P.S. Friend not Wanting to Talk

[countrygirl]

Hi,

Since I received such mindful replies to my post about my friend not wanting to talk on the phone, I thought I would send this postscript.  I am sure this won't surprise anyone, but she has slipped right back into sending texts!  Last night she sent photos of a river which had flooded near them, not a big river, and they were no endangered, I hasten to say.  And she sent similar photos last year.

I could barely bring myself to reply, and did so just to get it out of the way.  I said, "Glad you're okay."  This was basically the same as what I'd said a day or two before in reply to another text.

I ask myself whether I should be okay with this level of communication, but I'm not, because it is static and boring.  Also, she always tells me her trial and tribulations, and I have been there for her so often, have put so much time and energy into my replies, yet she can't talk to me on the phone?  Not once for several decades?   Who am I to her?  I feel as if I'm only an ear, or maybe I should say a shoulder, not an ear, since she won't talk!   

Well, nothing has changed.  Except that I really don't want to continue this charade of friendship.

[Catothecat]

I think you made the best response you could, countrygirl.  She was obviously trying to get your attention through her proximity to a natural disaster, while not actually having been in a natural disaster.  You let her know you got the message (which isn't the flooding) but you're not going to discuss it further.  This isn't real communication, just exchanges of information. She's staying just out of reach, which is apparently her current comfort level.  Except the terms of a friendship aren't set by just one person, with the other having to accommodate.  That's perhaps being friendly, but not being friends.  And if she feels the need to discuss an issue, she can take it to a therapist who's paid to sit there and listen.  A therapist doesn't expect reciprocity.  A friend does.


 

[countrygirl]

Very well put, Catothecat!  Yes, if she needs to unburden herself in the future, she can pay to talk with a therapist.  It is unfair to ask a friend to be there for you at various difficult times--including when her mother disinherited her--and then not want to talk with them.   

And I agree that what she wants seems to be an exchange of information, not communication, except when she is very upset. That describes the situation perfectly.

It is depressing, but it's good to have clarity.

This is a case of someone who was vibrant and interesting when she was young, but who has closed down over the years, to the point that I really don't know who she is anymore.  Not that I'm so fascinating myself!  But I haven't closed down, and if I haven't done so by now, I don't guess I will--at least not voluntarily!