Narcissistic Maternal Sexual Abuse

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I have been no contact with my Narcissistic mother for several years now. My father has now chosen to leave my mother, and now we live intergenerationally on the other side of the world.  My father and I have had a lot of time to heal. More recently after a period away from my mum's abuse (3 years), my father has decided that he wishes to divorce my mother. I have been extremely careful to not involve myself in any decisions around this so as not to influence him, but as her previous enabler, this is a huge decision for him to make. Traditionally he was extremely passive and deferred all decisions to her.

Since this process has started, my mother video called him once whilst I was visiting his house (I promptly left without her knowing I was present).

I had knowledge that my mother was sexually inappropriate towards me as a child, and later allowed a paedophile with her knowledge to move into my bedroom, on leaving prison as he had "nowhere else to go". I found out years later that she was aware that he had been grooming me which later led to Child abuse with likely her knowledge (or at least somewhat poor parenting!). Since the videocall between my parents and briefly hearing her voice, I have been inundated with memories and flashbacks of other sexual abuse perpetrated towards me and my sister by my mother, things that I had vague knowledge of before but now in much more detail. I am in therapy and getting support, but am keen to know if other children of Narcissistic Mothers have had similar experiences with her sexually abusing them (particularly females). Is this something separate to her narcissism or often seen in Narcissistic mothers, or maybe just not talked about? I feel like the finality of the divorce has made it easier for me to understand these memories knowing that I am safe now.

[NarcKiddo]

I am glad you are safe now and that you and your father have an opportunity to repair your relationship following his leaving your mother.

My mother was physically inappropriate towards me as a child. I have always hesitated to see it as sexual abuse though I expect some would view it as such. Essentially there was very little bodily privacy and she considered it her right to look and touch as she saw fit. She enjoyed nudity around the house and enjoyed taking nude photographs of me as a teenager (she had a polaroid camera since that was in the days when you otherwise had to take a film to the chemist to be developed). She became aware that I was being groomed by a school driver (because I told her, thinking he was my boyfriend) but instead of reporting anything to the school she encouraged the relationship even though he was married and I was a minor. My father was aware.

I don't know if this sort of behaviour is linked to narcissism. My feeling is that it could be. I think abuse of any kind by mothers is rarely spoken of, especially in the past, because mothers are supposedly loving and caring. I also think that sexual abuse by a mother is something society simply cannot wrap its head around, so there is little support for victims of either sex. If people simply will not (because they cannot) believe such a thing is possible, where does a child go for help?

[Deborah]

I am sorry that happened to you.

My mother never sexually abused me directly. She did push me into unsafe situations where I was abused. And I suspect she did it on purpose. This wasn't a one time event...but something she did over and over and over. Every time I set a boundary with an abuser of any kind, she would try manoeuvre me back in. She also forced me to sleep in bed with an abuser, after which I had sex against my will. She was very manipulative about all that. As was my enabling dad. 

I do see it as part of her personality disorder. I honestly think you need a narcissistic or antisocial disorder to sexually abuse your own child as a mother. It goes so against every single mothering instinct...that it is not possible without a severe disorder. I am a train wreck, I could not protect my child because of it, yet would never think of SA'ing my own child. It would disgust me to my core. In every single way.

Again: I am sorry and I am happy you two are safe.