Did you ever?

[Associate of Daniel]

Before entering PD land and even while living there, did the things you find yourself now doing after leaving PD land, ever enter your head?

I am astounded at what I'm doing now.  During PD days I was sceptical/cynical about counsellors.  Now I'm studying to be one!

I never had confidence in my academic abilities, or my opinions.  Now I do.

I never believed I could use a computer to the extent of creating a website, or that I had any writing ability.  Now I have a blog that seems to have attracted readers from several different countries.

I was never asked to lead a group or make speeches.  Now I occasionally am, and I have the confidence to do it.

A lot of the confidence comes from age and maturity.  But I think a lot of it comes from PD land experiences.  Both have brought a considerable amount of simply "not caring" anymore about what people think, as well as knowing myself and my limits and potential.

I'm grateful, although it would have been nice not to have to travel through PD land to get here!

AOD

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's great that you're using PD experience to further yourself, AOD!  I think it took me a while to regain confidence I had before the PD.  But I certainly learned a lot in PD land.  Mostly what not to do and how not to get hooked anymore!

[Prototypian]

I'm sort of the opposite.  I never had any fear of anything.  I tried everything in my college, career, big opportunities and always imagined travel with no worrying about settling down.  Would live in a big city then a mountain cabin then an island.  I dreamed and dreamed.   It wasn't irrational, it was a lack of fear and a genuine interest in new things.   And I liked to oractice things.  If I took up a new hobby I wanted to practice it for a few hours every day. 

My PD spouse ruled over that almost from the very start. I have to do and try things despite her.  I started a company out of the labs where I was a professor an didn't tell her.   I had to take a role as a professor in the same town we lived in since we got married because she couldn't leave and I had to completely shift to non tenure track despite the tenure track positions in other parts of the country.  Every activity or hobby gets questioned and challenged out of fear.  And I don't mean frivolous.  I'm not "watching iron chef" and deciding on a 25k or more kitchen upgrade. I'm deciding it would be fun to learn guitar and having to hide a thrift store guitar purchase because of the question of "do you realize how hard it is to play guitar" and "what made you think anyone could just pick up guitar" and "what made you decide to do guitar".  Same thing with any broadening of horizon.  "Why did you pick that book" from the library.  "So you just decided to buy those shorts" from Costco for 12 bucks.   

Keep in mind that this isn't a fear of spending money.  Our houses are paid off both primary house, second cottage in the downtown community where we live and cabin in ski town for vacations.   We don't have debt and kids college (three out of state at one time) is totally cash flowed.  Her concern about that 12 dollar pair of shorts is "how much effort did you really put into making the decision and how many options and worst case scenarios did you review"

No where that I am is a better place than I ever imagined.  I'm the most successful person I know in spite of my spouse. 

I yearn to "mow the lawn or have someone else mow it" without a multi hour review of the yard with hundreds of flags to prevent any wildflowers from being cut.   I live with the idea of throwing  away something that is mine on the decision that "I just don't use this" and not "what is every scenario of potential waste that could come from throwing this away and every potential use it could serve someone anyone anywhere?"   

I dream of being able to organize my home or even work office the way that I want it without fear that "are you sure that's the best way to set up a set of monitors or organize your desk".  Everything must have a precedent and be the right decision and I feel like I would be so much further without this.  Like light years ahead in productivity, peace and joy.

[JustKeepTrying]

AOD - that confidence is shining through and so incredible to witness!!

[bloomie]

Associate of Daniel - love this update with my whole heart!