Large Family Narcissistic Dynamic

[SendParamedics]

Hi hope you're having a peaceful day .
I am struggling in isolation from the entire family. 
My parents are Absolutely awful. 
My dad says horrible things and defends them, laughs, my mom ignores and tolerates it and ask weeks turn into months it goes from who cares you're obsessing over it there's something wrong with you get therapy to "I never said that, that never happened"
And my aunts, uncles, cousins and their friends go along with it without question . This is only one example of dozens. 
When I was 16 (I'm 34 now) I had dreamed of playing the guitar for years and my parents scoffed at every interest I ever had . When they put me in a group home, the group home was pretty quick to pay for guitar lessons which my parents were incredibly irked by . The problem is I needed a guitar to practice on and was embarrassed when the guitar tutor told me that  I couldn't just learn for an hour a week on his . I begged my father and he laughed, belittled me. I was persistent and confused as to why he hated everything I did so much . This made him purchase his own guitar out of spite, had it strung left handed so i couldn't play it because I'm right handed, and it sat in his closet for years . He had zero interest in guitar playing . He only did that to make me freak out . And I did.  I danced for them. A few years ago in therapy I had the lightbulb moment when after I told my therapist that I had been begging and screaming over the phone with my parents to give me my birth certificate and social security card back along with my then 4 year old daughters documents, that what they were doing was illegal and to call the police. I needed my documents to renew my drivers permit, persue my license and battle with social security to prove I can manage my own finances and didn't need my horrible mother as my rep payee . They have kept my independence from me in every aspect, controlling my clothing, my food, my ability to go to the laundry mat, my finances, daily needs, ability to contact my own landlord, my love life, my parental authority of my child.  They are pathological liars and have emotionally and psychologically abused me so severely that I was self harming by the time I was 9, had eating disorders, heavily medicated on unnecessary antipsychotics- I know and understand they know exactly what they are doing, they know it's wrong, they know when they say they didn't say or do something that they did, they know it has damaged me, they know when I tell them I was m*lested by an older child they watched that I am not lying and when they say that they can't believe me because all I do is lie that that isn't true- they. Just. Don't. Care.
I'm all alone . They have ran off every friend that was decent that I ever had growing up, moved me from school to school every year, heavily drugged me from the age of 10 to 17 so I would sleep nearly 20 hours a day so they could ensure I didn't meet anyone or ever feel secure or confident.
I'm beyond angry . I've had the fleas , I know exactly what that means.  Ive done what they do back to them and laugh in my face, put me on speaker phone and show everyone how crazy, unreasonable, unhinged and incapable I am, and how right and tolerant, heroic and patient they are .
After my dad announced in the middle of a grocery store that segregation needs to come back so he didn't have to deal with.... The "unsavory" and made an innocent woman minding her own business cry ( my brother and sister are mixed, same mother, no my mom doesn't care), I had to get in the car with my father again and get back home .... I was so beyond mortified, shocked, humiliated and angry, all I could think about was grabbing the steering wheel and ending us both . I need to stay away from them . But they are the only ones who call me . Many times a day . They dangle help in front of me, offer false support, conditional treats . I am so desperate and all I truly have are my three cats and my awesome sweet daughter who is now 7 . Please help me.

[xredshoesx]

as someone who has been NC for 30+ years I feel very deeply for your situation and want to welcome you to the group.  you are not alone in some of what you described and from the position you are in, it's not a simple as just walking away and starting over. for some of the issues you've mentioned, especially dealing with financial and or custody issues of your LO, it may be best to consult a family law attorney.

what we can do from our little corner of the internets is cheer you on and validate what you are sharing.  you are taking a big step towards finding peace for you and your kiddo.people always talk about boundaries but it's hard to make boundaries with people you are dependent on to survive- and that seems what your parents have done is kept you as dependent as possible so it's going to be a lot of baby steps towards becoming independent with the resources you have available in your region.

take a deep breath and when you are ready please do share more about what you would like to see a day in your life be like if you were free from the chaos your parents bring to the table.  let that vision be your guide.

[NarcKiddo]

I am very sorry you have had to deal with all this and wish you strength to gain independence so you and your daughter can live a safe and fulfilling life.

[SendParamedics]

Thank you . I thankfully have had full custody of my child her entire life and that isn't going to change . Anytime I have felt overwhelmed mostly due to always needing things like bedsheets, laundry done or from being all alone with my daughter all the time, my narcissistic parents have made it out to sound like I was incompetent and suggested that I should put her up for adoption. They are vile people.  I love my daughter more than anything, she is just like me, having ASD and some ADHD, and is proof that I wasn't a horrible, disobedient nightmare of a child they always made me out to be.  My daughter drives me nuts, she is so pesky but she is a wonderful kid with a big warm heart and an amazing and creative imagination.

I am no contact currently but it doesn't last very long . Stupid me, I always reach out or answer the phone after a few days because I long for the connection and relationship with my parents that is never going to happen .
Its father's day today, and my mother's birthday was two days ago.  I don't even call it a birthday when I communicate to her . I tell her I hope she has the day of birth she truly deserves. I will not acknowledge her birthday in any other way .

[Rebel13]

Hi SendParamedics,

It sounds like you have set up some good boundaries to help you cope with your family situation. That's really great.

What do you think about considering other ways you might help yourself soothe that longing for connection/relationship with your parents? Since you acknowledge that it is never going to happen (which I think is very wise)?

A while back I heard the Youtuber Jerry Wise say that, once we are grown, we don't NEED our parents anymore. It kind of blew my mind because, like you, I had always felt a longing for close family relationships that are not possible given the people in my family and how they choose to behave and treat me. But I have given his statement a lot of thought and realized that he is right. We might deeply want those connections, but it is also possible to accept and grieve the fact that those relationships will never be what we want. Admitting that, for me, has opened the door to a whole new world of ideas about who and how I relate to, and why, as well as how I embrace being a grown-up and meeting my own needs.

Wishing you and your daughter peace, calm and safety!

[SendParamedics]

I have blocked my parents on everything, cut all contact I know of off and went no contact yesterday for the first time. I've ignored them before and blocked them before but didnt mentally committ to go NC ever before . This is the very first time . It has been 24 hours and I'm writhing. I'm filled with so much hatred, anger, pain and resentment. I'm very clearly grieving. I only have ever loved the version of my parents I made up in my head, I've only loved the parents I had imagined them to be in my head, I've only ever loved the parents that I hoped they would turn into . I have only ever loved the parents I've asked or begged them to be .
I hate them . I hate who they are, always have been and always will be .
I have no actual love for them . Its only ever been an emotional dependency. Its only ever been a little girl who needs or wants her mommy and wants to watch movies and eat popcorn and go on car rides with her mommy and go to the store with her mommy. That has been gone for many years now and it's only ever been an adult woman who needs her mother to be genuine and wise, emotionally mature and grounding. An adult woman who needs a break every week from the 24/7 at home with her 7 year old so she can have any kind of social life . Its an adult woman who needed her mother while she went through nearly two years of post acute withdrawal syndrome in 2016 and an adult woman who needed her mother to be the best friend she could always trust and rely on, who knows her the best and will defend her and pick her up when shes down .
My mother will never be that . She is the enemy .
In my parents eyes, no one can ever do any wrong to me.  It is always my fault. When I'm hit, attacked, insulted, stolen from or robbed, lied to and cheated.
How dare I . I deserved it.  I brought this on myself.  I shouldn't have any feelings. I need to shut up.  I made them do it.
I'm DONE.

[SendParamedics]

I keep coming back to check this non stop and I really need more than two comments dude . This isn't something that cant be supported in two paragraphs, this is my life .
I came here for support that I truly need and I need it RIGHT NOW . today.

[SendParamedics]

Its the end of the day and I have not had one healthy conversation with another adult human being in days .
The day is over.  Tomorrow I have a playdate for my daughter set up at a park across the street because we dont have a vehicle. I contacted her to confirm and haven't received a message back . I hope it goes well . I can't let her know any of this . But the entirety of my sanity, dignity, hope and the feeling of being a half way decent mother rides on tomorrow. My daughter is lonely . We are very very alone . We have no one .

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, I'm sorry you are feeling so alone in your pain. It is really really hard, for anyone, and especially the relational trauma we've gone through as kids that it's all our fault, it's no better than what we deserve, blah blah blah... Double ouch. We do need real life support.

Do you have a church or some kind of community group you can belong to? Setting up a play date is a positive step, and I hope it goes well tomorrow. But that's a lot of pressure on one play date and a post on a generally slow forum. You are so right. We can care from across the interwebs but your life can't be supported in this way alone. I do encourage you to find more and more varied sources of connection in real life. Even though I don't doubt that might feel really really difficult. Maybe even there's a way you and your daughter can volunteer in your community. It might seem counterintuitive but it can be really life-giving to find that we do have something to offer to the world after all. Which I believe you do! I truly wish you all the best.

[SendParamedics]

I am an atheist. Part of the reason why is that I've found whenever I have been downed in life people offer church as an answer . I've found that religious people see turmoil, troubles or loneliness as an opening to convert someone and someone who has nowhere to turn is usually more likely to turn to a religion as a means to find community and support. Once you understand that religion has only ever been, just that, a way to be accepted into a community, for survival-  you understand that there are 1000s of religions and none of them have any real grasp on what's truly healthy, I do not need a religion. Science, logic and reasoning is more than enough and I have morals and a sense of right and wrong without them. 
My daughter is seven and can't even pick up her room let alone "volunteer" .
We can walk the dogs at the nearby animal shelter . But I will be managing, parenting and directing my daughter the entire time . It will be child management 90 percent and volunteering 10 percent. Its something that I would like to do but it is only putting more on my plate .
I have my own pets at home who need my care .
Google AI suggested this forum as a way to find support, I talk to AI when I am down . I get one message here every few days .
I have a friend who is a good friend and a good person but every text he sends is an attempt to get me to pray, read this Bible verse, start believing, worship- this is emotionally unintelligent. I need emotional intelligence right now more than ever . My suffering is not someone's "sign" from god to enact the plan they have for them, my reaching out for help is not an invitation for you to fulfill your religious needs, after I have told you several times I am an atheist, it is not going to change . Been there done that, was Christian for over 25 years and there is valid reason why Ive come to understand the very nature of religion and found that it's all wishy washy upon a starry deluded self fulfilling mindless bull crap .


I suspect someone I have talked to these last few days who hasn't returned my texts has been sending screenshots and communicating with my NPD parents.  I have been tricked with the "ofc, were family" sentiment. We are not family, only childhood friends .

[SendParamedics]

Hanging in there

[xredshoesx]

@SendParamedics

think of this part of the forum like a lobby, where people start and decide where to go next to the different discussion boards


maybe posting here will help visibility
Dealing with PD Parents

always remember that we are all volunteers here and nobody is prescribing medical advice- it's just people talking about their experiences from an anecdotal point of view
 

[Rebel13]

Hi @SendParamedics,

I second xredshoesx suggestion to look around the forum. There are lots of stories, suggestions and resources that you might benefit from. There are also lots of resources across the internet that I have personally used to help myself when struggling emotionally. If you check the Book Reviews or Other Media Resources sections you might find some that appeal to you.

One of my personal favorites is the Youtube channel Therapy in a Nutshell. Emma has lots of videos and playlists with a very down-to-earth approach that helped me learn about ways to soothe myself and start to feel more emotionally regulated.

Like you, I am not a religious person. Many people who post here are, however, and one thing I've learned is that I can find help sometimes from the sources that I least expect! Many people have wisdom to offer even if they are not like me or don't share my beliefs or lifestyle choices (nor I theirs).

I hope you can take action to find the resources and support you need.