Everything sister did seems so much worse now that both parents passed away

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I have been no contact with my only sister for nearly eight years. I also was low contact with elderly parents for the same amount of time, but it was just enough to see things my sister was still doing.
 
Even from a distance, I could see signs of her lack of empathy, grandiosity, entitlement and manipulation. I never involved myself. I held my boundaries. I also realized my sister was my parent's most beloved first-born golden child. They could never see her shenanigans. I guess it was a form of radical acceptance that I embraced and just refused to change or fix anything. I let it be just what it was.   
     
My mom was my last parent, and she died a few months ago. Lately, I have started to feel more appalled by everything my sister did when our parents were living. I am also feeling more disgusted by how she behaved when our parents were in their final days, what she neglected and how callous she was with what she took. She did not suddenly change into a different person, and if anything, she became worse.   
   
Has anyone experienced similar? Why do the family dynamics feel worse now even though I am not actively engaged with anyone or anything related to my family at all? 
   
Appreciate any thoughts.

[bloomie]

Has anyone experienced similar? Why do the family dynamics feel worse now even though I am not actively engaged with anyone or anything related to my family at all? 
 

Blueberry Pancakes - yes, sadly I have experienced something similar and I am sure many others here have as well. In my own case, the exposure to the sibling during the end of life days and settling the estate time was a kind of forced contact and bearing witness to her actions that I hadn't had in years. And it was appalling. I quickly developed a 60 minute window in which I could tolerate the histrionics and unkindness and resentment toward a parent that idolized her and I avoided being around her as much as possible. 

I honestly do not know how she has a faithful, kindhearted spouse of decades and a loving adult child -  both of whom seem to see her behaviors and yet just shake their head as if it is just the way she is. 

Time and distance from it only served to offer a broader perspective to how disordered the entire system really was. I found I couldn't process certain things and come to certain conclusions until after I was safely out of the stress and demands of it all and my parents were gone.   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Bloomie. You said something that hits home to me about not being able to process things until being safely out of the stress and demands of the system.
         
I guess that is it, actually. What I experienced with Low Contact with parents is that you still bear witness to the dynamics even if you are not directly engaged. You still make efforts to maintain boundaries. When you no longer need to focus on those specific things, you can see the system more broadly for what it was.   
   
Being unable to tolerate the histrionics and unkindness toward a parent that idolized her is probably the lasting feeling that I will have toward my only sibling.     

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry Blueberry Pancakes.
I wonder whether, when both or one of your parents were still alive, you did not allow yourself to fully process these thoughts as a protective mechanism, especially since you maintained low contact with them. Now that you don't need to worry about regulating your thoughts and emotions for their sake anymore, it's all coming out more forcefully. Your parents are not there anymore, so there is no sense of parental authority or an idea that you need to 'behave'. It's just you and your sister, and you have to navigate this new dynamic without factoring in your parents. I can imagine how upsetting it must be; perhaps anger and sadness are the prevailing emotions? I think you are moving further into the grieving process and that this stage will eventually pass. But you have to process this fully, mentally and emotionally, before you can let go for good.

I am preparing myself for that moment when it comes. Sending you strength and hugs

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Walking. I agree with you that I probably did not fully process what was occurring while it was all playing out in real time. It probably was a protective mechanism. Since I am no longer acting protectively, the reality of what it all was is taking its true form.   
             
The Song from the 90's, "Here's Where the Story Ends" by The Sunday's immediately came to my mind in the days after my mom passed. It felt so appropriate. Now the book is closed, and it is exactly what it was.   
 
I hope you are accurate in that I am moving more through the grieving process. I am amazed at how it keeps changing but assume it will eventually reach more stable ground. Thanks.