Trying not to get picked up by the flying monkeys

[Liketheducks]

My college age niece is staying with us for the summer.   Her parents are going through a rough time.   Her dad is my brother and is NC with our Mom.   I'm VLC....at her choosing, I suppose.   I'm just not putting in a lot of effort into the relationship.   When she calls, I respond....but aside from the odd Happy Birthday, Thanks for the gift kind of text....I don't call.   She believes that I should be calling, but has never really said that.   It just feels like a relationship that I'm "supposed" to maintain, but yeah....

Niece is in contact.   Mom KNOWS niece is staying with me.   Now Mom is blowing up Niece's phone with health scares.   We just returned from a trip in which niece was housesitting for us, and day of, mom ended up in the ER with vertigo.   She's been struggling with it for 2+ years.   Which sounds utterly miserable.   However, they can't find the cause.   It isn't blood pressure related....AND it isn't verifiable.   There is no test to be done for crystals in her ears.   She's knows the manuever to correct them.   Niece, like me, struggles with anxiety...and this is ratching things up for her....and me, a bit.   Less so for me.   

In my mind, I have this story that Mom is bombarding niece to get to me.   That may or may not be the case.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with niece.   As ANOTHER Aunt who is still in contact with Mom....expressed concern that Mom hadn't called to wish a happy birthday.   Mom HAD had a text exchange with me and expressed no worries.   She told niece she was very, very ill and neighbors had come to her place to help her.   She was expressing to niece that if something were seriously wrong, she wouldn't tell niece.    SMH.   

As niece was struggling with this I asked her...."IF you were very, very ill....would you call the 20yr college student who usually lives 4 hours away...or an ambulance....or the local daughter who would meet you in the hospital?    She stopped for a moment and said that I had given her a new perspective to consider.   

Meanwhile, I'm anxiously awaiting the drama to unfold.   Hoping that I'm wrong and that she's NOT just milking this for attention....while she knows in a couple of weeks, we leave for H's parents to spell caregivers as H's folks have alzheimer's.   I hate that I'm looking at the worst case scenario from my mother.   But, it all feels like...."how come you're not caring for me" from my mom.

[Rebel13]

Hoping that I'm wrong and that she's NOT just milking this for attention...I hate that I'm looking at the worst case scenario from my mother.   But, it all feels like...."how come you're not caring for me" from my mom.

I'm sorry, this sounds super nerve wracking. But I don't think that you're "looking at the worst case scenario." I think you are looking at it very realistically. I mean, we know how these people are, how they act, etc. It sounds like you are being a great support for your niece and helping her develop the skills she will need to think critically about people's behavior and discern when she is being manipulated or when people aren't making sense -- important life skills.

What is the fear here? That your mom does actually have some serious illness and you should -- somehow intuit that, when doctors haven't been able to find concrete evidence, and drop everything to "be there" for her?

Even if what is going on with her does turn out to be real and life threatening, you can't possibly know that at this point. When you do have more info, you'll assess your choices and decide how you want to handle the situation.

Be gentle with yourself; you can only know what IS known, and what is shared with you. You aren't a mind reader or a wizard. It isn't up to you to solve problems no one knows exist. And being manipulated into providing support is such an icky feeling. Don't feel you have to go down that path.

[Liketheducks]

What is the fear here? That your mom does actually have some serious illness and you should -- somehow intuit that, when doctors haven't been able to find concrete evidence, and drop everything to "be there" for her?



Yes....thank you.   My fear is that I'm not doing the right thing...not doing enough.   And as I read this, I recognize that this is a voice in my head that isn't my own.   It just feels OFF.   Thank you.   

[bloomie]

Liketheducks - this kind of vague medical issue that may truly be something, but you sure don't know that now can be really slippery awakening so much second guessing and self doubt, I have found. I am sorry!

I really like this:

In my mind, I have this story that Mom is bombarding niece to get to me.  That may or may not be the case.

So wise to focus on what you do know to be actually true. That's it. And from there to determine what is yours, if anything, to do at this point.

And such an important bit of perspective to give to your niece.

Yes....thank you.  My fear is that I'm not doing the right thing...not doing enough.  And as I read this, I recognize that this is a voice in my head that isn't my own.  It just feels OFF.  Thank you.

It is important for us push back on these fears and thoughts which are not true as you are doing. Isn't it mind boggling the damage we can do to ourselves if we don't realize these things are not true? Take ever so good care of yourself and enjoy this time with your niece!! And sending blessings to your and your H as you offer caregiver respite for your in laws that you KNOW need the support. That is a beautiful thing!!