I'm new and I'm lost

[NotAhNewt]

Hello! Found this forum after copious searching for safe spaces to clear my head and get advice. I'm totally out of my element with what's going on in my marriage and need any kind of insight. I've never had to deal with persecutory projection before and I'm at my wits end.

My partner and I have been married for 11 years. He has a past of some of the worst childhood abuse and sexual trauma I've ever heard. I won't go into details because it's just too obscene. He was also diagnosed with DID a few years ago. He has undergone advanced therapy for years to treat it and had been managing well because of it. Up until a few months ago it's been a great ride with ups and downs but overall the best thing that has ever happened to me. That is until one misunderstanding. My best friend of 20+ years hugged him and it triggered his threat responses and thus started a multi-month campaign to basically get me to cut them out of my life. He insists that she intended to flirt with him and has long held feelings for him when I know that to not be true. Rather than us talking about how he was triggered he denies it and instead insists that she's after him instead. I even went lengths to embarrass myself and question her about the hug to confirm and she confirmed she didn't mean it in that way. The hug also happened in our group setting in front of her husband of 15 years. No one felt the hug was amiss but him.  I know this sounds like I'm choosing to trust my friend over my husband, but I immediately knew he was likely triggered instead and there would be a more rational explanation for all of this. He didn't want to hear any of that though.

In the weeks that followed he furthered his characterization of her based on her own habits in her marriage. She has been having an emotional affair with her coworker, despite my protests, due to her dissatisfaction with her husband's lack of affection. My partner used that as reasoning to prove why she was after him. And not only that, he also started to believe my other friend was colluding with her to steal him away from me. I know this is definitely not true as both friends love and respect us both and see my marriage as perfect from the outside. Also, my second friend has absolutely no dating experience and wouldn't know how to help her seduce my partner. Either way, he's convinced they are both working against us and lying and manipulating me against him. He doesn't trust anything I say and has accused me of gaslighting from day one when all I was trying to do was help address his trauma response. I knew it was too far gone when we attended a party and the friend barely said any words to him for the entire 5 hours we were there, but he concluded that she was seething in anger because he was ignoring her when in actuality she was just focused on other people at the party. My partner went to talk to my sister about this privately and when my sister noted that she didn't see anything wrong with my friend's conduct that day he accused her of gaslighting as well.

Since then I've endured a significant amount of verbal and emotional abuse as he feels he is entirely justified because he's only arguing his truth. He yelled at me for a full 24 hours and threatened divorce. He said his terms for me were to block my friends entirely or else we divorce. After that ultimatum I chose divorce. He then held my hands in place promising to ruin me financially if that happened.

We've had marriage counseling since then and our marriage counselor understands my story and also could tell my partner was coming from a place of trauma in all of this. This angers my partner so much and thus marriage counseling is doing nothing for us. I've shared my truth in marriage counseling and he shared his twice and the therapist concluded that while it wasn't unreasonable to be wary of the friend from that hug that he overall is having a trauma response from that interaction and it's altering his mindset. He also didn't agree with my partner's desire for me to cut her out of my life. My husband has since yelled at me and fought with me about this after therapy so it was all useless.

I'm so lost, I don't know how to prove that I've never gaslit him or lied to him here, but he views me as a liar. He also views himself as the hero of our marriage who was fighting to save me from my treacherous friends (who have no clue of what's going on). Hoping anyone has any insight into this type of situation because I'm at my wits end on this.

I feel threatened by this as though I need to surrender my autonomy to stay with him. I feel trapped in that the only way there's peace is if I comply with his reality. He says he's not an angry monster of a person and is only reacting this way because he's the victim in this situation and he's just trying to protect himself and me. But protect from what? My friends are not threats!

What I think may have happened in truth is that he developed some kind of feelings toward my friend and the hug was definitely a traumatizing event for him, but rather than deal with the shame and fear it's better to have control over the situation and thus control me. He's trampled all over my boundaries without remorse. I'm walking on eggshells afraid to set him off. Apparently he's said we have one more "betrayal" on my part before we divorce. I just want my partner back!

[bloomie]

NotAhNewt - welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for giving us some context of the difficulties that you are facing in your marriage. I am just so sorry for the suffering and confusion you describe from this turn of events with your partner. I am thankful you have found our community and the resources and support gathered here for you.

Your efforts to understand how all of this could be happening is understandable. You describe having taken steps to work through and talk through this including seeing a neutral 3rd party to bring perspective, which, sadly has fallen to the ground. An important step to have taken, that has given you some very important information about where your partner current is. 

I'm so lost, I don't know how to prove that I've never gaslit him or lied to him here, but he views me as a liar. He also views himself as the hero of our marriage who was fighting to save me from my treacherous friends (who have no clue of what's going on). Hoping anyone has any insight into this type of situation because I'm at my wits end on this.

I say this ever so gently, I have found in my own relationship with a partner who often believes distortions, you cannot prove or change another person's views - no matter how distorted, out of character for you and others, that there is no evidence of or history to. Whatever story your partner is telling himself - about himself, you, your friends can only be rewritten by him. In my own long marriage, my own partner will double down and protect 'his truth' even if it tears the roof off the house.

A foundational mantra that I learned when I first came here to Out of the FOG is the 3 C's rule which says: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it." here is a link to the article that shares more about this very real truth when faced with the inexplicable and painful behaviors of another:
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

Since then I've endured a significant amount of verbal and emotional abuse as he feels he is entirely justified because he's only arguing his truth. He yelled at me for a full 24 hours and threatened divorce. He said his terms for me were to block my friends entirely or else we divorce. After that ultimatum I chose divorce. He then held my hands in place promising to ruin me financially if that happened.

This behavior is of great concern to your own nervous system and health and is never justified. I want to share some resources with you and suggest you reach out to talk to someone who is trained and able to help you assess the risk you could potentially be at. Here are a couple of really good resources:

https://www.thehotline.org

And the Mosaic Method, linked below, is an important tool to walk through your lived experiences and assess the risk you are possible living with.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able and reach out to those around you in your life that will support you as you go forward. Sending you wisdom and strength!

[NotAhNewt]

Thank you so very much for the warm and detailed welcome! I'll make most of these resources as I am at my wits end. Thank you!