Cousin leaving drunken "Christian" h

[hhaw]

My cousin left her drunken, bigoted husband last week.  This was after a family wedding....her niece, in fact.

The drunk (not a judgement, just a fact) will likely shoot my cousin IF he can find her. 

His current ploy is to get their 20yo DD drunk and ask her to tell her mother he's gotten sober.  As he asks her to lie, he holds a beer in his hand.
 He won't stop drinking. Everyone knows this.  He knows and admits it, while chuckling. He knows his wife would never go back to the drinking....so why keep asking people to tell his wife he quit drinking?  To lure her back to their home?  Where he has a gun.

I will say this....2 male neighbors stood outside while my cousin got some of her things, and both were holding guns.  They believe the drunk will harm or kill her.  I wonder why some men roll their eyes, and dismissively demand women stop being so dramatic. It's willful ignorance, isn't it?  I think it is.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry for your cousin, Hhaw, and for you who care about her.  It's a disturbing and horrible situation and we know in marriages like this, the riskiest time is after leaving the abuser. There is support out there.  I hope she avails herself of it.

[notrightinthehead]

That is horrible. I wish her strength and resolve. Hopefully she never goes back.

[hhaw]

Update:

Cousin blocked stbx, after getting info to file taxes.  Cousin went on to file for divorce and Order prohibiting both litigants from harassing, contacting or seeking out the other party.  I assume he's kept his head down.....but not sure.  Cousin feels pretty guilty, after covering for stbx for 30 years, to be fair.

Last weekend stbx showed up at church with a woman he introduced as his fiance.  She was wearing an engagement ring.

The neighbor said stbx walked her to, what turned out to be a car stbx rented for her Monday morning.  Stbx was wearing a robe......had a beer in his hand.

Today, cousin's college age DD lost her keys.  Cousin dropped her many houses away....DD walked to family home where stbx menaced her......she felt threatened enough to pick up a copper pipe and run to the neighbor's home, where stbx followed her.  The neighbor guy chased stbx out of his home, and DD saw stbx, shirtless, and on his back in the driveway and road.  DD called police and requested a wellness check for her father/stbx.

Police showed up, hours later,knocked, then left when stbx failed to answer the door.  Police phoned DD to report they could do nothing if stbx didn't open the door.

It's unclear, to me, what stbx was saying, if anything, while "menacing" his DD.  He was "very drunk" and DD felt he might self harm.

So, there's police report number 1 on the books.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so glad that you are watching this from the sideline, like a soap opera, even though you are emotionally involved on the side of your cousin and probably supporting her emotionally. Possibly it even triggers some memories from your own story and I sincerely hope you are strong and healed enough to not let this re-traumatize you again.
Just go back to the toolbox and read up on MC again if it get too much for you - take your own advice and breathe ... and remind yourself - this is not your story, not your responsibility, not in your control.
Your cousin is lucky to have your support, with all your painful experience.

[hhaw]

Cousin's stbx was removed from the family home.  All his guns were removed, and a 2 year protective order's in place, also forbidding him from having/buying guns.

That didn't stop him from calling his DD and begging her to bring him a gun "for protection." DD has no access to the guns, stbx is such a ding dong, asking for alimony, stopped paying every bill, and telling his church he's "remarried."

Their home needs major repairs...the stbx is unlikely to agree to a settlement, though there's very little to fight over.  The only strategy, my cousin has, is long days at the courthouse.  Stbx is used to having a beer in his hand all day and night.  He can't go long before he's crawling the walls.
Cousin's been here, with me, my sister and my girls.....doing things I need done. Organizing her thoughts and next steps.

Cousin a little bewildered looking, when contemplating NEVER speaking to her stbx again.  He ruled their home through interpersonal terror, controlling the peace/no peace.

Cousin is in another relationship. Planning trips abroad.  Protected by her family, and already moved on.

I've only seen one other go completely NC..... I'm so proud of her strength, bc it's knocked the chaos factor to the ground, IME.

Stbx isn't in her head every moment, controlling her peace, feeding her lies, guilt and threats, nope nope nope.

She has more family support, bc going NC protects them from the PD nutsy koo koo craziness too.

They're set on mitigating harm, which is different than protecting everyone.

That ship sailed long ago.

Accepting no one can be "protected" is freeing.  There's no angst over damage already done.  Focus shifts to exiting quicker, preserving rfamily assets and limiting contact with PD as can be managed.  In this case, they blocked the PD from his MIL's phone and gone silent....but for the DD, who's catching on.

Cousin had a bobble when stbx asked for closure....to know why she left, blah blah blah. As she's left him before, he made/and broke promises...
did she really believe he doesn't know WHY?

She calmed right down.  He KNOWS.  He was just pushing her buttons, creating crisis in her Nervous System, and playing the poor list boy victim......who she always wanted to understand, be responsive to her reasons and to change.

That's over now....I hope.  Seems to be, anyway.

Final analysis:
Cousin's living with her sister and BIL.  BIL is cooking for her and her sister every night they're working on divorce files.  He's punching holes and organizing.... he'll go to any settlement discussions and hearings, if needed. 

Had cousin continued contact with stbx... BIL would have been dubiously withdrawn and finished with, his SIL, had she gone back to stbx.

NC is neat.  It's tidy.  It removes doubt and limits chaos.

I learned that the hardest of hard ways.  I'm always shocked when someone uses it, to their best advantage, without fail, bc it
IS
BRILLIANT!

The stbx is a coward around other men, btw.  He'll be less likely to say and demand stupid things with BIL present.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for this update. I'm relieved for your cousin, you, and the rest of your family.

[MaxedOut]

Good update, hhaw. NC is so helpful.

[hhaw]

Update:

Cousin has been NC, without fail, with her stbx, though she's endured her DD's chaotic contact, and consequent disregulation. 

The last time stbx called their DD, he reported he needed a ride to the hospital.....but really needed a ride to the bar.

He complained the hookers stopped coming over, as he stood, naked, urinating on his apartment kitchen floor.....his dead turtle rotting, dead, in it's enclosure.....and this terrible man, who hates all women, again asked his DD to assist him with an inappropriate healthcare task .... penetration into his body by DD, which stbx know how to perform himself, and has for 20 years.

I've calmed down quite a bit, but went through a period of upset....at my brother....who at on time, claimed this misogynistic drunken predator as "family" while claiming our cousins, and their children, are "strangers" to him.

They're both Trumpers....both misogynistic.....both my ant wom n compliant, unpaid and performing free labor on their behalves....and these women should be grateful for the opportunity.

So, I confronted my brother, and he was angry I'd forced "unwanted images in his head......". He, as always, desires to push away uncomfortable truths, and requires women to stop talking about it...."just let it go."

No consequences....no protection, but at the same time, he spouts "traditional" values ...women should let men be men....let them protect.....let them earn ...women should remain in the home.

At the same time, brother feels, people who don't earn, are not productive members of society, and perhaps should not vote....but runs from discourse when calmly challenged to explain his positions....to include women's reproductive the healthcare, which he's voted against, and will continue to do so.

In the meantime, my divorcing cousin asked me to contact her DD, as DD was spiraling after the drunken naked peeing on the floor disaster of a night.

DD wanted her father in rehab .....
but also wanted to press charges for sexual abuse.....and file for her own TRO.

My cousin doesn't want stbx to go into rehab, so she's urging no charges or TRO for her DD......and I feel a little.....in the dark about these motives and behind the scenes goings on.

The DD goes quiet ....I check on her by text.....we text up a storm for a day, then she goes silent for a bit.....has migraines....has a history of SA with an ex in HS she got a TRO on.....I talked them through that one......leaving out embarrassing peripherals....only including what the law required to procure the TRO.

This child has been inside in patient treatment for eating disorder....she hated it.  She has a T. Attends University, will graduate in September...then consider higher education.

She's SO earnest ...gives everything away, immediately....always ...of herself...her feelings....unguarded....never been exposed to boundaries.

I don't think she filed anything with the courts.  The drunk seems to have gone quiet.....an ominous relief....so familiar to many here.

The next divorce hearing is in April.... Cousin's sister will go with her to the hearing.

The last hearing, the drunk's sister attended with him and there was chaos and raised voices and demands from them both.

The drunk's sister....my cousin's SIL.....has left messages with cousin, sobbing and begging her to take the drunk back..... it's her duty to care for him, and handle the business paperwork, as ate has for 30 years.  It must be noted, SIL refused to allow her drunk brother to spend even one night in her home, when drunk forced to leave family residence by the court.

I don't pepper any of them with questions, but ask my cousin, sister if stb divorced cousin, for broad updates....no details.

The DD is toughening up ...getting used to the idea of boundaries, and NC with her father, who she calls by his first name. She has a new migraine Rx.....can depend on her mother, and likes the mother's boyfriend....the nextdoor neighbor from the Ukraine.  The bf travels with the mom, cooks, and works full time....treats them all respectfully, and with kindness. 

It's supposed he'd protect cousin and both her grown children....the son lives in the family home with a roommate.  The mom lives next door....her bf has a roommate.  It's a safe situation....we pray this divorce ends soon.

I pray the kids are ok....the son has been NC with his father for a while. He's mostly keeping to himself, and does not have, or want, a T.

That was a lot, I know.

[hhaw]

Update:  I think cousin's stbx has given up, basically, in court.

He's perhaps experiencing some break with reality, though.  He phoned their DD and said cousin didn't want the divorce.....said many things, all detrimental to DD's mental health.  She's had a recent DUI with car wreck. 

I'll be visiting that side of the family next weekend.  They're planning to tell us how the last court hearing went, face to face.

 

[MaxedOut]

I hope the court fight ends, hhaw. There is so much exhausting and toxic stuff the STBX without the cost, stress, and PD possibilities in court cases.

It sounds like your cousin's DD is really struggling. Significant mental crisis does such a number on you when it comes to someone with PD. My ex also has bipolar, so psychosis and other episodes were often mixed in with abusive PD behaviors. That makes it really hard to think clearly about boundaries, what you need, etc. especially if you love/care about the person and are also worried. It makes common PD worries about self-harm and recklessness (and with this guy I imagine alcohol related accidents) bigger and can make for more sticky modulators of the non-PDs' behaviors.

At a certain point their unmooring from reality can really bring home clarity - the radical acceptance piece of just how not solvable and harmful the mix of things is.

How are you feeling about the visit?

[hhaw]

I'm looking forward to the visit, Maxed out!  I love these cousins, we laugh a lot, and my BIL will meet us for 2 days of the fun.

Spending some time, with the struggling young adults, will be good too. 

This divorce will end.  People will pick up their lives, or not, and the adult kids should have emotional support, and therapy, like the rest of us imo.

Replacing toxic coping strategies is so important....scary important.

I wish schools taught emotional regulation.

[hhaw]

Cousin has deal made.....supposed to be signed, filed and stamped Monday.

If stbx fails to sign the correct agreement, if he changes it, asks for changes....ANY changes.... she'll see his attorney in court, has stbxpd stopped showing up to court hearings.  It's likely he won't show for court, AND the judge is angry at him and his counsel.

It's an interesting time....once it's clear the PD's dragging things out..... it's interesting to lean into a court trial, bc it's the shortest way out of a marriage with disordered people.

If only we understood, up front, not to dread, avoid, or fear a trial. 

[hhaw]

Update:

This morning's zoom call took place with the judge, both attorneys , and litigants present.

My cousin is officially divorced.....almost to the day she filed!!!!! No, she didn't get justice, but she's ok with it, just to be free to heal, and move on.

It's noted....the stbx showed up on that call, naked, with the the judge asking...."does that man have clothes on?" over and over, till stbx put a robe on..... can't make this stuff up.

If anyone wonders how to divorce a PD, with economy of motion ......
going absolute black-out NO CONTACT with the PD was a huge factor in this case.

Everyone involved was spared the chaos, distress, and mess, imo.  The PD's ability to expand the case, manipulate, and make my cousin look nuts was nipped right in the bud.

:: chef's kiss::.

Going no contact is, when possible, EVERYTHING.

[hhaw]

Update:
The exh drove drunk to my cousin's home, broke in through a window while their young adult son inside /son, son left the home, called his mom, and she called the police.

When cops arrived an hour later, exh was arrested inside the home.

Breaking and entering is a 5th degree felony.  First time breaking a TRO in their State is considered a 1st degree misdemeanor carrying up to 280 days in jail with $1000 fine. 

I don't know if he'll be accountable for driving drunk....have to doubt it.

My sense is he'll end up in hospital on a psych hold vs detoxing cold turkey for any amount of time. 

His sister would be the one to bail him out, if anyone does. She refused to let him stay in her home for one night. I don't know that she'll rush to bail him out.

I also have the sense my cousin will breathe deeply into any satisfaction for small justices and accountability her ex catches, if any.

I expect to hear the cops found him naked, in a puddle of urine, in his dd's bedroom, with a warm beer in each hand..... 6 empty cans around him.

I re-read that....and it's really harsh. I have compassion for the self inflicted unraveling of his life,and mental health/addiction situation he's embraced fully, as a a stated choice.

I'm not feeling any way about it.... it's a likely prediction, based on recent behaviors. That's all.

[hhaw]

Update:

He's in jail, and charged with a felony violation of a TRO, bc he has a prior conviction for breaking TRO.

No bond on offer.

Arraignment next week.

His son knows he's in jail.  His daughter does not.

Cousin was worried he'd put their house up for bond.  Looks like she won't have to worry about that for now.

[MaxedOut]

Wowza, I am glad there is no risk to your cousin's finances/assets from bond. That is a scary thing to have to down; how are your cousin and her son doing? Does the ex have any known access to firearms (and if so, is there a red flag law locally)?

[hhaw]

Hi, Max:

My cousin's father passed away the night this happened.  He was 90yo....it wasn't related to this news, but it's sad, and weighing heavily on my cousins.

Cousin's son has been completely NC with his father for the last year....keeps to himself, and I don't know if he's bounced over this OR is having a break down.  I'm not sure my cousin knows, frankly. Years of judgement from a hypocritical MAGA bigot father, have driven this young man, with blue hair and trans gf, far far far away emotionally.  He didn't speak at all, in the family, in his late teens.  There's profound trauma. He's not in therapy. It's concerning.

Cousin's daughter seems remarkably chipper to me, so I don't know if she's been told her father's in jail.  Sort of think she hasn't. She's at peace with her Grandfather's passing. If her father calls her, whinging from jail.... she'll likely spiral in obvious ways, imo.  That she's so chipper might be a red flag.

She's going back to University next week, and seems busy with that.

I believe the ex has had all known firearms removed, but it's easy enough to get more. Apparently, the ex told his sister he was "getting his golf clubs" when asked why he broke the restraining order.  This incident might trigger an extended or permanent order, so that's something.

If bond is offered....my cousin already informed the lender of the situation.

I'll try to find out how the arraignment goes, and what that means, as far as the ex getting out of jail.

The second conviction could mean serious jail time....3-5 years and a $10k fine.

I don't see the ex getting calmer, under these circumstances. Esp since my cousin has happily moved on with her life, and new relationship....she looks great.  Everyone is worried her ex will harm or go full graveyard love on her. It's been a concern from the start.

[hhaw]

Update on the..... not sure what to call him.  His 20yo DD calls him an emotionally malignant person, who took pleasure in upsetting his family.

Breaks my heart to think of little children around.....that.

So, he broke a screen out of a window, and cornered his 19yo son with erratic behavior.....babbling his ex had called him, and "wanted him back."

So.....between the knife, sitting by the beer can he emptied, and the psychotic break, the son is terrified of his father, and locking everything compulsively.

The malignant inmate is still in jail, on a half million dollar bond.  Pretrial hearing is set for the first. I'm guessing he'll present as a belligerent, sweating, puking, bigot in full withdrawal.

I'm guessing he'll take a plea, that deals with a mental health program and addiction treatment, OR they throw the book at him.

It gives me zero pleasure to know he's suffering.  It undoes zero damage to the family, and likely stresses his children more.

::picturing his suffering::.

Not gonna lie..... I'm worried for any young men within his reach.  He's a degenerate, without any shame, or self control.

He's a cornered addict with a sex addiction.  I want to look away, but.... he's real, and unlikely to begin making better choices.

He's got graveyard love written all over him.  Weak, entitled, and unwilling to self reflect, even a bit.