Shifting to joy

[hhaw]

It's an odd thing, to transition out of (soft/undercover war mode in court with PDs.)

I'm still trying to SEE it all,  with enough distance, to identify most of the involved moving parts. 

I'm still grappling with the little shocks, and biochemical hijacks of reminders, and dregs of real harm, intentionally inflicted, by PDs, esp when children are harmed, weaponized.....
used by PDs, against the parent who cares about the children.

My children have received the highest levels of mental healthcare.  The PDs were almost completely removed from their lives in 2015, with the exception of crazy letters from my MIL, my daughters dismiss as delusional....without rancor....but with compassion.

It makes me want to weep, recalling things I did right.  Many things.

But the regrets, and misteps...
:::Ughhhh::.
So terribly painful, esp when the girls struggle, and struggling is part of being human....but ach!! Still very painful.

Trying to protect them, from everything, is one regret, before I understood mitigating harm was the best I could do....so energy wasted on neeeeeding to completely protect them, from stuff everyone agrees is harmful, in a court system unable to (easily) identify heinous PD fockery....eh....sometimes courts willfully harm children, bc of upset with a litigant or bad th litigants, or bc they're understandably bitter, jaded, and lashing out at parents who SHOULD settle out of court, and protect the children as priority.

This is on my mind today.....as I passed a mirror and looked at myself, 20 years down the road.....and I questioned myself in the mirror.

Who am I now?  Whatever has become of hhaw.....
then.....
my image switched to hhaw 20 years ago, as I was before the PD lit everyone's lives on fire (fig.)

I'm still here....despite this culture's labels and definitions of women at 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60, etc.

It's weird, bc I was 38yo, in my head, till maybe 6 years ago.

To suddenly gain focus.....on myself.  Whooboy.....requires some measured taking of stock.

Buying into this crap misogynistic culture....feels like being bent over a pig trough, and forced to vomit.

Truly.....it lives inside my Nervous System.....like that. And I'm trying to sit in nonjudgmental awareness....as I recommend to others....to see what's really there.

It's me.....as I was at my strongest, most emotionally protected best.

Beat up from 10 very long, very expensive years of disproving unfounded PD allegations.....still me.

Wiser.  Dialed in to PD trickery. Able to spot a tell......and believe it the first time, without explaining it away.

SO much wiser, mein Gott. 

I'm not much bothered by the costs... except the cost to my parenting, being present normally with my
girls ...and more to the painful point...what it cost them.

THAT.....
Oooohhhhh.....
I feel burble up, to my outer layers....
is unforgivable. 

Sorting out....
who can't be forgiven,
then dialing in radical acceptance, and releasing everything, to my best and highest abilities...
forgiving (which can feel as an energetically physical event.....)
whooboy. 
Again.

Over and over..... processing layers of trauma.....attempting to really SEE my generational trauma, how it appears in my children's lives.....how it's a part of me, when I'm relaxed, and happy.....just slips out, in nicer ways, bc I was raised to make nice.....but slip it does.

It shuts me down.  Makes me mute and afraid of not being on guard....to mitigate the generational harm....bc we don't/can't shed it like a cocoon.  We don't....it doesn't happen that way.

Oh, to be myself....and only myself ...and not let little horrible installed parts peek through.  Shreds of what my siblings and I suffered, to live through, and much worse, realize installed inside our unconscious belief systems....try to catch it, uninstall it.....oh....the shame of my adult child, calling me out....feeling safe enough to have a breakdown while pointing at me(us) as monsters....
Oof. My siblings have their own issues with my nieces and nephew. Worse in many ways, bc of difficult ongoing circumstances with PDs, and relationships I haven't had to deal with.

So painful....but an example goes like this...
Our father laughed at our pain and physical jeopardy.....and was called out by a neighbor once....never by me.

I playfully am very invested in being helpful....say....in a plumbing store with my youngest DD.....and not noticing how upset DD is by my asking the plumbing guys questions, in an effort to help problem solve. 

DD had a breakdown in the store, in the car, and hasn't spoken to me for a week.  The really upsetting thing is..... I get dysregulated when she's upset.....and I can't stop saying upsetting things. Small, but feels violating to her.....as she seethes and is exquisitely hypersensitive in those moments. It's HUGE to her, and l.... I'm blessed besides too, bc I felt joy in her company....trying to be of service in my own way.

So, to revisit my trauma, SEE how it's worked through my soul, and intertwined....catches me off guard....is something I work to catch.

It's a goal, to be sure.

I also notice my girls feel safe enough to call me out, name their distress, set boundaries, and land consequences squarely on my head (as the only truly safe person in their lives.)

That's strange too, bc.....
though not easy to do, to me, it's not a great indicator of their ability to do the same in this society of caretaking men's feelings, auto-regulating men's emotions, and fearing their anger, so as to freeze their ability to be assertive in the company of people who can, have, and likely will harm them again, for expressing negative feelings.

I really don't expect anyone to read really long posts. 

Just putting it down, getting it out of my head....is....
::sigh::.
really helpful.

[hhaw]

I've sat, just sat, for a month..... waiting for knowing to land.

Today, it felt like it has.  I felt like my old self walking through the house...making new plans after a complete pivot, away from, what I allowed to be chosen for me.

Not my dream ...and I've been building the dreams of men who aren't alive anymore.

I don't think I can do it anymore.  I want to stop, and do other things.

Waiting, while being very gentle with myself, was the right thing to do.

I usually get busy busy busy....distracted with lists of "shoulds" and "have to's."

In this last chapter
.. I'm focused on making new mistakes.  Not old ones.

[Deborah]

Hey. Cannot say much. Things went awry here.

But I read your full posts. Fighting PDs in a court system filled to the brim with PD lawyers, PD judges and PD CPS workers. Or people naively doing their bidding. It is horror.

I am proud of you for being there for your children and hanging on...even if it doesn't always feel you can. My best wishes and prayers if welcome.

[skybox]

Reading your posts is always worthwhile,your strength and decency shine through.
Being gentle with yourself, and waiting for yourself to emerge - resonates.
May we all be as strong

[hhaw]

Thanks, guys:

Recently I'm reeaaaalllly noticing the upset in'me body.....when I resist things I can't change.

Notably ...when someone in my life makes promises, they not only don't keep, but don't remember making THEN get snippy, dismissive and mean, when I bring up the issue again....usually while I'm dealing with the situation,while pretending they didn't promise and.....you get the drift.

Now.... I'm waiting on that person to contact another difficult person, about an important issue I'd like to be involved in, but for the fact that, said person is likely PD, lies, is inappropriate, sabotages, and does things meant to get a huge angry response from me .....like tearing down my mailbox over and over, asking to marry my 13yo niece, leaving trash at mailbox, porn IN the mailbox, and crime scene tape across driveway....he used to pull limbs to block the drive, but it's been a while.  These acts, and similar, are things he's done to other women since he's been a young teen, AND he's told those stories to me with pride. 

As frustrating as it's been, it's more frustrating to know the men in my family have consistently dismissed his conduct, in favor of placating him for this upcoming conversation about us purchasing his lot. Here's the supposed payoff, right?

So.....I notice pain in my right back ribcage .....and it's nuanced ..and many layered....back stabbing fockery I've always dealt with. Back stabbing fockery in so many directions. Mein Gott.

My T urged me to thin out contact with problematic people. I didn't exactly do that, though contact is minimal.... it's necessary bc we're tied together financially, at least for this one thing.

So..... I've been practicing emotional regulation with more focus.....
bc my therapist didn't think I needed another appointment the last time we spoke....over a month ago.  She might have guessed I used our appointments to sidestep doing some of my actual work....if I'm guessing, around this very thing.

And here I am....making decisions, creating new plans, discarding old, but still in this thing ...feels dependent on the person who promises, doesn't remember or follow through....then gets aggressive and attacking when I want to discuss it.

::sigh::  Therapist would be sad I'm still expecting anything from this person.

I'm sad too, if I'm being honest.

Oh.....I just want to lop off this  financial connection....so we can just be....for a while.  Closer or with more distance, but without ties.....see what's there.

I'm likely to always be a sucker for redemption. Knowing this...what can I do differently?

I want to repeat zero mistakes, going forward.

It's a goal, to be sure.