Finally separated - switching forums

[zad7242]

This was too long coming, and not precipitated by a single event, but last week after a night where my UBPDw screamed at my 10-year-old daughter (her stepdaughter) at 1am because the kids were camping out and my daughter didn't come inside fast enough after my wife yelled for them to come in because she apparently saw a snake (nonpoisonous) in their tent when she went to check on them.

The next morning my wife said she can't be my 2 children's mom anymore, how they are hurting her biological kids growth, and I just needed to move out with them. I came home early from work at lunch after agreeing, and my wife talked about how she just needs a break and can't be homeschooling them anymore. I told her I hadn't changed my mind from the morning, and we did need to separate as a couple. She told me to immediately leave the house with the 2 kids.

It feels like a no-brainer that we are finally ending this after 5 years of screaming, delusions, and making it very difficult for me to pass on our Catholic Faith to the kids. My problem is that, once things calmed down over the weekend, I allowed my 2 children to go back with my wife and their 4 other siblings. This is because I am confident that things will be calmer without me present for us to fight; I don't have a support system for watching my children yet while I go back to work tomorrow, and my 2 children do prefer to be at home and in their own beds etc with their siblings and step-mom they do love and don't understand the damage she has done.

My heart is broken. I want my 2 babies back (10 and 8) that my wife has no legal rights to. I am trying not to be selfish and balance that with what they desire and is in their best interest at least while I get back on my feet. I reached out to my lawyer and hopefully can meet with her this week.
 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'll be offering my holy communion this morning for you, zad.

[zad7242]

Thank you so much Call Me Cordelia,

Heading to Mass myself and you will be in my prayers as well.

Zad

[square]

Pulling for you and your kids.

You'll need legal advice asap about your kids. From my point of view, I certainly don't begrudge you having the kids there while you sort out a new setup, but I would sure hate for you to have any custody issues arising from that. Those are your kids. Top priority.

Also, even if she is good to them (on the surface at least), alienation is a huge concern here. Do not leave a void for her to fill.

Good for you, there was an exit, you took it, and you didn't backtrack like it would have been easy to do.

By the way, I homeschooled my kid for 6 out of 12 years. I think it can be great for many families. If you need to change that situation, this is a pro homeschooling mom saying it will be just fine if you put them in school. My own daughter plus another homeschooled kid we knew who also switched to school felt like they had the advantage of not being so jaded. They didn't see school as pointless, they took it more seriously than many of their classmates. Just some perspective in case it helps. I recall all the kids are yours but some are both yours and hers and some are just yours, I could be wrong, but the ones that are just yours are in fact just that - make the best decisions for them, she has no say on them, of course she has say on the others.

[zad7242]

Thank you, square!

You make a great point of not allowing her to fill the void. Of course, things will get better at home, at least for a while, and she will say that proves I was the problem.

[zad7242]

I went back home today to be with my kids. My wife became sad and vulnerable and told me how she is struggling and does not want to give up on our marriage. She told me she just wants me to "choose her" kiss her like I've never kissed her before and come home. She also was quite apologetic for things in the past. All the things I would want to hear in that situation.

I told her I would be open to trying to find a path forward, but it would have to involve us remaining separated and us gradually become closer little by little. I also told her she needed to work on the issues she admitted were problems. She became very angry and told me to never mind. I think it's unfair she goes from kicking me out of the house with my 2 kids to making me feel like I'm a jerk for rejecting her effort to reconcile in the span of 4 days. I didn't even reject it just said we can't go back like nothing happened and tell the children we didn't mean what we told them.

[square]

It is unfair.

She wasn't looking to work on things, just get you back in line. If she wanted to work on things, your offer would have given her hope instead of making her angry.

[Rebel13]

Hi zad, it sounds like your head is clear and you are doing all the right things! I don't have much to offer in this situation but I did want to chime in with support through this difficult process. Wishing the best for you and your children.

[Call Me Cordelia]

What they said.