to show his willigness at the olympic's field (perfect opportunity!) instead of the backyard with a broomsick on the ground.
I struggled with feelings of massive disappointment while comparable situations (to the visit) were happening, because of the lack initiative and I am not sure it was fair to expect the change happening just then, even if the situation called for it (great opportunity!).

Wishing you a safe and fun time with your SIL, being confident you would be able to manage it well even if the visit would be wanting to turn desatrous.

[NarcKiddo]

It's good that you are not going to step in and do all the planning for him, but there is room for you to do some planning for you if that makes you feel more comfortable. (I also need to know what is going on so totally resonate with the need to have a plan in place, especially at a stressful time). Your daughter is putting her audition in the calendar, and once in the calendar it will stay. Could you maybe put some things in the calendar for yourself, even if it is just certain meals or building in some rest time for yourself? And then even if your husband has not planned you can say to him that if he wants to make plans including you then x times or days are free and that is final.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks, friends. I guess it gets me because there are particular things in which my husband shines at planning extremely detailed endeavors. Multiple-week road trips where campsites, routes, packing list, all planned months ahead of time. What he does for a living is also so much strategy and anticipation and prediction of future needs and being prepared. But the FOG machine still turns on and he's this passive guy in that context. It's a bit crazy making.